Recently in Sean from Massapequa Category

Today, Sean from Massapequa graces us with his presence to discuss Jose Reyes' sudden medical woes. He told me he preferred to address the audience directly, unlike previous posts where we had a dialogue. So without further delay, here's Sean.

They say Jose Reyes has got a thyroid problem. Yeah, and I'm the mayor of Five Towns.

I'm not, just so you know. There is no mayor of Five Towns, cuz it ain't an actual town. Just like Reyes ain't actually hurt. We all know this guy fakes injuries, like he did last year so's he could take more salsa lessons.

How do I know that? Ask yourself this: Has he ever denied it? I rest my case.

There ain't no such thing as a thyroid. You ever seen one? I didn't think so. A thyroid is one a them things doctors make up so's they can prescribe you expensive medication. Like ADD, or your appendix. It's all just a scam. They say you got some disease, charge your insurance for the pills or cream or whatever, and you get some workman's comp cuz you got sick on the job somehow. That's what they call The Circle of Scam.

You get to be my age, you see the shit I seen, you realize everything's a scam. Congress. Santa Claus. The Pope. Cold fusion. The Post Office. All scams. Makes me sick just thinkin about it.

Listen: you go to the right doctor, you can get him to say you got anything. Anything. And if you go to the really right doctor, you can get him to write you a scrip for anything. Speakin a which, if you need that type a doctor, lemme know. I might know a guy. Just sayin.

Take my buddy Joe, f'rinstance. Works for the Parks Department supervising landscaping work. Easiest job in the world. Guy works like 15 hours a week, and half that time is replacing the string in the weedwhackers. Of course, Joe had to get greedy and try and get disability. So he goes to this one doctor I know in Fresh Meadows, doctor "diagnoses" him with "lawnmower lung".

The City said there was no such thing, but Joe threatened to squeal about the no-bid Soilmaster contract, so they gave him what he wanted. Now the guy collects a paycheck while sittin in a hammock all year. Even in the winter, two feet a snow on the ground. Guy loves his hammock.

I bet that's where Reyes is right now, swingin in his hammock, sippin a lemonade. I bust my hump on the job three days a week, and all I wanna do is watch some spring training baseball in the middle of my five day weekend. Now that's all ruined cuz Reyes don't wanna do spring training drills. Life ain't fair.

Look, Reyes, just get your ass on the field and all is forgiven. I need you back on the diamond so's I can scream horrible things atcha every time you don't hit a triple.

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss the Jason Bay signing.

The Mets finally made a big move this off season by landing Jason Bay. That fills at least one hole, doesn't it?

Yeah, and fills it with another hole. That guy stinks.

The guy stinks? He hits 30 homers and 100 RBIs every year. He's performed everywhere he's been, even in a Pirates lineup with little protection.

Typical Omar move, gettin some guy who used to play for the loser Pirates. Nobody who ever played for the Pirates has ever been good, ever.

What about Willie Stargell, Roberto Clemente, Honus Wagner...

Honus Wagner? What is that, an electric spray painter?

No, he was one of the greatest baseball players ever.

I never heard a him, so he's a bum, just like Bay!

Even if you totally want to dismiss Bay's years in Pittsburgh--and I don't know why you'd want to do that--he played just as well in Boston. And he couldn't have had a stickier situation to deal with, taking over for Manny Ramirez.

Then why don't the Sox want him back? I'll tell ya why: because he stinks! And because he's injured. I read this thing that his shoulder is about three seconds from bursting into flames.

He passed his physical.

Big deal. You can fake a physical any way you want. My buddy Joey's got half a lung, a metal plate in his head, and seven toes on each foot, but he passes the fire department physical every year. See, if you think healthy, you can convince yourself and everyone else that you really are healthy, even if you're on death's door, which Jason Bay clearly is.

C'mon, the man is not on death's door.

But he's Canadian, ain't he?

Yes, he's from British Columbia.

See, right there, that's another reason not to like him. There's something weird about Canadians. I can't put my finger on it, but they just ain't...right, you know?

So you don't like the Jason Bay signing even a little bit because he's Canadian?

The only good Canadian I know is Randy Bachman of The Guess Who and later Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

Good to see that you've expanded your roster of prejudices.

And speaking of Canadians, why'd the Mets hand Bay a Rangers jersey at the press conference? That's a slap in the face to the Islanders! They practically play down the road! I got a buddy who works at the Nassau Coliseum, and we coulda gotten him a DiPietro jersey for nothin!

So you woulda given Bay a discount on an Islanders jersey?

Yeah, the old five-finger discount. Listen, if you know anybody who wants some game-used equipment, we can hook you up. Jerseys, pants, pads, goal nets...you want a zamboni?

No, I don't want a zamboni.

Cuz I can get you a zamboni. Kinda fun to drive, but it's a bitch to insure.

Always a pleasure, Sean.

You bet.

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss the Hot Stove League and the Phillies' blockbuster trade.

First off, I haven't spoken with you since the Mets suffered all those injuries last summer. How have you been?

For a while, I was in quite a state. Luckily, I had friends and family who helped me get the help I so desperately needed. I've spent the last few months at a retreat in the Berkshires, where simple living, meditation, and yoga have helped me manage my anger issues.

Really? Good for you!

I even stayed away from any news of baseball, to keep unnecessary stressors out of my life. I now realize that existence is suffering, and suffering is brought on by desire. In my case, it was a desire for a championship for my favorite team. I have now eliminated that desire from inner being.

You seem so centered now. I'm truly impressed. But maybe we shouldn't talk about the Mets.

No, no, this is all part of my healing process. I can not live in a cocoon, nor do I wish to. I can enjoy the pastoral pleasures of America's pastime without making one team's fortunes the sum total of my existence.

In that case, the big news is the blockbuster trade the Phillies are in the process of completing, getting Roy Halladay from the Blue Jays. That's obviously bad news for the Mets.

I would agree, if the Phillies hadn't also traded away Cliff Lee in the same deal. From what I have read, Mr. Halladay projects to be only 0.5 wins above replacement higher than Mr. Lee next season. One could argue that they have not improved by a measurable amount. Not to mention that Mr. Halladay is 33 years old and has subjected his formidable right arm to quite a bit of work over the year. Also, whatever extension he signs with Philadelphia may impact that club's ability to sign some of its other players when they reach free agency.

I guess you could argue all of these things, but even if the Phillies made a lateral move here, the Mets still need to make a few moves of their own to catch up. Do you think there's any chance they can do that, given the current free agent class?

I suppose that's still possible, either through the signing of a Matt Holliday or a similar slugger. However, I think the Mets would be best served by employing platoons at positions such as left field and first base, perhaps look for low-risk/high-reward options on the pitching market. A Ben Sheets, for instance. In the current market, it makes no sense to overpay for mediocrity. Especially considering the the 2010 free agent class looks to be far superior.

That might mean not seriously contending next season. How do you sell that to anxious fans like yourself...I mean, like you used to be?

Perhaps the Mets' front office should remind the fans that a team's fortunes proceed like the seasons themselves. The bounty of fall is always followed by the fallow winter. One cannot preoccupy one's self with but one tiny spoke on the wheel of Time.

I guess when you put it that way, it makes me feel better about the Mets in general. You're right, things ebb and flow. One day you're up, the next day you're down. It's so stupid to get upset about stuff like Bengie Molina wanting a three year deal from the Mets.

ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME?! BENGIE MOLINA?! DAT FAT FUCK WHO CAN'T TAKE A WALK TO SAVE HIS FAT LIFE?! OMAR, LISTEN UP GOOD! IF YOU OFFER MORE THAN ONE MONTH TO THAT TUBBA FAILURE I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE A CHRISTMAS GOOSE! AND I NEVER CARVED NO CHRISTMAS GOOSE BEFORE, SO IT'S GONNA BE SLOW AND MESSY!!

Whoah, you just spent the last five minutes talking like the Dalai Lama by way of Bill James, and Bengie Molina's name sets you off?

I DON'T WANT HIM NOWHERES NEARS MY TEAM! THE ONLY REASON DIS LAND MONSTER SHOULD GO TO QUEENS IS IF HE'S AT LAGUARDIA GETTIN SHIPPED BACK TO SEA WORLD!!

Congratulations on your short-lived serenity.

YOU BETTER RENDER MY REPONSES IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW ANGRY I AM!

Today I welcome back Sean from Massapequa to talk about the recent rash of injuries and illnesses that have befallen the Mets.

First off, I haven't heard from you in a really long time. Not since your first game at CitiField. You haven't been tweeting, either.

Yeah, I had to keep kind of a low profile online for a while. Somebody said I was harrassin em with email and slanderous Wikipedia rewrites...I probably shouldn't talk about it too much.

Is it worse than what you did to get kicked out of Port St. Lucie?

That depends on your definition of worse.

Is it worse in the eyes of the law?

Oh yeah, definitely worse. All's I gotta say is, Ricky Rachtman has no sense of humor.

Let's move on to the Mets, who almost seem like they're cursed right now. First Delgado needs hip surgery, then the entire team gets the flu. Now JJ Putz might need surgery and Reyes has a torn hamstring. How are you dealing with all of this?

I never expected nothin from Putz anyway. How can you count on good things from a guy with a name like that?

You mean...

I don't trust nobody named JJ. He totally hijacked Good Times. I blame him for John Amos getting written off the show.

Oh, I thought you were gonna make some joke about his last name.

What about it? I guess it sounds kinda funny, but that's just cuz it's German. I mean, it ain't like his last name is Dick or Cock or something.

Let's just move on. What about Reyes? How long do you think he's gonna be out?

He ain't hurt, he's just fakin it so he don't have to play. He's sulkin cuz they won't let him dance on the bases no more. I heard he wanted to bring a choreographer into the dugout.

Where'd you hear that?

Francesa did four shows on it last week.

I'm pretty sure Reyes is really hurt. They did an MRI that showed he had a slightly torn hamstring.

You can fake an MRI result. I got a buddy that got injured on the job, but his boss wouldn't believe him until he got it checked out. So he used this special magnet watchmacallit to mess with the machine. Not only did he get workman's comp out of it, but they had to give him maternity leave, too.

How could that be possible?

Hey, I'm just tellin you what he told me. The guy had to go to Lamaze classes and stuff, but it was worth it.

It's gonna be hard for the Mets to keep pace with the Phillies until Reyes and/or Delgado get back, if they ever do get back.

*pfft* The Phillies. Please. The Phillies stink.

They've won 7 games in a row.

That don't mean nothin.

It kind of does. And they won the World Series last year.

No, they stink, and I'll tell you why. Because Philadelphia stinks, and it will always be a second class city. New York is better in every single way. We got art, music, culture, diversity, life! This is the greatest city in the world!

So you go into the city a lot to take advantage of all those things?

You kiddin me? I ain't drivin into the city! You get a $150 ticket just for lookin at a stop sign the wrong way.

You could always take the train.

Or I could French kiss a toilet. It'd be a lot faster way of gettin some horrible disease.

As always, thanks for joining us, Sean

The pleasure was all yours.

Sean from Massapequa just texted me, and wanted me to inform all Scratchbomb readers that he will be tweeting throughout the evening as the Mets open up their new ballpark for the regular season. Last I heard, he still didn't have a ticket, so I don't know what to expect from his tweets. But if you want to see what transpires, follow him.

Speaking of which, I've already called the Opening Night Phenomenon an abomination in the eyes of god, and I think it's doubly so that the Mets will inaugurate their new stadium with a night game. If anything opener should be a day game, it should be your first real game in your first real stadium.

Technically, the Mets didn't have a much of a choice due to MLB rules that state a team can't play a day game after flying from the West to East Coast. But that begs the question, why are the Mets playing the Padres in this historic game? Why not against a division rival? Or a former division rival, like the Cubs or Pirates?

The Mets are powerful enough in MLB, I would think, to make demands of The Almight Scheduler, if they chose to do so. They didn't, so despite the league's weird bureaucratic rules, I gotta lay the blame squarely on the Mets.

At least they didn't push up the start time for a Flo Rida concert.

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss his trip to Port St. Lucie and his overall impressions of the Mets' chances this year.

First off, I'm disappointed that you didn't come to do an audio interview with me on Holy Goddamn!

Hey, I just got a brand new pre-owned Ford Escort, and I ain't takin that thing into the city. I'd ruin the shocks on all the potholes.

There's not a lot of potholes in my neighborhood.

Okay, well, between you and me, I got a coupla outstandin parkin tickets in Queens.

How many is a couple?

Thirty-seven, give or take.

So pay them and you don't have to worry about it.

What, I don't give the city enough money already?! When I'm doin a job in the city, I spend at least $5 on lunch every day. I pump capital into the local economy! I do my part!

Fine, forget it. Let's move on to the matter at hand. How was Port St. Lucie?

That's kind of a thorny subject. See, I was asked to leave Port St. Lucie--and I want this clear, I was not kicked out, I was asked to leave. But the city promised not to press charges for unnamed offenses if I didn't talk about my time in the town. All's I gotta say is, they got a strict dress code down there. If you go, make sure you bring pants.

Just a friendly reminder that Sean from Massapequa is down in Port St. Lucie, tweeting away about his favorite team (who he can't stop threatening with bodily harm, for some reason).

Meanwhile, Skitch Hanson sent me another telegram. He's having some automotive issues that have prevented him from getting to Florida, but he promised he will start tweeting again as soon as he's there.

One development has emerged in Scratchbomb-Land: Sean from Massapequa will be traveling to Port St. Lucie and providing some updates from the Mets' spring training camp via his Twitter page.

Apparently, Sean just won a lawsuit against the city; he wouldn't tell me what city and for what purpose. But in any case, he's got some money and has decided to spend it following the Mets around Florida. He says he should get down there some time this weekend, so check in with him for exciting Grapefruit League action!

And hey, follw me while you're at it.

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss A-Rod and several other Mets-related messes.

So what's your take on the A-Rod steroid situation?

I am so sick of this shit.

Sick of what, steroids?

No, of this winter shit. I swear to god, if I gotta shovel the driveway one more time, he's gettin a snow blower straight up the poop chute!

Who is?

God is, I just toldja! He's responsible for the snow, ain't he? He's responsible for this hideous winter, ain't he? And he's responsible for the fact that pitchers and catchers don't start til Friday, and I'm losin my fuckin mind!

I thought we were gonna talk about A-Rod and steroids,

Listen, at this point, you gotta figure everybody was doin em. I'm sure there was guys on the Mets I cheered for who were doin em too.You think anybody in this world is pure, you're livin in a dream world. Everybody cheats in every business--it's a fact of life! So let's just move forward. What do I care if this guy was doin steroids 6 years ago?

So you don't think the media should be hounding him for this?

*pfft* The media. Listen, if the media was so concerned about steroids, why didn't they investigate this stuff when it was happenin? They was in the locker rooms all the time, and they didn't say nothin, cause they was just happy to be ridin on the gravy train with guys like McGwire and Sosa and Bonds. Now all these things come out from real reporters and these idiots on ESPN act like they're all shocked. Buncha bums.

I'm amazed to hear myself say this, but I think I agree with you.

Bottom line: all of this stuff is in the past. A-Rod did it, they all did it, let's just play some ball already, alright?

So I guess you won't boo him when he plays at CitiField later this year.

You kiddin? Man, I am gonna firebomb that guy.

I assume you mean with words.

No, I'm gonna get some M-80s and fire em off at the field! I gotta cousin in Pennsylvania, he can hook me up with anything you want for the Fourth of July. You want his number? I get a finder's fee if you buy somethin.

No thanks, I'm not in the market for fireworks. But you mentioned CitiField, and lately the Mets have gotten a lot of heat because Citigroup received a federal bailout. A lot of people think it's not right for a company that got TARP money to spend funds on something so frivolous. Do you think the Mets should end their relationship with Citigroup?

Hey, dem's the breaks, Citigroup. You signed a contract, you gotta pay up. It ain't the Mets' fault you morons don't know how to run a business. Listen, I'm in a union. I know all about contracts. You honor em, or somebody cuts your brakes, simple as that.

Sure, there's a contract, but you have to admit it looks bad for the Mets to take their money. Wouldn't it be in the team's best interests, PR-wise, to dissolve the arrangement so that it's not an issue going forward?

How much are the Mets gettin from them, $40 million a year? I'd be willin to look pretty bad for that kinda dough. Every newspaper in the country could scream at me, long as I got to keep the loot. There is a very short list of things I wouldn't do for $40 million. In fact, I got it here in my pocket. Lemme read it to you: "Nothing." See, there you go.

Finally, it looks like the Mets' lineup is pretty much set now. They might add a lefty reliever, but in all likelihood they won't make any additions to the lineup. God help me for asking this, but are you happy with the current setup of this team?

I am never happy with this team. Ever.

You're so negative. If this team makes you so unhappy, why don't you just switch to a different team, or stop watching baseball?

Because I will never find a team to piss me off and baffle me so consistently as this one. Plus, if they ever have a great year and it all pays off, I can't wait to bust on all the fair-weather bandwagon fans who'll pop up outta the woodwork.

That's some dream, Sean.

What is a man without his dreams?

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss the Mets' latest free agent recruits.

Now that Derek Lowe has gone to the Braves, it seems the Mets have their sights on reacquiring Oliver Perez.

Yes, and I have my sight set on constructing an incendiary advice to hurl at CitiField. This team drives me nuts, chasin after bums like Oliver Perez. Sick to my stomach just thinkin about it.

Who do you think they should sign instead, Ben Sheets?

Sign somebody, sign anybody! I'm sick to death of no news! Checkin the papers, listening to Francesa, day after day, nothin! It's January and I got snow pilin up in my driveway and my Chevy won't start and I got my wife bustin my hump about fixin up the dining room. I need some baseball news, goddammit, or I swear to god I'm goin postal! Again.

I don't think the Mets should sign a pitcher indiscriminately just because you're having a tough time.

Buddy, a tough time is like "Wah, I stubbed my toe, I'm havin a bad hair day!" What I'm goin through right now is Normandy. My boss is workin my last nerve, the boiler's actin up again, and Jesus Christ, you shoulda seen the piece a work my oldest brought home the other day. This guy looked like a reject from Tool Academy. Wore sunglasses indoors, at night, in January. Enough gel in his hair to kill a horse. God, I wanted to smack this mook so hard. Smack him right in the brain...

So you don't care who the Mets as long as they sign somebody, but you don't want them to sign Oliver Perez.

At this point, I'd love it if they signed Ollie, because then at least I'd have somethin else to piss me off and break up the monotony. I ain't had nothin to get real mad at since a coupla weeks ago, when I threw a brick at some Eagles fan in the Giants Stadium parking lot.

A brick of what?

A brick of brick, what else? How else do you expect me the break the guy's jaw?

Wow. How are you not in jail?

The guy was wearin a McNabb jersey just minutes after they eliminated Big Blue from the playoffs. The balls on that prick! Even if I'da gotten caught, no jury in the country woulda convicted me.

I'm kind of afraid to ask this, but what do you think of Manny Ramirez? There seem to be a lot of fans who want him on the team, but the front office hasn't given any indication that they're going to pursue him. Where do you stand on the issue?

Wilpons, Omar, get this man on this team! He means the difference between a World Series title and me hunting you down for sport!

I'm surprised. I didn't think you'd be pro-Manny.

Why not? The man is an RBI machine. A machine!

Sure, of course, I just...he doesn't seem like your kind of player.

What do you mean, the clubhouse stuff? Everyone says he's no good in the clubhouse, but that didn't mean too much when he was winnin in Cleveland and Boston and LA.

No, I meant...well, every time I talk to you, you yell at the Mets for pursuing certain types of players.

Yeah, bums. They're always goin after bums and stiffs cuz they're cheap, when they should be goin after the big fish like Manny.

Okay, it's just that every other time I've talked to you, you've accused the Mets of only signing Hispanic players.

What?! I never said that!

Maybe you've never said those exact words, but you've implied it heavily.

I'm really hurt! You make me sound like some kinda racist or somethin!

Maybe I misinterpreted what you said. If so, I apologize. That was unfair of me.

Now, if Omar turns around and signs Pedro again, you'll know it's just cuz he's lookin out for his fellow you-know-whats.

Very nice. Thanks for completely confirming my earlier suspicions about you.

Don't mention it.

I kinda browbeat Sean from Massapequa into creating a Twitter account, and now he's mad at me for not mentioning it in my last post. In fact, he threatened my dog. I told him I don't have a dog, and all he said was, "I know." I have no idea what that means, but I'm terrified.

So anyway, Sean from Massapequa has a Twitter account. So does frequent Scratchbomb contributor Skitch Hanson. So go and follow them, won't you?

Wait, first follow me, okay? 'Cause right now I only have 3 followers--two of which are mentioned above. Man, it's just like high school all over again.

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss the Mets' pursuit of Derek Lowe.

It looks like the Mets' next free agent target is Derek Lowe. Do you think he'll round out the rotation?

Yeah, if by "round it out" you mean "ruin it." That guy's a bum! I don't want him nowhere near my team!

He's not an ace, but you can't call him a bum. He's won a World Series, he's got a good track record in the post season, he's a solid starter, groundball pitcher, throws 200 innings every year...

Yeah, 200 innings of solid suck! Once again, we see the Freddy Coupons cheapin' out on this team and not goin' for the big guns.

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss the acquisition of Francisco Rodriguez.
 
So the Mets got K-Rod. That should help solidify the bullpen, shouldn't it?

I don't want this guy nowhere near my team! This guy's a bum! Get ridda him!

He's been on the team for like six hours.

That's six hours too long! That bum should hit the road!

How is K-Rod a bum? He broke the season saves record last year.

Big deal. Saves is a fake stat, like on-base percentage. They don't mean nothin. He's a bum and the Mets are bums for signin him. That's just like the Mets, always thinkin small. Meanwhile, the Yankees go out and get CC Sabathia and steal the back pages again. How could Omar Minaya let Sabathia slip through his fingers?! I want that bum fired!