All posts by Matthew Callan

Football, Skitch Hanson

Skitch Hanson: Vick of it All

Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know Skitch as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may have read his best-selling book Mr. November: How Derek Jeter’s Home Run in the 2001 World Series Healed a City I Don’t Particularly Care For. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Opinions! You can follow Skitch on Twitter here. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

vick.jpgLike many football fans, I couldn’t help but be amazed by Michael Vick this season. I thrilled as he wrested the starting quarterback job from Kevin Kolb. Marveled as he regained the form that once made him the game’s most dynamic player. Was floored when he engineered an improbable comeback against the Giants. I had hope that Vick could put his sordid past behind him.

Unfortunately, his collapse in the playoff game against the Packers shows that he still has a long way to go in order to redeem himself for what he’s done.

In the regular season, Vick was an explosive power, a one-man dynamo, one for which few teams were prepared. His arm seemed to finally catch up with his legs, and his mobility threw opposing defenses for a loop all year long. He singlehandedly guided Philadelphia past the Giants into first place in the NFC East and a home playoff game.

But then he squandered that opportunity with a less-than-stellar performance against Green Bay. The numbers speak for themselves–three sacks, only eight rushing attempts, and a defeat-sealing interception in the game’s final moments. Such a lackluster outing dashes all hopes that he was fully rehabilitated for his heinous crimes.

When training camp opens next summer, Vick will find himself back at square one. He will still have to prove that he is the kind of field general who’s capable of carrying his team deep into the playoffs, and is therefore a changed man. Otherwise, he’ll just be the prototypical flashy QB who is all style and no substance, which would also mean he still needs to atone for his misdeeds.

If Vick wants a role model, he need look no further than another player with a checkered past who played on Sunday: Ray Lewis. Eleven years ago, Lewis was involved in a fight that resulted in a man being stabbed to death, and the linebacker found himself indicted for murder. Some thought Lewis would never be able to make up for his role in such a deadly encounter, but he showed them wrong by remaining a defensive force to be reckoned for the next decade.

On Sunday, Lewis captained the Baltimore defense and stifled Matt Cassell all day, resulting in a dominant 30-7 Ravens win. One can only hope that Vick someday learns how to show such remorse.

Politics Schmolitics

Sarah Palin Defends “Murder Congress” Campaign

palin2.jpgWASHINGTON–Under fire after the shooting of Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords, Sarah Palin defended the fundraising efforts of her SarahPAC organization during the recent midterm elections. Her group received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Murder Congress.”

“We reject the notion that we’re to blame in any way for the tragedy this past weekend,” said Palin aide Rebecca Mansour. “We merely meant the sweeping changes we have planned for Washington would be the metaphorical equivalent of mass murder, in that it would ‘slay’ many of the liberal member of Congress. I don’t understand how you can take a perfectly innocent motivational phrase like ‘murder Congress’ and twist it into somehow advocating violence.”

Mansour also denied the campaign’s artwork was inflammatory “The symbols we drew over certain congresspersons’ heads are being interpreted by some PC types as bullseyes, simply because they are circles with crosshairs, partially colored in with red blobs that vaguely resemble blood. This was simply our homage to the title sequences of the classic James Bond movies. How on earth you could mistake that for anything else is beyond me.”

Palin’s campaign efforts are now drawing scrutiny because Giffords was specifically targeted by SarahPAC. The former Alaska governor appeared at an event for the congresswoman’s opponent, Jesse Kelly, that was advertised in local newspapers as “The Someone Should Probably Shoot Gabrielle Giffords, Just Sayin’ Festival and Tractor Pull”.

“The word ‘shoot’ has many connotations,” Mansour said. “We meant someone should shoot her with a camera, and those photos would show her for the Obama-loving neo-Socialist she is.”

The campaign event featured a firing range where guests could take target practice on life-size effigies of Giffords, with weapons ranging from Glock handguns to grenade launchers. But Mansour insisted, “It takes quite a leap of logic to insist this was anything other than a fun carnival game. Naturally, the liberal media is blowing this all out of proportion. I’m sure it won’t be long before they read something sinister into the fact that the winners of the target practice contest won free Colt .45s and maps to Giffords’ house.”

“Frankly, I’m shocked at how many liberals are seeking to politicize this tragedy. As far as we know, this terrible act was committed by a lone nut, and as we all know, lone nuts are in no way affected by the general political atmosphere. I don’t see how an unstable person could be influenced by anything Sarah may have tweeted or put on her web site.”

Mansour would not comment on any particular tweet or other web content produced by Palin because “all this completely non-incendiary, innocent comment has been removed in the last 24 hours.”

A FOX News spokesman says it will continue to feature Palin on its programs, despite the controversy, but is looking into suing Giffords for defamation of character.

Football, Skitch Hanson

Jets/Colts Preview by Sean from Massapequa

Frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa offers his thoughts on this weekend’s playoff game between the Colts and Jets.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI am so pumped for this game, you would not believe it. Trust me, even if you think you know the insanity that is Sean, you are not prepared for the brand of crazy I am about to dispense in thick, rich, heaping scoops. I’m wearin my Chrebet jersey for the 53rd day in a row. I bought an airhorn with a loudener attachment to fire off every time the Jets play an offensive down. And I painted the neighbor’s dog green.

Get this: my yuppie killjoy nextdoor busted my balls about it! He was all like, “Hey, my dog can’t breathe with his pores clogged up with Sherwin Williams!” Listen buddy, your dog once barked at me while I was standin on my own property. That means I can do whatever I want to him. Look it up, it’s the law. I saw it on an episode of CSI: NY. You know, the one where they busted that thrill-killing improv group.

By the way, I got a friend who’s on the lighting crew for that show. Says Sinise is a good egg, but Sela Ward’s a total bitch. Keeps givin him the stink-eye just cuz she walked in on him trying to take a swivel chair outta her trailer. The thing was barely bolted down!

But I digress. The Jets are gonna DESTROY the Colts on Saturday. No ifs, ands, or buts, unless those prepositions are immediately followed by the words, “DESTROY EM SOME MORE!”

I wish I could be there in person, but my buddy Frank, the Jet Blue baggage handler, couldn’t come through with a “Samsonite Discount.” That’s where you hitch a free ride in someone else’s luggage. Airport security’s tighter than ever, plus he kept gettin written up for throwin out other people’s clothes. Friggin Obama, am I right?

This is what’s gonna happen. The Jets are gonna score 37 points in the first half, on three touchdowns, four field goals, five safeties, and a little known scorin play called the Hambone. That’s where the refs award you extra points just for bein awesome. The Colts, intimidated by The Sanchize and the fearless leadership of Rex Ryan, don’t even bother comin out for the second half, and the Jets win by default. And also they burn down Lucas Oil Stadium, because why not? That’s what I would do.

Remember last year in the AFC Championship game, when the Colts zipped ahead of the Jets in the fourth quarter? Ryan let em do that, just to set up this game. The man is a genius. I don’t care if he’s got some weird hang-up about feet. He’s eccentric, like all geniuses. My friend Paulie’s like that. He’s in craft services. The guy only eats orange food. Swear to god. So it’s basically just tangerines and Cheetos for him. But nobody else coulda snuck me into the gifting suites at the People’s Choice Awards. I got a coat made outta emu.

The Jets are winnin this game. They have to. Because if they don’t, I got nothing. What the hell else am I gonna root for now? The Islanders are a hot mess, and the Nassau Colosseum is a dump–you couldn’t pay me to sneak into that place! The NBA? I wouldn’t watch it if you paid me. All them guys with the tattoos and the guns and the violence, what kind of example is that for kids? Plus I heard they let Eastern Europeans play now, and I don’t approve of that.

I’ll be goin down to Port St. Lucie in March to scream at Jose Reyes for a coupla days, but that’s way down the road still. So Sanchize needs to come through, or it’s gonna be a long two months for me. But even more so for him, cuz I’m gonna wait in the bushes outside his house with a bottle of chloroform and a tire iron. And I may not use them in that order.

J-E-T-S! JETS JETS JETS!