Recently in Baseball Category

Glenn Beck, Tony LaRussa, and the Apolitical Event

By scratchbomb on August 27, 2010 2:31 PM | No Comments
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgTony, I would like you come to my "Restoring Honor" rally in Washington. Albert Pujols will be a guest of honor and it would be great if you could introduce him.
larussa2.jpgGee, I don't know, Glenn. As a public figure, I have to be careful what I associate myself with. I usually shy away from politics.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgDon't worry, Tony this is a completely apolitical event.
larussa2.jpgReally? Sarah Palin is speaking at it.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgShe's not a politician anymore--she resigned the guberna...gubernavit....she's not governor anymore, remember?
larussa2.jpgAnd it's taking place on the exact same date in the exact same place as Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech, and you said your goal for this event is to "reclaim the civil rights movement".
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgCivil rights aren't a political issue, Tony--they're a human issue. All American citizens should have the right to live and work the way they choose. That's an issue that transcends politics, wouldn't you agree?
larussa2.jpgI suppose so.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgAnd so is the right to hoard gold for the impending cash-less economic system the radical socialists in the quote-unquote Democratic party plan to foist on America by the year 2013.
larussa2.jpgThat sounds kind of political.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgOh, it's definitely not. Because the Democrats insist on absolute separation of church and state, and the liberal fascists in the Obama administration are bent on removing religion from every imaginable public sphere. So if we believe in God, we ipso facto cannot be political, in their eyes! You believe in God, don't you, Tony?
larussa2.jpgI'm not really religious, but I guess I believe in God.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgGood! You'll need to pray to that god when the new world order tries to brand your babies with a UPC-type symbol so the one-world government can track them at all times.
larussa2.jpgWhy do you think that's going to happen?
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpg/pulls out chalkboard with Rube Goldergian swirl of arrows
larussa2.jpgWow, that is convincing. But you swear this isn't political.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgNot in the least. Though we may all grab pitchforks and march on the White House and attempt to overthrow the government by sheer force of will. Not sure; we're gonna play it by ear.
larussa2.jpgSounds like a blast. Will there be vegetarian meal options offered at this event?
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgExcuse me?
larussa2.jpgWill there be vegetarian meal options? Because I'm a vegetarian.
Thumbnail image for glennbeck.jpgYOU'RE ONE OF THEM!
/ Body Snatchers-esque screech

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Rob Dibble Celebrates Diversity

By scratchbomb on August 23, 2010 9:40 AM | No Comments
dibble.jpgI'm sorry if people were offended by my comments during a recent Nationals game. Apparently I said something about some mouthy broads who were sitting behind the plate and people got all snippy about it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so shocked these ladies could talk during the whole game. Doesn't matter where a woman is, the ballpark or the beauty parlor--chances are she's got her big yap open. Am I right, fellas?

Look, I know many women love baseball. And it's not just so's they can see a tight pair of polyester pants giftwrap Dib's beautiful package. Lots of female types honestly love this game. That's how great baseball is--even a buncha dumb skirts can dig it!

I love baseball because it's a game that appeals to everyone. Just look at how many Spanish guys play it! They couldn't be further away from American, but there's something about the game that just speaks to them. In some kinda hybrid English-Mexican-y language, I guess.

And you got Chinese guys like Ichiro who come over here to play it, too. You don't see them guys playing football, do ya? Probably cuz they'd get crushed to death by the linebackers. I could see an Oriental guy play punter or kicker, maybe. But they don't--they play baseball. I think I've made my point.

Speakin' of which, here's this joke I heard from Bob Carpenter. Why did Ichiro bat in the first inning, then bat again in the fourth? Cuz an hour later, he was hungry again! Get it? 

How universal is the sport of baseball? I've even seen an Indian guy at a game once. Swear to god!

The problem with you guys is you're too PC. Lighten up, wouldja? I don't get upset when people make jokes about washed-up unfunny ex-jocks, do I? Because people do. Constantly. Right to my face. Oh sure, I cry when I go home, but that doesn't mean I'm offended. Just deeply wounded.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Roger Clemens: Portrait in Hatred

By scratchbomb on August 20, 2010 12:27 PM | No Comments
nixonrocket.jpgRoger Clemens has been indicted for perjury. On the one hand, I think this is a huge waste of taxpayer money. While lying to Congress is a serious crime, the likelihood of conviction seems iffy at best. The feds have been trying to nail Barry Bonds on a similar charge without success for years, and the evidence against Bonds appears to be much stronger than that against Clemens.

On the other hand, Roger Clemens is one of the worst human beings on the planet. Not enough bad things can happen to him to sate my schadenfreude.

Last week, in a post about Chipper Jones, I wrote about how I can usually separate my personal feelings from objective reality. Emphasis on usually. I could cast a Hall of Fame vote for Chipper Jones. I don't think I could do that for Roger Clemens. And not because of steroids. Simply because I hate him with a white hot passion. I hate him more than some people who have done actual, tangible wrong to me. If I could harness this hatred and turn it into energy, I could power a steel mill for a year.

The worst thing about Clemens (even worse than the fact that he literally tried to kill Mike Piazza by throwing a 95 mph fastball at his head): His craven, psychotic need to be not just loved, but worshiped. That is often the sign of a man who deep down knows he is horrible, and thus demands love from others. All so he can say, "How can I be a bad person--look at how many people love me!"

In another life or another nation, Roger Clemens would have been a crime lord or a dictator. Someone who snatched power by force. Someone who demanded absolute fealty and craved absolute love from everyone. Someone who can never be told that he has done wrong, for it is impossible for him to be wrong.

I can easily imagine Roger Clemens commanding cowering citizens to perform grand, choreographed games in his honor, as North Koreans do at Kim Jong Il's behest. That is exactly the kind of sick, depraved person he is.

Keep in mind that the Congressional hearing from which the perjury charge stems would never have happened in the first place if he hadn't demanded one. It wasn't good enough for him to quietly deny the charges of the Mitchell Report. No, he had to loudly protest his innocence to the nation's lawmakers and force us all to shower him in love once again. This maniac was so obsessed with being adored, he laid his own trap.

Joe Posnanski wrote an amazing column (as usual) about Clemens at SI.com, in which he takes us back to the infamous Game 2 of the 2000 World Series, when the Rocket flung the bat at Mike Piazza. Posnanski's observation: Clemens has no interest in smoothing things over with Piazza, but instead focuses on proclaiming his innocence to the home plate umpire.

That is the essence of Clemens. He had no desire in doing right or being right. His sole focus was on getting over, being absolved. It reminds me of Pablo Escobar, the infamous Colombian drug lord who could have lived fat and happy on his cocaine billions, except that he had an insane craving for respectability. He desperately wanted to be elected to Congress, and didn't care how many bribes he had to hand out or judges and policemen he had to kill in order to do it. As if becoming a Respectable Person would somehow erase the fact that he'd murdered his way to the top.

To this day, I'm still infuriated by the thought that Clemens received absolutely no punishment for this bizarre, dangerous act. (As Posnanski points out, Piazza very easily could have been injured by the shattered bat.) No ejection, no fine, not even a tsk-tsk from Bud Selig. It still blows my mind that someone did this in a World Series game and was allowed to continue to play in that game.

Karma might not really exist, but I like when it makes a select appearance in the lives of folks like Clemens. His life is over, for intents and purposes, and he's not even 50 yet. Even allowing for Americans' microscopic memories, and even if steroid use becomes accepted in the future, I can't imagine his image ever recovering. God, that's beautiful. There are people more deserving of cosmic payback than him, but he'll do until they get theirs.

In honor of another instance of Clemens' spiritual de-pantsing, here's a trip down Scratchbomb memory lane of The Rocket's various falls from grace.

Take Your Medicine, 12.13.2007
Wherein I discuss the Mitchell Report and touch on Clemens being exposed for the fraud that he is.

60 Minutes with Roger Clemens, 01.03.2008
Mike Wallace interviews a not-at-all contrite Roger Clemens, with a guest appearance from Hank Steinbrenner.

Roger That, 02.08.2008
An attempt to understand Roger Clemens through old clips from a baseball special called Grand Slam, which you can not watch because Clemens helped shut down my old YouTube account.

Joe Torre Revisits History, 02.04.2009
While promoting his book on Mike Francesa's show, Joe Torre rethinks his opinion of Roger Clemens, using an amazing piece of equipment called his brain.

Michael More, Roger, and Me, 03.26.2009
Wherein I discuss why I can love Mike Piazza and hate Roger Clemens.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Assassination of Larry Jones by the Coward, His Knee

By scratchbomb on August 13, 2010 9:53 AM | No Comments
99_chipper_reed.pngLarry Wayne Jones, known to most people (and himself, for some reason) as Chipper, has a torn ACL in his knee and is out for the rest of the season. At his age, and given his injury history, there's every reason to think his career may be over. (The mere fact that I'm writing this means he'll be fit as a stallion by spring training next year and hit 72 homers against the Mets.)

Let's assume what everyone else is assuming, that his playing days have ended. I should be relieved, even ecstatic about this news. If all the evil I wished on him over the years could be rendered in corporeal form, it would stretch from here to Jupiter. And yet, upon hearing the news, I feel oddly sad.

When it comes to baseball, I can separate my personal feelings from objective reality. And the objective reality is, Chipper Jones may be the best switch hitter ever not named Mickey Mantle or Eddie Murray. Much like Mantle or Ken Griffey Jr., you can only imagine what his numbers would have been like if he hadn't lost so many seasons to injury. Plus, he played a physically demanding position that is underrepresented in the Hall of Fame. If he never plays another game, he's still a lock for Cooperstown.

Do I hate him? Oh god, yes. I've despised him ever since that immortal (to me) year of 1999, when he clearly delighted in beating the Mets at every opportunity. You could tell he relished the thought of eliminating them from postseason contention, as the Braves nearly did in their last series at Shea that season. When an excruciating extra-inning loss left the Mets two games out of the wild card spot with three games to play, Chipper told the press that Mets fans should "go home and put their Yankee stuff on".

For that statement alone, if I ever see him in the street, I will hit him in the face with a shovel.

That said, Chipper will be missed because he may be the last of the Great Baseball Villains. He loved being a thorn in a certain team's side. This was once very common in the game, when rivalries were real and deeply personal, rather than the trumped-up sports hatred of the ESPN era, where The Worldwide Leader inflates artificial rivalries as much as they can even if they haven't evolved organically. Or obsesses about actual rivalries to the point where everyone becomes sick of them (see: Yankees-Red Sox)

In ye olden days, every team had a villain or two. Someone to boo and project all their hatred on. Dodgers fans hated Juan Marichal. Giants fans hated Don Drysdale. Yankees fans hated George Brett. And everybody hated Barry Bonds. The recent Reds-Cardinals kung fu exposition notwithstanding, we don't see much of this in baseball anymore.

The mere mention of the Braves fills me with anger. But when I watch them now, there's very few people who inspire actual anger within me, because all of the villains of the late 90s/early 00s are gone. No more Greg Maddux. No more Brian Jordan. No more John Rocker. No more Eddie Perez or Ryan Klesko or Andruw Jones. Every single one of those guys hated the Mets, and you could tell.

In their place, the Braves are now a team with a disturbing amount of fresh-faced young'uns. Guys like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward and Matt DIaz, guys who just put their heads down and play and just wanna help the team win, by golly. They don't even have the decency to be hateable. And to top it all off, Bobby Cox is soon to retire. If the Braves didn't cling to their horribly racist Tomahawk Chop, there'd be nothing to hate about them at all.

Chipper held himself as a beacon of Hate, and he did not mellow as the years went on. He named one of his kids Shea, because he hit so well there, as a giant genetic "fuck you" to Mets fans. He bitched about David Wright winning a Gold Glove. In more recent years, he professed enjoying his visits to New York and even had not-terrible things to say about Mets fans, which I think he did for the sole purpose of driving them nuts.

Earlier this year, I went to a Mets-Braves game with my daughter. When Chipper strode to the plate, the crowd erupted in its customary mocking chant of LAAAAAAAAA-REEEEEE!. 

"Why they saying Larry?" my daughter said, knitting her brow in confusion.

"Because he likes to call himself Chipper, but his real name is Larry," I explained.

She scowled. "Why?" She sounded annoyed. She had no idea what hell this man had inflicted on the Mets. She just knew, at age three, that a grown man shouldn't call himself Chipper. So she yelled LARRY! along with everyone else and laughed.

I wouldn't have had that moment without you, Larry, so thanks. And also, go die.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Jerry Manuel's Mean Team Strategy

By scratchbomb on August 12, 2010 9:33 AM | No Comments
jerry.jpgDo you have any details about K-Rod's altercation with his father-in-law? What was the fight about?

Probably just looked at him funny. You don't look at Frankie funny. He'll cut you.

So there was no real cause at all?

No, it was all part of our plan to make the team less nice. All you writers kept telling me we needed to be meaner, so that's what we're doing. I told K-Rod he should get in a fight with some family members, maybe yell at his kids in public or something. But he really stepped it up. Gotta hand it to him. Beating up a man 30 years older than you, that's some big league hustle.

Are you afraid K-Rod might wind up in jail?

Yeah, I'm afraid for the other inmates. He once showed me how you could make a shank using a plastic cup and a piece of dental floss.

He's really that much a thug?

No doubt. Hell, Mariano Rivera didn't want to be in the same locker room as him, or so Bob Klapisch says. Just think about some of the skells Mo was teammates with: steroid cheats, wife beaters, vehicular manslaughter enthusiasts...so you figure someone's gotta be really bad if Mo don't want nothing to do with him.

So the whole team's getting a new, mean makeover?

Oh yeah. This is why I really wanted us to trade for Brett Myers, but Omar told me he's only willing to beat up women.

How is the rest of the team getting meaner?

You saw what David Wright did to his bat last night? That was 'cause he heard the bat was snitchin'. Carlos Beltran's got a switchblade and couple of throwing stars in that knee brace of his. And Jose Reyes has dropped dancing and taken up krav maga, the deadly Israeli art of self-defense. When you join the team now, you gotta get jumped in. And when we take our next trip to Chicago, we're gonna have a team dinner where we eat a baby.

You mean a baby cow, like veal.

Nope, a human baby. We're living outside the bonds of human decency now. We will become the worst humans on the planet, godless fiends, making a mockery of your so-called laws and all you stand for. Your society is nothing but a sham that will crumble the second you meet the hellish likes of us.

Back to the game. Why didn't you bring in Frankie with two outs in the eighth and the bases loaded as you still clung to a one-run lead?

Because I'm a complete fucking moron.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Jeff Francoeur Guide to Media Relations

By scratchbomb on August 11, 2010 9:40 AM | No Comments
francoeur2.jpgThis is bogus, man! Jerry wants me to platoon just because I'm dangerously unqualified to play in the majors! And just when I'm about to hit my 100th home run, too! That's it, I gotta get a trade outta this dump. Anywhere but here. This is so unfair! Carlos, back me up on this.
beltran2.jpgHuh? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. There's hundreds of angry fans screaming at me for being a clubhouse cancer.
francoeur2.jpgWhoah, that's totally unfair! If I were you, I'd grab a reporter and tell him my side of the story.
beltran2.jpgI would do that, but the reporters are right at front of the mob, brandishing pitchforks.
francoeur2.jpgYou're too uptight, dude. You just gotta take it free and easy, like me.
beltran2.jpgBut if I take it free and easy, the reporters say I'm not hustling.
francoeur2.jpg*pfft* Don't listen to those guys, man. If they write stuff like that, just give 'em the cold shoulder.
beltran2.jpgWhenever I ignore the writers, they say I'm aloof and unapproachable. Oh, and sometimes they threaten my family.
francoeur2.jpgI don't know what half those words mean and you're old. How about you, Jose? You're a young go-getter. You gotta understand what I'm saying.
reyes2.jpgI'd like to help you out, Jeff, but I'm too busy trying to explain to the beat writers that me occasionally dancing isn't the worst thing to happen to baseball since the Black Sox.
francoeur2.jpgSo you dance sometimes! Big deal! Why don't you just ask for a trade to a different city, like me? You just gotta take what you want! I watched this motivational thingy once where this one really tall guy said that.
reyes2.jpgBecause the writers would throw bricks in my face if I did that.
francoeur2.jpgYou guys are too timid. Hey, there's Angel Pagan. This guy gets it.
pagab.jpgYeah, I get it straight up the pooper from the sports press, because I'm having a huge year and yet somehow I don't "play the game the right way". Meanwhile, you swing at everything that moves and get away with murder.
francoeur2.jpgHey, don't pin this on me, broham! Don't get mad at me 'cause I make an effort to get to know the scribes.
pagab.jpgI tried to shake Bill Madden's hand once, and he bit me! On the head!
beltran2.jpgWallace Matthews shit in a box and sent it to me, on my birthday.
reyes2.jpgThe only reason I'm still playing baseball is because Mike Lupica kidnapped my children.
francoeur2.jpgThat's so weird. You guys are way better players than me. Why would the press give you such a hard time?
beltran2.jpgTake a guess.
francoeur2.jpgYou were all born on Tuesdays? I always heard reporters hate Tuesdays.
reyes2.jpgTake another guess.
francoeur2.jpgMaybe you don't smile hard enough.
pagab.jpgTake another guess. Why do you think reporters might be more receptive to an aw-shucks boy from Georgia than three guys who come from foreign lands and have funny accents?
francoeur2.jpgI don't have time to play your mind games. I gotta split. Me and Joel Sherman are gonna hit the lunch buffet at Temptations. Hasta manana, amigos!
reyes2.jpgIs it easier being that dumb if you're that white?
beltran2.jpgShhh. If you listen hard, you can hear him swing and miss at something.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

A Barehanded Grasp

By scratchbomb on August 9, 2010 4:18 PM | No Comments
delmonicos.jpgI have touchstones all over New York that immediately bring back incidents in my life. All it takes is an awning or a doorway to bring memories flooding back. That's that theater I used to go to all the time. There's that bar where my friend pissed all over the window late one night. That's the corner where I pushed a huge metal cog into oncoming traffic.

Right now, I'm working near Wall Street, right in the shadow of Ground Zero. I've never worked in this neighborhood before, which is somewhat unusual in my family (between finance, insurance, and the courts, most of my relatives have worked downtown at some point or another). But I used to go down there every now and then, because my father worked here for most of his adult life (when he was working).

When I was in college, we started to meet up for lunch, and it continued as I entered the workforce myself. We didn't eat downtown too often--as I've quickly found out, the meal options down there are slim pickins. More often, we'd get lunch in the Village--my dad was a huge fan of the Waverly Diner on Sixth Avenue, for reasons that escape me.

But before my current gig, my only ventures into the Financial District area were to visit my dad, and so when I walk around those narrow, sloping streets, I feel haunted by him. Particularly since he used to work in the World Trade Center. I visited him a few times there, when he worked in an office on the 102nd floor, where you could actually feel the building yaw slightly to each side. I can't pretend to know what it's like to have lost someone on 9/11, but I think I know something like it when I look out my new office's windows and see workers below laying foundations, paving things over, removing all evidence that anyone was once there.

I called his death years before it happened, at least in broad terms. I declared to my mother that he'd already put us through too much grief to go easily. It would not be a quick heart attack or car accident. It would be something prolonged and painful and probably crippling to all our wallets. I said these things as jokes, but I was 100 percent convinced they would come true, and I was right.
Continue reading A Barehanded Grasp.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Alex Rodriguez: A Douche Too Far

By scratchbomb on August 5, 2010 9:43 AM | No Comments
arod_ws.jpgAlex Rodriguez's 600th home run was endlessly pimped by ESPN, YES, and the collected New York tabloids, to the point that the Yankees' taut anticipation of this historic event was posited by the fretful NY press corps as the source of the team's struggles. (You know, those struggles where they lose two games to the Blue Jays in the midst of another playoff-bound season. We should all struggle so much.)

When he finally connected for this historic dinger, the Yankee Stadium crowd gave him a standing ovation, something he rarely receives, even in The Bronx. But in the rest of the sports world, the event was greeted with either yawns or "enough already"s. Why is that? It is, after all, an historic accomplishment, one only attained by six other humans. No batter will reach this lofty goal again for a while, unless JI- JIM THOME can hang around long enough to hit the mark.

Is it the Steroids Issue? Yes, Rodriguez used them at some point in his career, and he is often taunted with screams of A-Roid (among other variations on his nickname). But I honestly think that, while PED hysteria reigns in newspapers and on talk radio, most fans don't give two doots about them. While the ethics of taking steroids are debatable, anyone who roots for a team has rooted for someone (knowingly or not) who used them. If it's a crime, we're all complicit. Those A-ROID! screams stem more from a desire to make fun of him than actual outrage.

Therein lies the reason for the apathy: Nobody cares about A-Rod's 600th homer because nobody likes him. Last week, Ken Tremendous encapsulated it in one amazing tweet: "'Alex Rodriguez is my favorite baseball player of all time!' said nobody."

I find this alternatively hilarious and tragic. Alex Rodriguez is one of the best to ever play the game. We may never see a better all-around player. He'll break a ton of offensive records before he retires, and he will undoubtedly make it to Cooperstown.

And yet, every step of his career he has been overlooked or reviled for one reason or another. Many of these reasons are unfair. He was hated for his enormous contract when he signed with the Rangers, as if any human being would have turned down the money he was offered. He was hated for his "failures" in the postseason, even though other Yankees failed just as badly or worse. He was hated for not displaying the Jetery Jeterness of his beloved teammate, even though he's a far superior player.

But there is one other negative about Rodriguez that, while also unfair, is still true: he's a Giant Douche. It's unfair because it's beyond his ability to change. But it's true because, c'mon, just look at the guy. If you saw a picture of him and knew nothing about him, you'd still proclaim, "There stands a douche."

He's certainly not the first Giant Douche to play baseball. Joe DiMaggio was apparently a miserable human being. Ted Williams was such a douche that even the slavish sports press of his day made it public knowledge. More recently, we have examples like A.J. Pierzynski, Shane Victorino, and Jonathan Papelbon, all world-class douches.

There are many kinds of douches. Most are the brash, un-self-conscious type. Or they're the exact opposite, blissfully unaware of the damage they cause, like a douchey bull in a china shop. The one characteristic they share is not caring about how they're perceived by the public at large, either because they don't realize it or don't care.

Rodriguez is a very different, very special type of douche, perhaps the only one of his kind. He gives off a distinctive douche aura immediately obvious to all who see him. And yet, he is so intent on proving himself not a douche that he actually makes himself appear even more douchey in the process. He wants to be loved, which should be a good quality in a person. But somehow, when filtered through the Alex Rodriguez Machine, this desire comes out twisted.

We all know the very public instances of his douchiness. But here is a story about Mr. Rodriguez that I feel illustrates it perfectly. I have to say I did not witness this story as it happened, but I know the people involved and can vouch for their truthiness.

This incident occurred at an office where I used to work on the Upper West Side. A-Rod apparently lives somewhere in the vicinity. He was out walking in the neighborhood and realized he needed to use the bathroom. As you probably know, it's really hard to find public rest rooms in Manhattan, because they don't exist. If nature calls and there's no Barnes and Noble nearby, you're pretty much screwed. So A-Rod ducked into our office and asked to use the facilities.

Unfortunately for him, the receptionist didn't recognize A-Rod and refused to let him use the bathroom. He pleaded his case to no avail, until a higher-up in the company saw him, kowtowed, and gave him permission to take care of business. On his way, he grabbed a copy of the Daily News from our waiting area.

A considerable while later (long enough to assume he was not just going Number 1), he emerged and thanked the company for its belated hospitality. But before he left, he left the copy of the Daily News on the secretary's desk. He had it open to a page featuring his photo, just to let the receptionist know that she had almost prevented an enormous superstar from taking a squeege.

That is a very special kind of Douche right there.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Jerry Manuel Managerial Javascript

By scratchbomb on August 3, 2010 7:28 AM | No Comments
jerry.jpg<script language="jerryscript">

function atbat
(if (runner on) {base = any} 
return bunt)
;

function lineup1
(if (constructing lineup) {day ends in Y}
return pick names out of hat)
;

function lineup2
(if (need number 6 hitter) {got a feeling he's gonna bust out}
return Francoeur
[else {return Francoeur}])
;

function pinchhitsituation
(if (lefty on mound)
return Cora)
[else {scan bench, return Cora}])
;

function lateinninglead
(if (ninth inning save situation or five-run lead in eighth)
return K-Rod
[else {return whoever's arm hasn't turn to spaghetti yet}])
;

function disagreementwithplayer
if (dont see eye to eye with player) {could be hashed out behind closed doors}
return talk shit about player to press)
;

function postgamepressconference
(if (blow out loss)
return nonsensical cackling);
[else {shake head, return guffaw})
;

function anotherlostseason
(if (team tanks) {offensive blackout} {fans screaming for blood}
return blame center fielder)
;

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

A Faceplant for All Seasons

By scratchbomb on August 2, 2010 7:18 AM | No Comments
It was, for the most part, a weekend to forget for the Mets. Particularly Sunday, when Jon Niese, Elmer Dessens, and Oliver Perez conspired to make a mockery of any Belief in Comebacks. As far as playoff dreams go, I am a die-harder. If fandom were World War II, I'd be one of those guys still hiding in a cave in the South Pacific with grenades 20 years later. But this weekend was the straw that broke this camel's back. I've passed from disgust to acceptance of yet another lost season.

However, there is one thing I will take with me from this otherwise soul crushing series against the Diamondbacks. During Friday night's comeback win that wasn't, at the conclusion of the sixth inning, SNY cut from the action on the field to the Shea Bridge in centerfield. Then, as the kids say, hilarity ensued.



If the 2010 Mets give me nothing else--and all signs point to them giving me nothing else--they will have given me this.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

A John Sterling Home Run Primer, By John Sterling

By scratchbomb on July 27, 2010 4:27 PM | No Comments
sterling.jpgGreetings, fans! John Sterling here, voice of the Yankees! If there's one question I get asked more than any other, it's "Why are you still alive?" After that, the question I get asked the most is, "How do you come up with your famous personalized home run calls?" Often followed by, "What possessed you to come up with these home run calls?" and "Who lets you come up with these home run calls?"

Each home run call I develop takes days, sometimes even weeks of trial and error. When the Yankees acquire a new player, I sit down with my little yellow notepad and come up with a few "punny" riffs on his name. I then stand in front of my full-length wardrobe mirror and bellow them at the top of my lungs, as I twitter and shake like Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias (still one of my faves!).

Then, if the downstairs neighbors haven't called the cops again, I judge the way they sound on my own Sterling Scale, with 1 Sterling being poor and 32 Sterlings being just grand! If I have a friend over for dinner, I'll seek feedback from him as well. I know I've hit the mark if he says he's not hungry anymore or turns green and runs to the bathroom.

I don't take this process lightly. After all, I am the voice of the Yankees, the most celebrated franchise in all of American sports. I understand that my choices should reflect the history, tradition, and mystique of this team. Of course, not everything can rise to the majestic heights of ROBBIE CANO, DONTCHA KNOW! or A THRILLA! BY GODZILLA!, but striving to achieve such grandeur remains my goal.

The most important factor when choosing my home run calls: Will it allow Suzyn Waldman any time to speak? If the answer is yes, it's back to the drawing board.

Of course, not every idea makes the cut. Here's a list of a few proposed home run calls for Yankee greats, past and present, that were not up to my usual, exacting standards:

Chuck Knoblauch: IT'S ANOTHER KNOB-POLISHER!

Jason Giambi: GO TO THE MATTRESSES! THAT'S A VICIOUS HIT BY THE GIAMBI-NO CRIME FAMILY!

Jorge Posada: HEY THERE, GEORGIE BOY, SWINGING AT THE PLATE SO FANCY FREE!

Bernie Williams: THAT BALL'S BEEN BERN-ED BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION! ANOTHER SKIN GRAFT-TACULAR HOMER FOR WILLIAMS!

Paul O'Neill: EVERY TIME I SEE YOU HOMERING I GET DOWN ON MY O'NEILL'S AND PRAY!

Chad Curtis: HE HIT THE BALL INTO THE STANDS WITH HIS BAT!

Brett Gardner: THE CONSTANT GARDNER! STARRING RALPH FIENNES AND RACHEL WEISZ WHICH I HAVE NOT YET SEEN BUT IS IN MY NETFLIX QUEUE!

Curtis Granderson: The entire original soundtrack to the 1953 musical Kismet
I've been blessed to call so many great moments in Yankee history. But if I have one more wish, it's to record an album of my home run calls with a full orchestra. Nelson Riddle will have to arrange, of course.

What would my own home run call be? I'm glad you asked. I think it would go something like this.

Sterling steps up to the plate, wearing his custom-made wool pinstripe Botany 500 suit. Two men on, two out, we're in the bottom of the ninth, and the Yankees trail by two. Theeeee pitch is BELTED TO DEEP LEFT-CENTER FIELD! THAT BALL IS HIGH! MMM-IT IS FAR! MMM-IT IS GONE! STERLING POUNDS ONE! THE JOHN BACKS UP--A HOMER, THAT IS! A STERLING SILVER PERFORMANCE! JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT, HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO! STER-LING UP SOME TROUBLE! JOHN JOHN, THE PIPER'S SON, HIT A HOMER AND AWAY HE RUN! YOU'RE SOME KIND OF MONSTER-LING! MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE AND JOHN, BLESS THIS HOMER WE JUST WON ON!
Or something equally as quiet and dignified.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Specter of Steinbrenner

By scratchbomb on July 13, 2010 5:30 PM | No Comments
bigstein.jpgThis seems as good a time as any to tell you about my ephemeral run-in with George Steinbrenner.

I grew up in a Cop Town north of New York City. It seemed like everyone I knew as a kid, their dad was either a policeman or a fireman in the city. (My dad was a notable exception; for most of my childhood, he veered between insurance, finance, and alcohol-aided unemployment.)

One of my best friends was a huge Yankees fan. His dad was a cop. His dad also worked the security detail for George Steinbrenner. My memory is vague on the finer points of the nature of this work; I think he may have been The Boss's driver at some point. I don't know if this work was actually part of his NYPD duty or something on the side. My guess is the latter.

When we graduated from elementary school, my friend's dad got us tickets for a Yankee game. Somehow I squeezed my mom for enough money to buy a program while I was there (our family finances were mired in the Dirt Poor range at the time), because on the few occasions I got to go to a baseball game, I HAD to score it. I don't know where I picked up this filthy habit, but it still haunts me. For four years, I brought a scorebook to every Met game I went to for the same purpose.

Midway through the game, my friend's dad decided to give us a treat by bringing us "behind the scenes" in the Yankee offices. A security guard waved us through a couple of imposing glass doors, and then a blazer-wearing tour guide showed us around the "backstage" area, which looked more or less like any other office, except with pictures of Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth everywhere.

He then walked us through the slim hallway that backed the press booths. We stopped briefly behind the WPIX booth, where Phil Rizzuto and Lou Piniella (post-managerial stint) were manning the mics. I waved at them and Scooter waved back. I felt weirdly excited about it.

We were then brought back into the office area, and into a big office. It had a very large desk in it, and it had a fantastic view of the field, with wall to floor windows. But apart from that, it was relatively sparse: a modest bookshelf, a few chairs, and that was pretty much it. Not even any art hanging from the walls. Its only opulent feature was a couch shaped like an old fielder's mitt, which I decided was the greatest thing ever.

A TV was on in the office. I saw that Don Mattingly had just singled. I'd been carrying my program around this whole time, attempting to keep up with the game. So I leaned on the desk to mark this down on the scorecard.

"And this," the tour guide said, "is Mr. Steinbrenner's office."

I recoiled from the desk in abject terror. I felt like I'd just grabbed Genghis Khan's spear. I'd toyed with the prize possession of a terrible, wrath-filled warlord. My friend later told me I leaped a good five feet from the desk. I thought that somehow, Steinbrenner would know I'd touched his desk. He'd just feel it, sense his aura being disturbed, and come storming up there to punish me in the most gruesome way possible. But the tour guide just laughed and we moved on.

I don't remember anything else from that game, except that we left early because it was a night game and not an ideal era to be out too late in The Bronx (even if you were accompanied by a cop). Because I was too scared that somehow, George Steinbrenner was going to find out I'd leaned on his desk and...I don't know, fire me?

I was way too old to be thinking such things, and I knew it, but the notion would not leave me. The specter of Steinbrenner was far too strong.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Charlie Manuel's All-Star My Guys Lineup

By scratchbomb on July 6, 2010 8:58 AM | No Comments
charliemanuel.jpg1B--Ryan Howard: Another solid season from the big guy. I know some people wanted me to take Joey Votto instead, just because he's having an MVP-caliber season. But Ryan's my guy, and I need a team full of "my guys" if I want to win this totally meaningless exhibition that determines home field advantage in the World Series for some reason.

2B--Chase Utley: I know Chase is out for 2 months after surgery on his thumb, but he's still my guy. I'll just put up one a them cages we put on the infield during batting practice. Or maybe we'll do a designated fielder. We can do that, right?

SS--Larry Bowa: I was tempted to go with Jimmy Rollins, but I decided to go old school with Larry. A Phillies legend, no doubt, and that old son of a bitch can still shotgun a can of Schlitz. Betcha Jose Reyes can't do that. Pussy.

3B--Jorge Rodriguez: Owns the bodega 'round the corner from me. Always has my brand of chaw stocked. Good egg.

OF--Bill Kennedy, Fred Derwin, Johnny Finnerty: The bartenders down at Mulcahy's. They make sure my friend Jim Beam never leaves me for too long.

Pitching Staff--My weekly poker game: Gotta have something to do while I'm out there in California. There's not much else going on in Los Angeles.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Stupid Knows No Holiday

By scratchbomb on July 5, 2010 10:46 AM | No Comments
madden_bill.jpgMost of us red-blooded Americans enjoyed a long weekend for the Fourth of July, but Bill Madden of the New York Daily News was hard at work on one of the dumbest, lamest columns I've ever read. You may have missed this piece of work as you barbecued or blew your arm off with a mortar, but I caught it.

This is a time of year where we're supposed to celebrate those who made possible all of our cherished freedoms, but this column almost made me wish we were a little less free. It not only subtracted a few IQ points off of its readers, but it also shaved thinner the dividing line between Sports Nerd and Comic Book Geek.

Recently, I took Madden to task for some remarks he made on WFAN about George Steinbrenner, as he promoted his biography of The Boss. The Daily News article also involved Steinbrenner, but in the dorkiest way possible. In my last post about Madden, I just thought the longtime sportswriter was just being myopic and selective in his memories of the Yankees' owner. Now I think Madden might be in love with him. Because in Madden's world, through Steinbrenner, all things are possible.

Here's the premise of his column, entitled "If Boss Ruled Knicks": In the alternate universe where George Steinbrenner owns the Knicks, LeBron James would sign with them in a minute, because George Steinbrenner is magical and everything he touches turns to gold.

Why is Madden even contemplating such a fantasy world this weekend? Because as you all know, George Steinbrenner was born on the Fourth of July. You all know this because Steinbrenner himself would be more than happy to drill that fact into your head with all the trumped-up patriotism in which he wrapped his team over the years. (Not so much from his Watergate-related conviction, but then again, what's more American than illegal campaign contributions?)

It's not until you get 3/4 of the way through the column that Madden mentions a deal that almost went down in the late 1990s, in which the Yankees, Knicks, and Rangers would've been part of one huge Cablevision-owned conglomerate. That fact makes Madden's fantasia at least plausible. But even if this deal had happened, do you think egos such as Steinbrenner's and the Dolans' could've coexisted long enough to allow The Boss to still be involved with the Knicks more than a decade later? Of course not. Within 6 months, somebody would've dropped out or been murdered.

Marvel Comics used to have a series called What If...?, where various hypotheticals of the Marvel Universe were explored. Madden has basically written that, in one of the largest newspapers in America, about two of the biggest figures in sports. It's not journalism. It's not even opinion. It's fan fiction. If the Daily News is going to publish stuff like this, why don't they just run short stories written by 15 year olds where Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Jack Skellington?
Continue reading Stupid Knows No Holiday.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Don't Do It, Bobby V! It's a Trick!

By scratchbomb on June 25, 2010 9:32 AM | No Comments
Thumbnail image for 99_nldsgm4_bobbyv.pngAs I write this, all the rumor, scuttlebutt, and foofara points to Bobby Valentine becoming the next manager of the Florida Marlins. This would distress me greatly, because I love Bobby V, and I despise the Marlins.

I actually don't hate any player on the Marlins. I just have no respect for them, as an organization. They've won two World Series and dismantled themselves immediately after winning both of them. They take revenue sharing money from MLB and refuse to spend it on their roster unless shamed by Bud Selig into doing so (when Selig sides against an owner, you know they're really doing something wrong). They play in a cavernous, charmless stadium that they couldn't fill if each seat came with a free beer and blow job. And their owner is easily the biggest shitheel in baseball now that George Steinbrenner is retired.

One of my most painful baseball memories: seeing the Mets lose to the Marlins on the last day of the 2008 season, the last game ever at Shea. The loss prevented them from finishing in a tie with the Brewers for the wild card, and brought on another long winter.

Yes, the blame falls on the Mets themselves for letting this happen. But after the Mets made the last out, the Marlins hugged and high-fived on the field like a bunch of Little Leaguers who just earned a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. I know teams congratulate each other on the field all the time, but this was a prolonged, obnoxious celebration. They milked this bit for every last drop, as angry fans screamed GET OFF THE DAMN FIELD!! It was basically a huge extended middle finger to everyone in the crowd, and I will hate the Marlins until the day I die for that.

Not to mention this was the second year in a row that the Marlins beat the Mets on the last day of the season to destroy their playoff hopes. Yes, please, let's not mention it.

As for Bobby Valentine, I know a lot of people don't like him for one reason or another, and I understand why people wouldn't like him. He certainly doesn't suffer from a lack of ego or excess of humility. He has a weird sense of humor that doesn't always translate well after it leaves his brain and enters the real world. Like his infamous dugout disguise in 1999, or his attempts at Cheech and Chong-esque jokes during the Grant Roberts mess in 2002.

Allowing all of that, I think Bobby Valentine is a true baseball genius. Just look at the Mets teams he brought to the postseason. They had lots of talent and were fun to watch (particularly in 1999), but they were not teams that should've gone deep into the playoffs.

Valentine was able to take those teams' weaknesses and turn them into strengths. He compensated for a relatively weak starting rotation with judicious use of a great bullpen. While he wasn't afraid to use his relievers early and often, rarely did he overuse them.

He also didn't have fantastic outfielders to choose from, so he switched often between guys like Benny Agbayani, Ronny Cedeno, Darryl Hamilton, Melvin Mora, Jay Payton, Timo Perez...not exactly a collection of superstars. And yet he found enough playing time for all of them, while also managing to identify whoever had the "hot hand" at the time.

Bobby Valentine was fired after the 2002 season to pay for Steve Phillips' sins, which still stands out as one of the dumbest things the Mets have ever done (quite a feat, considering the team). He found success managing in Japan, but clearly (and understandably) feels like he still has something to prove in the majors.

And I would love to see him prove it--if not with the Mets, then with somebody. I could even stomach Bobby V managing the Phillies or the Yankees. But there's something about seeing him manage the Marlins that seems both unseemly and beneath him. Like he's grasping at this opportunity simply because it's been offered to him, when he would really be better served holding out for something better.

I'm sure that's not true. After all, he interviewed for the Orioles' opening and decided that wasn't for him (who is it for?). And he's apparently good buddies with Jeff Loria (a fact that makes me question all the good things I've said about him), so at least there's some connection between the two men.

But seeing him in a Marlin uniform--which now appears more a matter of When than If--will be kind of like seeing Eugene Levy in all those terrible American Pie straight-to-DVD follow-ups, or Steve Martin in virtually everything he's done in the last 15 years. You just wanna grab him and say, "Look, I know you want the work, and maybe on some level you need it, but you're better than this, and this will not end well."

Because you know that, even if Bobby V and Loria are BFFs, there will be conflicts between the two of them over the direction of the team. I can't imagine he'll enjoy Florida's $45 million payroll, or taking buses between cities, or scrubbing the dirt out his players' uniforms by hand, or mowing the field on off days.

Loria's already run two good managers out of Florida--first Joe Girardi, then Fredi Gonzalez (and basically handed the Braves, a division rival, their future manager in the process). Bobby V is no better than either of these guys in his willingness to take shit from others. Is he likely to stay quiet when Loria continues to do things on the cheap, or do other insane things like install a shark tank behind home plate at their new stadium? Unlikely.

So if you haven't said yes yet, Bobby, and you have a spare moment to reconsider, I humbly suggest you do so. Jeff Loria might be your buddy now, but I bet he gets a lot less friendly once five dollars is involved.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Pros of Strasburg-Mania, and One Tiny Con

By scratchbomb on June 9, 2010 2:34 AM | No Comments
strasburg.jpgStephen Strasburg's major league debut was everything (almost) everyone hoped it would be. I'll admit there was a part of me that wanted Strasburg to, if not fail, then perform in a middling fashion. There was no way (I thought) the hype could possibly match the reality. But it did, and then some. After seeing how lights out he was, and ignoring the fact that the Mets will have to face this guy a couple of times a season for at least the next few years, I had to admit he was something awesome to behold.

Of course, some people pointed out that Strasburg's start came against the lowly Pirates (like this jerk did). But with some time to think about my dumb tweet, I've changed my mind and would like to echo the sentiments expressed by Walkoff Walk. The Pirates are still a major league team. They have some decent hitters, like Andrew McCutchen, Delwyn Young, and, okay, why not, Lastings Milledge. Even the worst teams in baseball do not strike out 14 times in one game very often. Any time a pitcher racks up that many Ks, no matter who the opponent is, it's amazing. Especially when he fans the last seven batters to face him and is still throwing 99 mph as he does it.

Almost as impressive as the 14 strikeouts: Strasburg did not walk a single batter. I bet you'd have to look long and hard to find the last time a pitcher made his first major league start and didn't issue a single free pass. And if you did find such a start, it was probably because that rookie gave up seven straight hits and was yanked before recording an out.

I also heard/read some people mocking Nats fans for never showing up to games before now, and leaving when Strasburg left the game. That last act is, admittedly, a little shabby. But up to this point, you can't say the Nationals had much to cheer for, save Ryan Zimmerman and the occasional anomalous hot streak. I don't blame people from staying away from the ballpark. Going to games is expensive. If you're going to invest that amount of money and time, the on-field product better be worth it, and up to this point, it hasn't been.

It reminds me of 2008, when the Rays made the playoffs and lots of fans (particularly of the Red Sox stripe) mocked the folkways of a fanbase that had no experience with packed stadiums and postseason baseball. Such criticism is totally unfair, because all fandom starts somewhere. Just because the Sox had almost a century's head start to build its mythos doesn't make their fandom any more evolved or righteous.

In 1905, some handlebar-mustachioed gentleman decided to take in the Boston nine and see what all the fuss was about; now 100 years later, his descendents are Sox fans. If this person had grown up in Tampa Bay, he wouldn't have had an opportunity to see a major league baseball team in his hometown for 90 years. Whose fault would that be? Nobody's.

I'm sure there's kids in Florida who got hooked on baseball for the first time because of the excitement of that first postseason in Tampa. Now they're fans for life, and they'll pass that passion along to their kids. Likewise, people from DC who had only a middling interest in the Nationals could get caught along the tide of Strasburg-mania, and in the process, become real fans. And the people who've been "real fans" all along get to look down their noses at the newcomers and boast that they liked the Nats before it was cool. Win-win!

My only objection, and it has little to do with the second coming of Koufax himself: I've heard more than one person say that Strasburg's debut was a great tonic for "long suffering" Nats fans. Here I must raise a hand and object. The Nationals have only been around for six seasons. They have not existed for a sufficient amount of time to have a long suffering fanbase. For that, look at the team from Pittsburgh they just defeated. Or Indians fans. Or Royals fans.

Better yet, look to the dispossessed Expos fans, who were left without a team when the now-Nationals left Montreal. There's no better definition of a long-suffering fanbase than one whose team split town and ain't never coming back. Particularly since Expos fans must have seen the execution coming from miles away, as MLB did everything in its power to drain the Expos of what little life they had. They moved "home" games to Puerto Rico. They let Jeff Loria run the team into the ground. And they took over the franchise but didn't allow it to improve in any way.

Just consider that, Nats fans. Your team may have been a doormat up until this point, but least it still exists.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Non-Persistence of Memory, George Steinbrenner Edition

By scratchbomb on June 8, 2010 9:12 AM | No Comments
bigstein.jpgI have now almost totally weaned myself off of listening to WFAN (apart from Mets games). It was hard at first, because I grew up in a house where this station was on all the time. The sounds of sports radio, however dumb, are like audio comfort food to me. But I've come to realize it's more like audio Cheetos--it provides no nutrition and leaves behind a sticky, powdery mess.

However, I will occasionally tune in after a good series for the Mets. I like to soak up some good vibes and listen to those sad sacks who bitch and moan no matter what the team does. I did this yesterday and also heard the late morning/early afternoon hosts Joe Benigno and Evan Roberts interview Bill Madden, Latino-phobic Daily News scribe and George Steinbrenner biographer.

I have yet to read his Steinbrenner book, though I would like to. But if a subtitle like "The Last Lion of Baseball" didn't clue you into the book's tone, then this interview would have (you can hear the whole thing here). Like most folks who speak of Big Stein these days, Madden was effusive in his praise of the Yankees owner. He credits Steinbrenner with "making the Yankees a billion-dollar enterprise". Asked if he should be in the Hall of Fame, Madden responded, "if you tried to write a definitive history of baseball, I defy you to be able to do it without mentioning George Steinbrenner prominently throughout it."

You also can't write a history of the 2000's without mentioning George W. Bush prominently throughout it. That doesn't make him a great president. He had a lot of impact on the world, and most of it was negative. Prominence doesn't necessarily equal greatness, and it certainly doesn't necessarily equal goodness.

I know I've written about this before, but whenever confronted with this take on Steinbrenner, I feel like I have to raise my hand and provide a counter-argument. Because with each passing year, the idea of George Steinbrenner as a terrible owner seems to trickle down the memory hole.

And I know I've told this story before, too, but it also bears repeating because no one seems to remember this era anymore. The day Steinbrenner received his second "lifetime" suspension in 1990, I was at my grandparents house. I remember it distinctly because my uncle--an out-of-his-skull fanatical Yankees fan--was also there, and when the news came down, he literally leaped in the air, clapped his hand, and yelled with joy.

Because by that point, Yankee fans were in open revolt. The 1980s were an anxious, fallow period for the franchise. Despite spending top dollar on the best available free agents (surprise, surprise), the Yankees missed out on the playoffs for 13 straight seasons--a long drought for any team, let alone them.
Continue reading The Non-Persistence of Memory, George Steinbrenner Edition.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Excerpt from Jim Joyce's "Portrait of the Umpire as a Young Blind Man"

By scratchbomb on June 3, 2010 9:08 AM | No Comments
jimjoyce.jpg"Welcome, O infamy! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of my experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the final impetus for full replay."

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Baseball Purgatory of Joe Buck

By scratchbomb on May 24, 2010 2:19 PM | No Comments
joebuck2.jpgOn Saturday, we visited friends to take in game 2 of the Subway Series, a rare evening Fox broadcast. These friends are Yankee fans, but we agree on this point: Joe Buck is awful. Much of our in-game conversation revolved around his hideousness. (We pretty much left Tim McCarver's performance alone; at this point, making fun of Tim is like busting on the fat kid in your grade who's been left behind three times.)

As the game ground to a conclusion, Joe Buck sounded positively crestfallen. And when Frankie Rodriguez finally struck out Francisco Cervelli to end it, Buck was despondent. I thought maybe it was because he expected the Yankees to mount a comeback (an effort the Mets' bullpen did its best to aid). Especially since the general tenor of the broadcast depicted the Mets as little more than an inconvenient molehill in the mountain that is the Yankees' season.

But my friend countered with something that really struck a chord. "He's not sad because he wanted the Yankees to win," my friend said. "He's just sad because he realizes he still has to call baseball games."

This is a theory I've had for a while and written about more than once, but I've never heard put quite this way before. I've said that Buck secretly hates baseball and unfavorably compared him to Chip Caray, another legacy broadcaster who also sucks but who is at least animated. I've even thought Buck is trapped in a purgatory of his own design.

It never occurred to me that maybe Buck hopes that each baseball game he calls might be his last. Perhaps a wildcat work stoppage will grind the big leagues to a halt. Perhaps MLB will get fleeced by a Bernie Madoff-esque con artist and lose so much money it's forced to close its doors. Perhaps some strange psycho-social event will alter the collective American consciousness so much that professional sports will no longer be a viable industry.

Maybe he thinks that if he just does just this one more game, he'll be released from this Faustian bargain, the one where he asked for fame and fortune in exchange for going into the family business that he hates. Is there any realistic chance it this Last Game will ever come? Of course not. But he has to think there is or go mad.

In a book I read recently (I want to say it's Paul Auster's Invisible, but I'm not 100 percent sure about that, so don't quote me), two characters wonder if the damned would have hope. They come to the conclusion that in order for Hell to have any meaning, the damned have some kind of hope. If they didn't, they would resign themselves to the horrors of hell, no matter how bad they were, and it wouldn't truly be hell.

Therefore, Buck must believe that he will be released from his torture, even though only the grave will release him from this obligation. It would be chilling, even sad, if it wasn't happening to Joe Buck, who is fucking horrible.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Today's Subway Series Headlines

By scratchbomb on May 24, 2010 9:17 AM | No Comments
2010subwayseries.jpgDaily News

OH CAPTAIN!: Jeter nearly fields three ground balls in valiant effort

Plus: "How the Mets managed to win despite having a so many Latinos," by Bill Madden, and "What this series means to me, personally, and no one else," by Mike Lupica

New York Post

YEAH, I GUESS: Mets hold on to win ultimately meaningless series

Plus: An apology for the premature online posting of original game story: K-WRONG: Closer blows lead and as Mets lose series that meant everything to them

New York Times

Struggling to Fit As Many Words into a Sports Headline as He Possibly Can, Our Editor Adds Countless Qualifiers Until the 6-4 Final of Last Night's Contest Between the Mets and Yankees Is Completely Obscured

Newsday

METS WI--

To read more, please sign up to get behind Newsday's curiously anachronistic paywall.

ESPN New York

YANKEES DEFEATED BY NON-RED SOX TEAM
Champs travel to Minnesota after off day to take on another non-Red Sox team

Plus: "Watch me shit all over the Mets' series win because it made a few people happy," by Wallace Matthews

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Jerry Manuel to Bat Kitten in the Three Spot

By scratchbomb on May 20, 2010 9:00 AM | No Comments
manuel.jpgIn an effort to "shake up the lineup", Mets manager Jerry Manuel will bat a kitten third in tonight's game in Washington. "I just need to find the right mix," he said after last night's loss.

The kitten, one of a litter of seven, does not have a name yet, but clubhouse reporters describe it as "adorable". To make room for the kitten on the 40-man roster, both Jose Reyes and Johan Santana were placed on irrevocable waivers and immediately claimed by the Braves and Phillies respectively.

This was not the only batting order shakeup Manuel considered. "I also thought about handing in a lineup with only seven names and seeing if I could get away with it," he said.

Asked if this was a transparent effort to get fired as soon as possible, Manuel responded with a wan, chilling laugh.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Nathan Thurm Charlie Manuel Explains Himself

By scratchbomb on May 13, 2010 9:13 AM | No Comments
nathanthurm.jpgCharlie, what do you say to accusations that your team has been stealing signs?

I'd say that those accusations...I'd have to see who was doing the accusing before I rushed to any judgment.

Your team was formally reprimanded by the commissioner's office for stealing signs. This complaint I have here...

I know what that is.

Let me finish, please. This complaint I have here was lodged by the Rockies after they spotted your bullpen coach using binoculars to try and steal signs from their catcher. What do you have to say about that?

Yes, the Phillies have been stealing signs. Don't you think I know that? It's my team. I'm quite aware of that!

And this is not the first time the accusation has been lobbed at your team. The Dodgers complained about sign stealing during the last NLCS, and the Mets suspected sign stealing during their last series in Philadelphia.

How about this: The Mets have won a lot of games at home and not so many on the road. Have you ever thought that maybe they're stealing signs? Why don't you go ask them about that?

Even though they just lost two out of three at home to the Nationals.

Maybe you're stealing signs. Have you ever thought about that?

I don't manage a baseball team.

Why does it have to be a manager of a baseball team who steals signs? Have you ever thought about that? It's not me, right? It's him, isn't it?

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Bud Selig on Series Relocation

By scratchbomb on May 12, 2010 10:17 AM | No Comments
budselig2.jpgAs you all know, the G20 Summit is happening in Toronto this summer. You guys all knew that, right? Because I sure as hell didn't. Not when I was making the schedules for this season, anyway. Oh well, live and...live and...how does the rest of that go? Eh, it's not important.

Anywhoozle, the G20 Summit will attract some of the world's most dangerous, ski-hatted anarchists, who threaten to stand around in streets chanting things in a vaguely upsetting matter, then disperse. I take this threat very seriously, even if 75 percent of these anti-capitalist groups are comprised of undercover FBI agents snitching on the other 25 percent. During this summit, Toronto may be safe enough to host the finance ministers of the world's 20 leading economies, but it certainly won't be safe enough for Alex Rios and Placido Polanco.

That's why I'm moving the interleague series between the Blue Jays and the Phillies down to Philadelphia. I understand that this may give one team a serious advantage. After all, the Blue Jays won their last World Series against the Phillies, and surely the memories of Joe Carter and Paul Molitor will give Toronto a huge psychic advantage! But I think the Phillies are talented enough to overcome this.

My office did give some consideration to moving this series to a neutral site. But I remember two years ago, we moved an Astros/Cubs series from Houston to Milwaukee, and many fans thought it was unfair to relocate those games to a city so close to Chicago. This time, to remove any ambiguity, I decided to just move the series to the other team's home field so there would be no question about who was getting hosed.

Some say I could have moved the games to Buffalo or Montreal or some other city like that. But then I'd have to find out the names of the stadiums in those cities. And then I'd have to find out who runs them. And then I'd have to find out their phone number. And then what if they don't answer the phone? Ugh, who's got time for that kind of hassle?!

I do understand that other teams in the NL East feel this gives an unfair edge to the Phillies, but I'd like to point out that each of them has an advantage of their own, which I feel cancels out this effect:

  • The Mets will play in Puerto Rico this summer at the end of June, and you know how much Those People like hot, Caribbean temperatures. Fuck, did I say that out loud?
  • The Marlins, in addition to playing in that series in Puerto Rico, have an average attendance of 300 people per game, which really cuts down on the pressure to perform.
  • The Braves have Jason Heyward, who can heal lepers, I've heard.
  • And the Nationals will be eliminated in the Great MLB Downsizing I have planned for 2015, so I'm not too worried about making them happy.

There you go, it's a win-win situation. Actually, it's a win-win-win situation, since the Phillies will totally sweep that series. Especially if they use that other advantage we've been letting them get away with.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Bud Selig Addresses the Arizona Question

By scratchbomb on May 10, 2010 10:14 AM | No Comments
budselig2.jpg Don't think Major League Baseball is unaware of or insensitive to the situation in Arizona, just because we haven't acknowledged it in any way so far. I just think it's unwise to rush into any action or statement or movement until we have all the facts.

Rest assured, my Fact Gatherers are out there right now, gathering those facts. Yup, they are working hard, and as soon as they're done with their work, that's when the work of the Fact Interpreters begins. And once those guys are done with their work, we have to call in the Action Recommenders, who recommend actions based on those facts.

And when all of that is taken care of, we have to bring in someone to clean up the facts and file them away so the office looks neat and tidy. Clean office, clean business, I always say. It's a long, involved process, people.

Stalling? I'm not stalling. What makes you think I'm stalling? I can't believe you would think something like that. That's just...did you eat? Can I get you something? How about some coffee?

However, I want to say right up front that we will not consider moving the All Star Game from Phoenix in 2011. Even if the state passed an unjust law--AND I'M NOT SAYING THEY DID, DON'T RUSH ME--it's not fair to the citizens of Arizona to deny them a chance to see baseball superstars up close, like Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols and whoever we decide to send from the Royals. And by "citizens", of course I mean whichever corporate douchebags weasel their way into getting tickets to the game.

As for all the spring training facilities in Arizona, that is a team matter that each team will have to decide for itself based on what is good for that particular team. I believe in teams' rights and trust them to come to equitable, sensible decisions on their own. It's a policy I learned when I did graduate work at the James Buchanan School of Diplomacy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide under this pile of coats while whistling loudly and hope that somehow, all of this goes away.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

For-Real Interview: Dan Epstein

By scratchbomb on May 7, 2010 9:04 AM | No Comments
bighair.jpgAs a kid, I was fascinated by 1970s baseball. The huge afros, the amazing facial hair, the retina-burning uniform designs--it seemed like such an insane, colorful era, particularly when compared to the heavily moussed 80s, where I spent most of my kid-dom. (Of course, there were some colorful characters then, too, but that's a tale for another time.)

Whenever I had some disposable income (which was not often), I would spend it at a baseball card convention or store, usually on a large plastic box filled with completely worthless cards from 1977 or 1975, just so I could savor such sartorial majesties as Willie McCovey's sideburns. My elementary school library had these slim books on each major league team, all published in the mid-'70s, which I borrowed repeatedly. And whenever my grampa took me to Cooperstown, I'd seek out the unbelievable mini-exhibit on the technicolor uniforms from those years (sadly, no longer there).

While there are some chronicles of players and teams from the 1970s (The Machine and Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bronx Is Burning are great, recent examples), there haven't been many (if any) retrospectives about the decade in total. When people speak of a Golden Age of Baseball, they usually save such mythologizing for the 1950s and its stainless, sepia-tone heroes.

But now there is finally an evangelist for game as played in the Me Decade. Journalist Dan Epstein has penned a love letter to 1970s baseball entitled Big Hair and Plastic Grass: A Funky Ride through Baseball and America in the Swinging 70s. ESPN's Rob Neyer has said of this tome, "What the 1960s were to America, the 1970s were to baseball, and Dan Epstein has finally given us the swinging book the '70s deserve." The book drops May 25 from Thomas Dunne Books, and there will be a big ol' release party at the Bell House in Brooklyn on May 26 (I for one am excited to try the Oscar Gamble hot dog that will be served there).

Dan was generous enough to take some time out of his busy schedule and answer some questions via email about Astroturf, day-glo erseys, the best Topps card designs, and the worst promotions of all time. Read all about it after the jump.
Continue reading For-Real Interview: Dan Epstein.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Bud Selig, Twit

By scratchbomb on April 29, 2010 8:57 AM | No Comments
budselig2.jpgHonestly, I think MLB's revised Twitter policy has been blown way out of proportion. I believe this so strenuously I've been trying to browbeat any writer who reported the story to change their tune. I even offered a free group interview with MLB Network star Mitch Williams, but no one has taken the bait yet.

The new policy is basically this: MLB.com beat writers can only tweet about baseball. They can only use 127 characters instead of 140, because all their tweets have to end with #sexybudselig. At least until I overtake Justin Bieber as a trending topic, or figure out who Justin Bieber is.

The reason for this policy is quite simple: I don't want our beat writers using up precious MLBAM resources on non-baseball-related tweets. Especially after our staff went through the enormous trouble of setting up Twitter accounts for all these people. That takes over 17 hours per account! At least that's the time I was billed for by our freelance IT staff. Why, that's almost as long as they tell me it takes to perform a Google search!

Penalties for violation of this policy will be firm but fair. Any beat writer who tweets about a sandwich, salad, or any other food item will be suspended for three games. Because neither I nor anyone else could possible give less of a shit about your lunch.

Anyone who tweets about the latest Lost episode will be suspended for 50 games, because I'm Tivo'ing the whole season so I can watch it in one long chunk one it's over. Don't think I won't do it, either. I came down on Manny Ramirez like a ton of bricks when he tweeted about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy.

However, I will show leniency to any beat writer who can help me do a podcast. Does anyone know how to set that up? Because I think the world is finally ready to hear my thoughts on Battlestar Galactica.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Next Up on The FAN: Questions of Great Thelogical Import

By scratchbomb on April 20, 2010 9:58 AM | No Comments
In the wake of another disappointing weekend for the Mets (during which they could conceivably have swept the Cardinals but only managed one win, and that one a 20-inning purgatorial nightmare), the WFAN airwaves were rife with distraught fans declaring their disgust. But while most callers employed the harshest language radio would allow, one Mike Francesa listener had loftier thoughts on her mind.



Yes, you heard right. Kathy thinks the Mets need Jesus. And not Jesus as in "Jesus Christ, can't this team do anything right?!" No, she seems to honestly believe the Mets, as a team, need to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Why? "That team is horrible!" Because as we all know, only righteous, pious teams win championships. Just look at the Mets' last World Series-winning team. The 1986 Mets were a collection of clean-living souls who only played baseball in between their seminary studies and mission trips to Guatemala.

Let's give Kathy the benefit of the doubt. It's possible she was being hyperbolic or facetious, or perhaps she's really young and has no context on which to draw (ie, the hundreds of championship teams whose off-the-field behavior indicated they had very little use for religion). Or maybe she was actually being sincere and thinks born again-ing your team will lead to success on the field. She's entitled to that opinion (just as I am entitled to skewer it). Regardless, Francesa's response was more wackadoo than the question.

Granted, this is a touchy subject. If you're behind the mic, you don't want be overly dismissive and offend anyone, but you also don't want to open the floodgates to start a religious discussion on a sports talk show. Basically, you want this line of inquiry to disappear ASAP. If this was me, I'd be tempted to say, "Why should Jesus give a shit about a sports team?" But the safer response would be, "I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole."

Francesa, who has a few decades' worth of experience on the radio, clearly wants to go this route. But in so doing, he lets loose a brief, bizarre critique of this woman's statement. To wit: Why would Jesus choose the Mets over somebody else?

That's a fair assessment, Mike. Clearly the heavens have not turned their attention the Mets, unless it's some malevolent trickster god like Loki.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Coming Soon: The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

By scratchbomb on April 7, 2010 9:01 AM | No Comments
show_castillo.jpgMy dedication to this site was derailed the past few days by the tail end of spring break. Not mine, of course, but The Baby's. It seems day care gives spring break even to three-year-olds, so I spent a good chunk of the last week driving The Baby back from Cabo. Maybe you think spring break is awesome if you're still young and childless, but it really sucks if you have to work while your kid is drunk-texting you from Senor Frog's.

But spring break is over, I have returned, and I wanted to let everyone know that I will soon commence on my newest, most insanest project: The Parallel Universe Fake Mets. An overwhelming 56 percent of you said this is how I should waste my time this baseball season, and waste it I shall.

For those of you who need an introduction or refresher, the premise is thus: I will play an entire season as the Mets in the PS2 version of MLB10:The Show in franchise mode. My results will be posted series by series, and compared to the result of the actual real-life Mets. I realize that, for comedic purposes, this project would probably work best if my Fake Team does awesome and the Real Team does not. But I will be totally fine if events do not develop in such a fashion.

I may also attempt to do some Fake Team results with Stratomatic Baseball, the spiritual grandfather to fantasy leagues. I reserve the right to do this at any time for any reason, and to discontinue doing so by whim as well.

If you've never played The Show before, here's what you need to understand about it: It's hard. Actually, it's not hard--it's unfair, especially at the more difficult settings (I will be playing my games at the second-highest difficulty). Your AI opponent gets breaks that you don't; it's as if the computer has paid off the umps. The other pitcher gets strike calls for every pitch even remotely close to the plate, while your pitches have to be right down the middle to receive such a favor. The opposing batters never have an appealed check swing overturned, while your check swings are always deemed strikes on appeal. The relative talents of the pitchers or batters involved have little bearing on these results.

Which brings me to another point. The unfairness is accentuated by the game's resistance to the real life abilities and tendencies of major league baseball players. The Show does an excellent job of capturing real swings, real pitching motions, and real stadiums, but it is not quite as accurate when it comes to reflecting the relative weaknesses of certain players.

The computer-controlled batters are very reluctant to swing and miss at any pitch, no matter how much your curve or slider breaks, even if it's a walk-ophobic hitter like Jeff Francoeur. Similarly, every opposing player fields like a Gold Glover, regardless of their real-life counterpart's fielding abilities; Computerized Dan Uggla, for instance, robs hits in the whole all the time even though Real Dan Uggla has never caught anything not hit directly at him. And every single outfielder has a cannon for an arm, even Johnny Damon.

So I've spent the last month playing this game and figuring out how to work around these roadblocks. I've also had to regain my video game playing chops, which I lost during the first three years of parenting. But I don't miss those years I would've spent with a Playstation console, because as Dr. Spock said, parenting is the toughest video game you'll ever love.

I'm combating these unfair elements by taking advantage of unfairness that works in my favor. The Show's default lineups do not reflect the injuries to Jose Reyes or Carlos Beltran, so I will be able to play with both of them on the team all year. (The same rule applies to Kelvim Escobar, but it's still unclear how much of an advantage that will turn out to be.) And thanks to players who were still free agents when the game went to press (do video games go to press?), I was able to pick up Orlando Hudson to split time with Luis Castillo. And because the default lineup did not include Rod Barajas, I opted for a platoon with Omir Santos and Josh Thole.

Long story short, I will post my first installment on Friday, after the conclusion of the first Real Mets series of the year. And for any of you who wanted The 2000 Project, I plan on giving periodic mini-recaps of the 2000 season, though nothing nearly as comprehensive as The 1999 Project.

Without further ado, let the nightmare begin!


Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL East

By scratchbomb on April 2, 2010 2:14 PM | No Comments
omar3.jpgBALTIMORE ORIOLES

2009 record: 64-98

Local weather: Crime-filled, critically acclaimed

Namesake: John McGraw's turn of the century squad that cheated and fist-fought its way to dominance. Ah, the good ol' days...

What was McNulty thinking with the whole "homeless biter" thing?: I don't know. It's always bugged me.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Flippin' the Bird!

Best name on 40-man roster: Cla Meredith, striking a blow for unclear long vowels everywhere

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Garrett Atkins. One bad season and the Rockies kicked him to the curb. A cruel business, baseball is.

Spring standout: Felix Pie. And when Felix Pie is your spring standout, a long season awaits.

Probable Opening Day starter: Kevin Millwood, also not a good sign.

Biggest question for 2010: Who will take over Camden Yards to a more annoying extent, Yankee fans or Red Sox fans?

Advantage to start the season: I dunno, nobody's died yet? That's a plus.

Semi-serious assessment: There's some young talent on this team, like Nick Markakis and Adam Jones and Matt Wieters, but virtually no pitching. Not to mention they play in possibly the toughest division in baseball. Yet another tough year in Charm City.
Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL East.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL Central

By scratchbomb on April 2, 2010 9:29 AM | No Comments
8menout.jpgCHICAGO WHITE SOX

2009 record: 79-83

Local weather: Broad-shouldered

Namesake: Article of footwear whose color could be changed in an ironic fashion to indicate infamy or shame

Is Hawk Harrelson the biggest tool in all of baseball announcing?: Perhaps, though John Sterling gives him a run for his money.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Joy of Sox, or Sox Appeal. The thought of A.J. Pierzynski in conjunction with a word that even vaguely sounds like "sex" is vomit-inducing.

Best name on 40-man roster: Stefan Gartrell. Sorry, that's the fakest last name I've heard since Nick Soapdish.

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Omar Vizquel, who I'm surprised is still on any team at this point. He's become the Jamie Moyer of shortstops, though he throws harder than Jamie.

Spring standout: Mark Kotsay, batting over .400 and once again proving the complete meaninglessness of spring stats.

Probable Opening Day starter: Mark Buehrle, which means Chicago's opener will probably clock in at a cool 90 minutes.

Biggest question for 2010: Will Ozzie Guillen's Twitter account be shut down before it incurs some sort of lawsuit or police action?

Advantage to start the season: Umpires intimidated by roving bags of scumbags in the crowd.

Semi-serious assessment: A full season of Jake Peavey could push them into contention, but I don't know how likely that is. Their lineup is Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez, and not much else, and the bullpen is not much to write home about, either. I foresee a thoroughly meh year on the South Side.
Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL Central.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL West

By scratchbomb on April 1, 2010 8:52 AM | No Comments
scioscia.jpgANAHEIM ANGELS

2009 record: 97-65, AL West title, lost Championship Series to Yankees

Local weather: Suburban

Namesake: Theatre investors. Ziegfeld's in the house tonight, everyone!

How much does Angels owner Arte Moreno look like a Walt Disney?: A disturbingly large amount.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Angels in the Outfield. Lame, but at least it gives work to Christopher Lloyd.

Best name on 40-man roster: Maicer Izturis. I hate maicers to paicers!

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Hideki Matsui, whose salary should offset the cost of transporting his enormous porn collection from New York.

Spring standout: Catcher Mike Napoli, who's clubbed 5 homers this spring and is in no way connected to The Mob. I don't know why you'd think that. That's racist.

Probable Opening Day starter: Jered Weaver, who looks just as baked as his brother, but is much more employed.

Biggest question for 2010: What tragic death will inspire the Angels this year?

Advantage to start the season: Insane Orange County traffic will prevent anyone from actually attending the games.

Semi-serious assessment: I was amazed to see that the Angels won 97 games last year. I think that result will be impossible to reproduce this year, as Seattle has improved by leaps and bounds. They lost John Lackey and added Joel Pineiro, who I predict will turn back into a pumpkin like most Dave Duncan projects do away from St. Louis. This year's Angels have taken a step backward--not an enormous one, but not small enough to stave off the huge step forward taken by the Mariners.
Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: AL West.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL East

By scratchbomb on March 31, 2010 9:01 AM | No Comments
chipper2.jpgATLANTA BRAVES

2009 record: 86-76

Local weather: Hotter than the devil's drawers, suh! /sips mint julep

Namesake: Valiant Native American warriors like Chief Noc-a-homa

What will Bobby Cox do after he retires?: I don't know, but for his wife's sake, I hope he doesn't plan on spending a lot of time around the house.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Anything involving 'chop'. The only thing that should be chopped on the Braves is their dumb, racist chant.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jonny Venters, who had a few regional rockabilly hits back in the 50s.

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who was allowed to keep the tiny shreds of his throwing arm that Joe Torre didn't destroy

Spring standout: Jason Heyward, who is not only tearing the cover off the ball, but can make sportswriters cream their jeans with every swing of his bat.

Probable Opening Day starter: Derek Lowe, taking some time off between injuries to throw a baseball.

Biggest question for 2010: Will Chipper Jones badmouth his own teammates again, or save his dumb outburst for someone on another team?

Advantage to start the season: Low pressure--if Braves fans won't come out for the playoffs, they surely won't care if the team starts out slow.

Semi-serious assessment: Potentially great starting rotation, and a formerly suspect lineup has been shored up by the emergence of Heyward (THE CHOSEN ONE!). The bullpen took a step back--Mike Gonzalez and Rafael Soriano were replaced with Takashi Saito and Billy Wagner, neither of whom have any chance of staying healthy all season (mark it down). Regardless, the Braves will definitely compete this year. Fuck.
Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL East.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL Central

By scratchbomb on March 30, 2010 9:33 AM | No Comments
harrycaray.jpgCHICAGO CUBS

2009 record: 83-78

Local weather: If you don't like it, just wait a minute!* (* joke stolen from your grampa)

Namesake: The smaller partner in a "bear" relationship

Has it really been 102 years since they won a World Series?: Yes, but some days it only feels like 75.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Lovable Losers. How many losers have you known that were lovable? Most losers are bitter, sour human beings.

Best name on 40-man roster: Esmailin Caridad, because when you're Esmailin, the whole world esmailes with you.

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Kevin Millar. Or as he used to be known by guys named Sully, MILLAHHHHHH!

Spring standout: Youngster Tyler Colvin, who's not only batting .468, but is also not a pitcher, so he can't have a Kerry Wood/Mark Prior-style flameout.

Probable Opening Day starter: Carlos Zambrano, provided he doesn't get into a scrape with a Gatorade cooler first.

Biggest question for 2010: In what ways will the fates cruelly toy with this team this season?

Advantage to start the season: Arctic conditions will adversely affect visiting teams who have not brought their own Sherpas.

Semi-serious assessment: Only the total shitshow that was the 2009 Mets prevented the Cubs from being the most disappointing team in baseball last season. I would expect them to improve, but they're also relying on a number of players who've been hurt off and on the past few seasons (Zambrano, Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez). I could see the Cubs finishing anywhere on the continuum of success. Except winning the World Series, of course. That will never, ever happen. Ever.
Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL Central.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL West

By scratchbomb on March 29, 2010 9:35 AM | No Comments
Thumbnail image for dbacks2.jpgARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2009 record: 70-92

Local weather: Ball-meltingly hot

Namesake: Venemous rattlesnake responsible for the majority of fatal snakebites in northern Mexico, thus explaining why the Diamondbacks are Lou Dobbs' favorite team.

Do they really play for the entire state of Arizona?: Yes, except for small pockets of Tempe. They know why.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Raising Arizona. Cease and desist letters from the Coen Brothers have proven ineffective.

Best name on 40-man roster: Clay Zavada (also owner of best mustache on team)

The That Guy's on This Team? Award: Billy Buckner. Not the former Dodgers/Cubs/Red Sox first baseman, but a young relief pitcher. Still, you'd think teams would shy away from anyone named Billy Buckner.

Spring standout: Justin Upton, whose .324 batting average and 16 RBIs are an obvious attempt to shame his brother B.J.

Probable Opening Day starter: Dan Haren, whose hitched delivery is almost as confounding as his facial hair.

Biggest question for 2010: Will their talented core of young players once again prove woefully outmatched, or merely disappointing?

Advantage to start the season: Close proximity of spring training facility removes the disorienting effects of jet lag.

Semi-serious assessment: The Diamondbacks lineup is full of stars, near stars, or should-be stars like Upton, Stephen Drew, and Mark Reynolds (all of them born in years I actually remember, which depresses the shit out of me). But their rotation is Haren and not much else until Brandon Webb comes back from shoulder surgery. They'll score a lot of runs, but they'll give a lot up, too, especially in their home park. Even in a relatively weak division, I don't see how they finish much better than .500 this year.

Continue reading Scratchbomb's Thoroughly Compromised
2010 MLB Preview: NL West.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Reminder: You Make the Call!

By scratchbomb on March 26, 2010 3:41 PM | No Comments
Last week, I posted a question to the general public about what baseball-related horrible waste of time I should work on this upcoming season. And the response has been underwhelming! Thus far, The Parallel Universe Fake Mets have the lead, but I'd like to get a few more responses so that we're not forsaken by the trickery of small sample sizes. So please, vote! Your influence counts! Use it! (Thanks, Bob Grant.)

To recap, here are your choices:

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: I will do a season for the Mets in either MLB10:The Show or Stratomatic (or both), contrasting it with what the actual Mets do on the field this year.

The 2000 Project: A lesser sequel to The 1999 Project. I've always theorized that 2000 was a far inferior season to 1999, but this project would attempt to challenge those prejudices.

You can also choose Both or Neither (I beg you, please don't chose Both). Get to votin'!

QuestionsView Results

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Mets Fanwalk of Shame

By scratchbomb on March 26, 2010 9:31 AM | No Comments
Mets management has, amazingly, heard and heeded some complaints from fans. Responding to a lack of Met-itude at CitiField, the team is working on a number of enhancements to give the new stadium more of a personality and sense of history. In addition to finally establishing a physical location for a Mets Hall of Fame, they're also spiffing up the park's exterior with banners and murals of Mets greats of the past.

Best of all, they've enhanced the already great Fan Walk with commemorative plaques, each of which feature a famous moment in Mets history that happened at the now-demolished Shea Stadium. Pics of these circulated on various blogs earlier this week, and they made me regret my decision to not buy a Fan Walk brick even more than I already did (my financial inability to do so notwithstanding).

But just like matter itself, the Mets' stupidity can neither be created nor destroyed. So when they actually manage to get something right and do something cool, it has to be countered by something dumb and ham-fisted, In this case, it's an easily fixable error in the plaque dedicated to the Mets' thrilling, come-from-behind win in game 7 of the 1986 World Series (first pointed out by Mets Police, which also gave us the awesome pics linked above).

orosco.jpgIf you read the text, you'll see the last sentence of the synopsis says "Sid Fernandez earned the win with exceptional relief work". El Sid did relieve Ron Darling in that game, and his 2 1/3 hitless innings were arguably the biggest reason the Mets were able to rally from an early 3-0 deficit in that game. However, Fernandez did not technically earn the win--Roger McDowell did.

An easy mistake to make? Sure, but also an easy mistake to correct. Two minutes of research could've prevented this from ever being cast in bronze. It's not like the Mets have so many world championships whose details need to be fact checked.

But sadly, that's not the only mistake on these plaques. Just take a look at these completely un-Photoshopped examples of other plaque oopsies!

blackcat.jpg
ventura_gs.jpg
endy.jpg

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

You Make the Call!

By scratchbomb on March 15, 2010 1:14 PM | No Comments
vote.jpgI've been playing around with a few ideas for site features during the upcoming bases-ball season. Rather than pick one without any input like a fascist, I thought I should let you, the reader, choose, or at the very least influence my choice.

The first thought I had was to do a parallel, alternate reality season for the Mets. With Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes already sidelined for god knows how long, things ain't looking to good for the team already. But anything is possible once you use your imagination! So I would simulate the season one game at a time, in MLB10:The Show (which I just purchased) or the less high-tech option, Stratomatic. Or both. The video game version could be accompanied by screenshots of moments of triumph and tragedy--contrasted, of course, by whatever actually happened to the Mets that day.

But I've also given some thought to doing a 10-year retrospective on the 2000 season, as I did last year with 1999. I'm already on record (many times) in my belief that 2000 was vastly inferior to 1999, but I'm also willing to consider that I'm totally wrong. Maybe in re-examining that season, I'll discover that it had charms that my fetishizing of 1999 have glossed over. Plus, The 1999 Project got a lot of good response, and I am nothing if not a crowdpleaser. I play to the rafters!

So folks, I need you to help me choose. Should I go for Alternate Reality Season, or The 2000 Project? Vote below to make your voice heard. Your input is needed immediately! Nothing, not even the Census, is so important!

QuestionsView Results

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Jose Reyes' Underwater Diet

By scratchbomb on March 12, 2010 9:58 AM | No Comments
doctor.jpgWell, Jose, the good news is your hyperthyroidism is treatable. The bad news is you need to rest for at least a few weeks until your elevated thyroid levels start to go down. You'll also need to make a few changes to your diet. Have you been eating a lot of fish lately?
reyes2.jpgYeah, I have, now that you mention it.
doctor.jpgTake me a through a typical day, meal-wise. What do you have for breakfast?
reyes2.jpgUsually, a caviar omelet.
doctor.jpgI've never even heard of that. What do you do, add caviar to scrambled eggs?
reyes2.jpgNo, the caviar is the base. I crack the fish eggs and fry em up in a pan. Sometimes I throw a few prawns in there, too.
doctor.jpgWow. How do you crack caviar?
reyes2.jpgVery precisely.
Continue reading Jose Reyes' Underwater Diet.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Six Degrees of Slanderous Separation with Mike Lupica

By scratchbomb on March 8, 2010 9:12 AM | No Comments
lupica2.jpgDespite being jaded and cynical about The Ways of the World, I still manage to surprise myself with my naive ability to be appalled. This happened on Sunday as I read Mike Lupica's rambling, borderline slanderous column in the Daily News about Jose Reyes. In it, he puts a bunch of dots on the same page as "Reyes", "hyperthyroid issue", and "HGH", expecting you to connect the three without ever explicitly saying so.

It was a Fox News-ian tactic: say an extremely controversial thing that will play well with your core audience, but say it in such a way that allows you to deny (technically) saying it when the other side gets its feathers ruffled. Except that in the world of sports "journalism", you can write such things and not face any consequences for actions that would result in censure in virtually any other arm of the fourth estate.

Here's a few choice quotes designed to sow doubt in readers' minds:

Reyes says he told the feds he didn't get human growth hormone from a Canadian doctor named Tony Galea, often regarded as a patron saint of HGH.

Yes, I remember when the Pope officially canonized him as such last year. Galea is under investigation for HGH distribution, but I don't think that makes him the "patron saint" of the shadowy substance any more than I'm the patron saint of Cheez-Its because I can't stop eating them. (Though I would totally accept the position were it offered to me, or existed.)

[J]ust because Reyes now has a problem with his thyroid gland, and is in New York City for sophisticated testing on it, does not mean those problems were caused by any kind of synthetic drug in his system.

Although the tone of my article, and this snotty sentence, indicates I totally believe they were.

Nobody should be surprised that people are looking to draw a line from Galea to what showed up in Reyes' blood tests.

I'm not surprised that people make such assumptions in blog comment sections or on sports radio. This morning, I heard the douchetacular Craig Carton scream at a doctor who dared suggest there wasn't enough evidence to make this logical leap. But I am surprised that such accusations--which have no shred of evidence to support them--are given credence in a major newspaper like the Daily News. 

Is there a way human growth hormone could have contributed to Reyes' thyroid problems? There are doctors who think so. Would they ever say HGH definitely caused Reyes' problems? No, they would not.

No, they would not say that because diagnosing a person you've never treated and revealing that diagnosis publicly would be a total violation of everything you learn from day one in medical school.

"Good medicine is about eliminating possible causes," Dr. Lewis Maharam - a doctor of sports medicine who has made sense about performance-enhancing drugs for years - said yesterday. "It's about differentials, making a list of possibilities and then eliminating them one by one. But there is a possibility that human growth hormone could cause a spike of thyroid hormone levels."

There's also a possibility that it could give you the ability to fly or learn ancient Sanskrit or grow  an extra set of arms. These things are all highly unlikely, but there's no reason to think they're impossible, right?

The negative side effects of HGH use aren't well known, because HGH isn't legitimately prescribed often, and most of its use is confined to the murky underworld of performance enhancing drugs, where users are reluctant to participate in clinical trials. So hell, why not say it could cause your hands to turn into saltines? You can't definitively say it doesn't do that, can you? I rest my case.

Also, Dr. Maharam "has made sense about performance-enhancing drugs for years"--I didn't know you could specialize in Making Sense. Is that a lucrative practice? Is it any more lucrative than badgering Tiger Woods, which he also seems to specialize in?

Lupica closes out his piece by unfavorably comparing Reyes to Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter. He notes that Reyes played only 36 games last year and Jeter has never played fewer than 119. He fails to mention that Rollins had a terrible year last season. He also doesn't mention that from 2005 through 2008, Reyes played at least 153 games every year, and played 160 games twice (something Captain Intangibles has never done). Because all of these facts would not jive with the well-established narrative of Jose Reyes as malingerer and malcontent and--now added to the pile--drug cheater.

I don't think Lupica has anything against Reyes, necessarily. This is not an attempt to railroad him so much as it is an attempt to stir up controversy and sell some more papers/get some more page hits (which I am indirectly contributing to, I suppose). And in the grand scheme of things, writing a shitty, wildly speculative column on Reyes is pretty low on Lupica's list of offenses.

For instance, he was directly responsible for driving Mark Kriegel and Lisa Olson away from the Daily News, all of them for petty personal reasons. He loves to insert himself into the news as much as possible, as he did during last year's U.S. Open. He is, by multiple accounts, a miserable prick who lives to throw his weight around.

He's risen to the heights of the sportswriting world, yet is still apparently haunted by jealousy and a fear of being outshone. What could possibly cause a man to behave in such a manner? I have no idea what personal demons Lupica may have within him, but I don't think you can eliminate HGH use from the equation.

I have absolutely no evidence that Lupica has used HGH. And I also have absolutely no idea if HGH could even cause such emotional neediness. But I don't have any evidence to refute these things either, do I? Lupica painted Reyes guilty by association on evidence just as flimsy, so I see no reason why I can't do the same.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Sean from Massapequa: Reyes Some Concern

By scratchbomb on March 5, 2010 3:15 PM | No Comments
Today, Sean from Massapequa graces us with his presence to discuss Jose Reyes' sudden medical woes. He told me he preferred to address the audience directly, unlike previous posts where we had a dialogue. So without further delay, here's Sean.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgThey say Jose Reyes has got a thyroid problem. Yeah, and I'm the mayor of Five Towns.

I'm not, just so you know. There is no mayor of Five Towns, cuz it ain't an actual town. Just like Reyes ain't actually hurt. We all know this guy fakes injuries, like he did last year so's he could take more salsa lessons.

How do I know that? Ask yourself this: Has he ever denied it? I rest my case.

There ain't no such thing as a thyroid. You ever seen one? I didn't think so. A thyroid is one a them things doctors make up so's they can prescribe you expensive medication. Like ADD, or your appendix. It's all just a scam. They say you got some disease, charge your insurance for the pills or cream or whatever, and you get some workman's comp cuz you got sick on the job somehow. That's what they call The Circle of Scam.

You get to be my age, you see the shit I seen, you realize everything's a scam. Congress. Santa Claus. The Pope. Cold fusion. The Post Office. All scams. Makes me sick just thinkin about it.

Listen: you go to the right doctor, you can get him to say you got anything. Anything. And if you go to the really right doctor, you can get him to write you a scrip for anything. Speakin a which, if you need that type a doctor, lemme know. I might know a guy. Just sayin.

Take my buddy Joe, f'rinstance. Works for the Parks Department supervising landscaping work. Easiest job in the world. Guy works like 15 hours a week, and half that time is replacing the string in the weedwhackers. Of course, Joe had to get greedy and try and get disability. So he goes to this one doctor I know in Fresh Meadows, doctor "diagnoses" him with "lawnmower lung".

reyes_st_2010.jpgThe City said there was no such thing, but Joe threatened to squeal about the no-bid Soilmaster contract, so they gave him what he wanted. Now the guy collects a paycheck while sittin in a hammock all year. Even in the winter, two feet a snow on the ground. Guy loves his hammock.

I bet that's where Reyes is right now, swingin in his hammock, sippin a lemonade. I bust my hump on the job three days a week, and all I wanna do is watch some spring training baseball in the middle of my five day weekend. Now that's all ruined cuz Reyes don't wanna do spring training drills. Life ain't fair.

Look, Reyes, just get your ass on the field and all is forgiven. I need you back on the diamond so's I can scream horrible things atcha every time you don't hit a triple.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Stellar Research of New York's Number 1

By scratchbomb on March 2, 2010 9:11 AM | No Comments
fran1.jpgWelcome bu-HACK to The Mike Francesa Program, New York's Number 1, coming to you live from Port St. Lucie, where spring training has begin. The period called spring training is upon us. The time of year generally referred to by most baseball fans as spring training is here. Something has started to occur down here in Florida, and that thing I'm referring to is spring training. I'm at Mets camp, where apparently they're preparing for the upcoming season, rather than throwing in the towel by Opening Day as I suggested. My first guest on the program is a fifth starter candidate and a promising young pitcher, Jon Niese.
niese.jpgThanks for having me on the show, Mike.
fran1.jpgLet me ask you a question, Jon. Didn't you have some sort of injury or something last year?
niese.jpgUm, yeah, I did. Tore a hamstring pretty bad. Couldn't you have just looked that up before the interview?
fran1.jpgWhere would I have looked it up, the internet? I don't trust those calculator things. They got viruses and cookies in 'em. Now, let me ask you something else: Are you a lefty or a righty?
niese.jpgI'm a lefty. Any other questions you want to ask me that could've been answered by the back of my baseball card?
fran1.jpgYes, as a matter of fact. With Damon and Matsui gone, do you think the Yankee lineup will be as explosive as it was last year? How do you think Granderson's gonna do in his first year in pinstripes?
niese.jpgTo be honest, I haven't given the Yankees' question marks much thought, since they won the World Series last year and I don't play for them. I've been concentrating on breaking into the starting rotation and recovering from a horrific injury.
fran1.jpgDon't get testy with me, young man. This is how it works, son. I'm the number one host on the Mets' flagship radio station, and I'm here in Port St. Lucie visiting your team. Of course I have to talk about the Yankees!
niese.jpgYou do that. I gotta go stand over here for a while
/leaves
Continue reading The Stellar Research of New York's Number 1.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Remembrance of Promos Past

By scratchbomb on February 24, 2010 9:41 AM | No Comments
Though no pitches have been thrown in anger just yet, players are in spring training camps, and that excites me. Jose Reyes is running the bases, Johan Santana is throwing bullpen sessions, and Ollie Perez has managed to eat lunch every day without hurting himself. I haven't seen footage of any of these things, but I know they are happening, and that knowledge soothes me.

But I got genuinely excited over something I saw yesterday. Matthew Cerrone at Metsblog posted this pic snapped at Port St. Lucie.

mets_rccola_bag.jpgWhat is that? Why it's a stadium giveaway duffel bag, clearly sponsored by RC Cola, dating to the late 80s-early 90s. The sight of this thing was nigh Proustian in the memories it dredged up. But not of actually using the bag. Just of seeing ads for BAG NIGHT! at Shea, then seeing said bag used by classmates and townfolk for the next few years. It gave me the same feeling I get when I watch old commercials, and have phrases I haven't thought of in years ring tiny little bells in my brain.

I wanted this to be a springboard for a post on other Shea Stadium giveaways from the same era, but sadly, the interweb information on such things is rather poor. You'd think some maniac out there would have compiled a site dedicated just to this, but you'd think wrong.

But there is some web-based evidence of RC Cola's role in Mets history. The soda had a long, intermittent association with the team dating back to its earliest days. This was back when Shea had more small-time sponsors like Rheingold Beer and local Plymouth dealerships.

Oddly enough, they seem to have returned to this route at CitiField, where you now see ads for things like Arpielle Equipment, cash-for-gold web sites, and other second-tier businesses. Which seems kind of creepy and shady, now that I think about it.

It was a fitting partnership. RC Cola was always the shameful bronze to the gold and silver of Coke and Pepsi, while the Mets were the brand new "upstart" team in town. RC even tried to play up this connection, as you'll see in this ad from the 1960s. A shapely young lady poses with an RC Cola in front of Shea Stadium, though the facility can barely be discerned behind her, or the giant fountain which must have once been somewhere near it (or the Worlds Fairgrounds, or the designer's imagination). I get the destinct impression that baseball was not the focus of this ad.

mets_rccola_69.jpgOther than the duffel bag, the RC Cola promo I remember the most were these commemorative cans following the Mets' 1986 World Series victory. Decorated in a gloriously 80s design scheme, these cans declared to the world, "I know how to jump on a bandwagon as I drink."

mets_rccola_can2.jpgRC Cola's association with the Mets continued into the 2000s, but ended by the time the last days of Shea rolled around (hence the Pepsi Porch at their new ballpark). I would lament this fact, but considering RC Cola is now owned by Cadbury Schweppes, they're not exactly a mom and pop outfit, either.

Plus, I don't wanna be one of those people who complains about the merits of essentially interchangeable junk food brands. The Wife and I once snagged fantastic seats for a Mets game, and sat next to a guy who wouldn't shut up all night about how he hated it when Shea stopped serving Kahn's hot dogs. I was too nice to tell the guy to leave me alone, plus he seemed like he might be borderline autistic.But my point is, if you can help it, don't be that guy. Nostalgia's great, being trapped in the past isn't.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

2010 Mets: No Matter Who Wins, We Lose

By scratchbomb on February 19, 2010 2:16 PM | No Comments
I promise/hope this will be my last serious post on baseball for the season. Because funny ha-ha pieces are much better for this site, I think. And my soul.

santana_st_2010.jpgEarlier today, I saw a fellow Mets fan tweet that the Vegas over/under for Mets wins this year is 89. The only NL team with a higher line is the Phillies, who are set at 89.5, and the next highest is the Diamondbacks, with 85.5.

Upon reading this, my first reaction was excitement. I'd sign up for 89 wins right now (as Mad Dog Russo often said; he may still say it, but nobody listens to him anymore). Of course, when Vegas sets lines, they do so to stir up action. That's why they release MLB over/under lines the week when spring training begins, hoping to capitalize on fan excitement.

Setting the Mets at 89 means Vegas believes one of two things: (1) they hope the team isn't that good, but the surprisingly high number of 89 will excite gullible, optimistic fans to bet the over; or (2) they think the team might win even more games, but hope enough people will remember the stumbling, bumbling Mets from last year and bet the under.

My own experience, plus the events of recent seasons, told me that Mets fans are a pessimistic bunch. Ironically, this led me to believe that option (2) was more likely than (1), which in turn got me excited like the dumb, dumb man that I am.

And then I thought to myself, Do I even want the Mets to have a good year? Could that be the worst thing possible for them, in the long term?
Continue reading 2010 Mets: No Matter Who Wins, We Lose.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Yankees Begin Hell Week in Florida

By scratchbomb on February 18, 2010 12:45 PM | No Comments
girardi2.jpgTAMPA--Pitchers and catchers have reported to the Yankees' spring training facility, an annual tradition known affectionately as Hell Week. Prospects and new acquisitions alike report bright and early to endure the humiliation necessary to join America's most storied franchise.

"Drop and gimme 50, pussy!" growled manager Joe Girardi as he caught sight of new Yankee Curtis Granderson. The outfielder did as he was told, while also downing a Jagermeister shot after each rep.

"This team isn't just about partying, okay?" Girardi told reporters as he popped the collar to his brand new Ed Hardy-designed uniform. "It's about leadership, brotherhood, dedication. And I won't have a buncha homos messing all that shit up."

Girardi then instructed young catcher Jesus Montero to finish off a bottle of Goldschlager, followed by three laps around the diamond while balancing a rake on his head.

"That's what makes the Yankees so great, traditions like this," said team captain Derek Jeter. "I remember when I came up in 1996, Cecil Fielder told me I had to eat an entire package of hot dog rolls and chug a six-pack of Bud in five minutes or else clean his toilet with my tongue. I, um, I could only get down seven rolls."

"Winning is a habit, losing is a disease," said Girardi, as he gave a wedgie to beat reporter Tyler Kepner. "How do you vaccinate yourself against losing? By WINNING. That's why I changed my number. It used to be 27, but we won our 27th championship last year. So now I'm number 347. Because that's how many World Series trophies we're gonna win. This year.

"And anyone who says that's impossible, I say you better shut yer dick-suckin fairy holes and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Because I create winners here, not gay-queers."

The Hell Week tradition has been in place since spring training of 1956, when Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, and Billy Martin forced all newcomers to drink their weight in Old Smuggler. But it has come under fire in recent years, particularly in 2004, when a hazing ritual rendered new Yankee Alex Rodriguez blind for much of the season and subsequent playoffs.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Omar Minaya Totally Spaced on the Offseason

By scratchbomb on February 18, 2010 9:01 AM | No Comments
omar2.jpgIs somebody honking outside? Jesus, it's 7 in the morning. Oh, that's right, I gotta go to Florida today. That must be the cab to the airport. Well, better quick throw some stuff in the suitcase. T-shirts, undies, a couple button downs to hit the clubs in. What the hell, guess I'll bring my glove in case anyone wants to play catch...

FUCK! I FORGOT TO GET A PITCHER! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

God, I got this assignment before winter break even started, and now it's already over! Where the hell did all the time go? There was Thanksgiving and Christmas and then I went on the ski trip to Canada to pick up Jason Bay, and then I got Bioshock 2, and the next thing I know, it's springtime and JESUS H. FUCK, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?!

Hey, ma? Do we have any pitchers left over in the garage?

Are you sure?

Ma, Steve Trachsel doesn't count! Fine, maybe I WILL look for one myself!

Fuck, it's too late to find a pitcher now. WHAT DO I DO?!! I'M SUPER CRAZY FUCKED! I'M TOTALLY GONNA FAIL MY GENERAL MANAGER CLASS!

Alright, Omar, calm down. Just think this through. Maybe you don't need another pitcher. You have Santana, and he's money in the bank. John Maine looked good when he came back from injury last year; maybe he'll finally be healthy. Yeah, and maybe Mike Pelfrey will bounce back. And maybe Oliver Perez will...fuck...maybe he won't fall into an open manhole. And we have some decent options for fifth starter. Yeah, we could make this [pitching staff work, with a solid infield behind it...

FUCK! I FORGOT TO GET A RIGHT SIDE OF THE INFIELD! FUCK BALLS ASS COCK FUCK!

Chill, Omar, chill! Catch your breath! Luis Castillo had a good year last year. Sure, he can barely hit the ball out of the infield, but he could be a good #2 hitter behind Reyes. And Dan Murphy...well, it's too soon to write off a guy like that, right? Dude definitely works hard. And who knows? If he doesn't work out, maybe Mike Jacobs or Chris Carter does. Or maybe Ike Davis forces his way onto the major league roster. Weirder things have happened.

Okay, it's not the prettiest looking team, but if pick up some oaktag and scotch tape at the airport, I might be able to slap the whole thing together in time for spring training. Yeah, we can score some runs, and field the ball, and if we can get the ball to K-Rod...

OH, FUCK MY COCK!!

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Omar's Reminder

By scratchbomb on January 27, 2010 9:25 AM | No Comments
omar2.jpgI've had this string on my index finger for so long now, I can't remember when I put it on! In fact, I even forgot it was there until this morning, and I saw it in the mirror while I was shaving. Weird, huh? For the life of me, I can't remember what it's supposed to remind me of. Let me think, let me think...

I think I put this string on right after the season ended. So maybe this was supposed to tell me to do something for the team. Was it to remind me to bid against myself for a slugging outfielder? Nope, did that.

Was it to overpay for a bunch of spare parts? No, I took care of that.

Was it to trade for a terrible fifth outfielder we didn't need? No, I just wrapped that up.

It was something like...switcher? Was I supposed to switch something? No, it just sounded like switcher. But there's no other word that sounds like switcher, right? Maybe it just sort of sounds like it. Nick Swisher? James Michener? David Fincher?

This is getting me nowhere. Boy, I'm thirsty. I could use a cool drink. Say, Darlene? Could you bring in some water when you have a chance? Like, a lot of it. A whole pitcher, if you can. On second thought, make it two pitchers. I could use two solid pitchers.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was trying to remember what this string was supposed to remind me of. Ugh, this is gonna bug me all day.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Peter Gammons, The Red Sox, and Their Wonderful Machine

By scratchbomb on January 20, 2010 11:31 AM | No Comments
gammons.jpgNow that Jason Bay has signed with the Mets, I can report that the Red Sox were never really interested in him. You see, Boston gave him an MRI midway through last season and discovered he had some knee issues, thus rendering him useless as a cog in the Sox's grand scheme.

Why didn't the Mets' doctors see the same issues when they examined him? Because they couldn't have, and neither could any other team. You see, the Red Sox are at the cutting edge of all aspects of the game: scouting, sabremetrics, proper allocation of resources, and medical equipment. They have a state-of-the-art MRI machine that can not only diagnose ligament and deep-tissue injuries in split seconds, but can also cause them!

But this machine doesn't cause injuries immediately. It implants a special subcutaneous chip that resonates to a very special frequency that only the Sox's MRI machine can emit. If the Sox sign a player after examining him, they remove the chip. If not, they emit the frequency and cause maximum damage.

In the case of Jason Bay, the Sox plan to be as benevolent as possible. They will not evoke their right to destroy his knees by mysterious remote waves before the first 18 months of his current contract. After that, all bets are off. The Sox also won't say whether they will simply cause Bay's ACL and MCL to deteriorate slowly, or if they will make all three knee ligaments blow out simultaneously and catastrophically.

As for other players the Sox have examined but not signed, they would not say how or when they would be crippled. However, it is highly suspected that if Jon Lackey hadn't gone with Boston, they would have given him a torn labrum, and possibly mad cow disease.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

Red Sox Nation Dooms Us to Idiocracy

By scratchbomb on January 20, 2010 10:06 AM | No Comments
scottbrown.jpgRepublican Scott Brown has triumphed in the Massachusetts Senate race, and Democrat Martha Coakley has failed. Among many factors in Coakley's defeat was her Red Sox-related gaffe last week, when she erroneously identified Curt Schilling as a Yankees fan. In the Bay State, where the Sawx are held much more sacred than any other institution, that was a huge mistake.

I don't know if anyone's choice of candidate was actually influenced by this specific misstep. By all accounts, she ran a spectacularly inept campaign. The Schilling goof was simply indicative of the laziness she exhibited throughout her Senate run, which was actually more of a sleepwalk.

But if anyone, in all seriousness, did not vote for her because she didn't know enough about the Red Sox, go get hit by garbage truck. And then catch on fire. And then get hit by a garbage truck on fire. I hate you so god damn much right now.

What's more important, folks: the fact that your Senator knows all about The Bloody Sock, or the fact that your Senator will send a death knell to any hope of reform and change for at least the next two years?

I love the Mets. I think about them and write about them and worry about them way beyond the point I should for something that has no direct bearing on my happiness and well being. One of the big reasons I've never liked Rudy Giuliani is because he's the epitome of the obnoxious, blowhard Yankee fan (being a crypto-fascist made it easy to hate him, too).

However, if there was a candidate who was exactly the same as Rudy in his fandom but the exact opposite politically, versus a guy who was a diehard Mets fan but Giuliani-esque in his world view, I'd vote for the Yankee fan in a second. BECAUSE SPORTS ARE DUMB GAMES AND POLITICS CAN FUCK YOUR LIFE UP FOR DECADES.

If nothing else, hopefully this incident wakes lefties out of the torpor that's set on them in record time. Yes, Obama hasn't done everything we wanted. Yes, he has been slow to act in certain respects (most infuriatingly, on gay rights). Yes, even before Brown's election, the health care reform bill was less than ideal. Yes, there are still mounds of problems in this country that have yet to even plateau.

But if I may return to baseball for a minute, you almost have to think of Obama in 2010 as Jackie Robinson in 1947. There are too many people for whom the mere idea of a black man being in the national spotlight is too much to bear. Obama can't be as aggressive or fiery as some people would like, because there's too many people waiting for him to lose his temper, do something rash, and fail his way out of the Oval Office.

Like when Joe Wilson yelled LIAR at him during a Congressional address. Why did Wilson do that--because he's a nut? Yes, but also because he hoped Obama would fly off the handle and yell at him, thus alienating half the country ready to think of him as a Scary Black Man. So even though Wilson thoroughly deserved to be punched in the mouth, Obama kept his cool because that was ultimately more important than the immediate desire for retribution.

Obama needs to weather the storm of his first few years and prove to The Haters that he knows what he's doing and that him being in power isn't the nightmare they think it is (or want it to be). It's totally unfair, but it wouldn't be the first time a black man had to work harder than his white counterparts just gain some respect. And after this "trial period", like Robinson, he can start fighting back against the Ben Chapmans of the world and slide in spikes up.

Ask yourself this: Looking at the Sarah Palins and the Glenn Becks and the Bill O'Reillys (a fascist Mets fan) of the world--who are clearly at the vanguard of the Republican party--do you really think there's no difference between Dems and the GOP? I'm not the biggest fan of the two-party system. But for right now, today, what's our best hope for rising out of the shit eight years of Bush dumped us in--Obama's slower-than-you'd-like agenda, or the Republicans' obstructionist paleoconservative nihilistic non-agenda?

Thumbnail image for 99_ventura_schilling.pngOh, and Curt Schilling? Go get fucked sideways with rusty rake.

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook
  • Facebook
  • Add this post to Reddit

The Buck Stops Just Before Omar

By scratchbomb on January 15, 2010 9:31 AM | No Comments
beltran.jpgHey Omar, can we talk?
minaya.jpgSure thing, Carlos. How's that knee?
beltran.jpgThat's what I want to talk to you about. I spoke to you about this surgery earlier this week, and I thought everything was cool.
minaya.jpgYeah, definitely, sounds like something I'd say.
beltran.jpgBut today, your assistant GM made it sound as if I went behind your back to do this. What the fuck?! If you had some problem with how this went down, why didn't we just handle it internally? Why did you go after me in public, by proxy, and make me and everyone else on this team look bad?
minaya.jpgI didn't go after you, Carlos, my assistant GM did. But it's clear that somebody pulled a real choke job here on the whole communication thing, and we'll take care of that ASAP. Right after we work out that 7-year extension for Bengie Molina.
beltran.jpgYou're responsible for this whole mess! Why are you talking like it's somebody else's fault?!
minaya.jpgCarlos, you've never been in charge of a multimillion-dollar operation...
beltran.jpgI am a multimillion-dollar operation...
minaya.jpg...so you don't understand how this works. I am not responsible for the Mets. I am in charge of the Mets. Being in charge is not the same thing as being responsible.
beltran.jpgYou're right, I don't understand.
minaya.jpgYou see, people who are responsible are held responsible for their actions. If I were responsible for things, I would've been fired a long time ago. Remember that time we assed away a postseason berth in the last month of the season?
beltran.jpgYeah, that happened two years in a row.
minaya.jpgReally? I have no memory of it happening two times. Then again, there was that one season where I took a lot of naps. You see, Carlos, only schmucks are responsible for things. Men are in charge. Men lead. They lead by standing there, immobile, staring straight ahead while their ship runs aground.
beltran.jpgHow do you get to be in charge?
minaya.jpgYou thrust yourself ahead blindly, like a bull in a china shop, barreling all your competitors out of your path. Other guys in charge will admire your spunk and grit and determination, and they won't care that you have no idea what you're doing, because they don't know what they're doing either, and they're afraid to have anyone too smart or principled around them to make them look bad in comparison.
beltran.jpgWell, unlike you, my job is based on performance. In the big leagues, you can't fail upwards and hope to be rewarded.
minaya.jpgYou can't? I assume you've met Oliver Perez.
ollie.jpgDID SUMBODEE TAKE MY FUNYUNS BECUZ I CAN'T FIND THEMM

Categories:

Tags:

Share With the World (You Selfish Jerk)!

  • Digg it!
  • Add to Del.Icio.Us
  • Add to Technorati
  • NewsVine
  • YahooMyWeb
  • MySpace
  • Facebook