All posts by Matthew Callan

Religium

Church Leader Appreciates Timing of Rapture

rapture.jpgBAKERSFIELD, CA–The controversial minister of an evangelical church, who predicts The Rapture will occur this year, says this celestial event “couldn’t have come at a better time.”

“Our world has earned its own destruction by turning its back on our lord and savior,” said Rev. Jebediah Montrose, leader Eternal Life Forever Ministries. “And I also appreciate the Almighty bringing about this destruction when I’ve just begun to realize my own mortality.”

Using a unique interpretation of Biblical prophecy, Rev. Montrose determined that on September 19, 2011, the righteous will ascend to heaven while sinners will remain on Earth. “Which, as it turns out, is the exact point at which my own earthly life would reach its apex, after which my body and mind would begin their steady decline towards death.”

The reverend said he first began to suspect the world would end soon “when I noticed my bald spot had grown to such Leviathan proportions that it required a comb over. Who would want to live in such world. Oh, and the sin. All the sin, too.”

“God has condemned us for our wicked ways,” he said. “The day will come when all sinners will weep and gnash their teeth, knowing their blasphemy has condemned them to eternal damnation. The day will also come when I’ll be doddering around like an old man, unable to control my bodily functions, and praying for the sweet release of death. But thank the Lord He has chosen to end this wicked world before that day comes!”

Montrose said he determined The Rapture would begin on such a specific date “once I figured out how many good years I really have left, and saw there wouldn’t be many. I studied the prophecies of Ezekiel and The Book of Revelation, and calculated that if Armageddon didn’t begin soon, I might not be around to see it. I don’t think God would allow such insanity.”

The reverend’s predictions have spurred widespread condemnation, even among fellow evangelicals. “That this man would proclaim God has ordained a specific time for the end of the world is extremely upsetting,” said Leroy Jenkins, president of Praiseways Baptist Ministries. “Especially since I’d like to think I have a good decade left in me, at least. I believe I have a special relationship with God, earned through service and prayer, and He has assured me that this world shall not end at least until I purchase my first boat.”

Jenkins pointed out that Montrose had previously predicted The Rapture would occur during 1995. “I fully admit my error,” Montrose responded. “My calculations were incorrect and not thoroughly checked. And also, I was going through some stuff at the time, and I thought ascending into heaven would’ve really taken care of a few things.”

“God does not bow to our earthly dictates. He shall act in the hour and the manner of his choosing. But I am truly grateful He has chosen to act at the most convenient possible time for me.”

Amazin Avenue

Endeavors Elsewhere: The Mets Killers Team

Thumbnail image for 99_chipper_reed.pngAs I alluded to in my Happy New Year post, I will be contributing to this year’s Amazin Avenue Annual. I enjoyed it as a consumer last year, and I’m really excited to be working on it this year, when it will be a physical book in real, non-imaginary stores. (eBook version will be available as well, or so I’m told; more details will follow as soon as I know what’s what.)

One of the things I’m working on is a piece on a hypothetical team comprised solely of Mets Killers–often (but not always) the kind of players transform from mediocre to Hall-of-Fame level when playing the Mets. I’m polling readers position-by-position* to see who has inflicted the most pain upon the psyche of the fan. The idea is to react to the question in a completely emotional, irrational way, without looking up stats to see if your choice has actually enjoyed great success against the Mets.

* Except for third base, because we all know who’d win that race. Hint: he’s standing to your left right now.

My first poll, for shortstop, is up right now. Early polling indicates Jimmy Rollins is the most Mets murderous man among mshortstops.* Agree? Disagree? If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.**

* The m is silent
** Completely untrue

Baseball, Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Skitch vs. The Fact Zealots

Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know Skitch as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may have read his best-selling book Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry: How Winning Lots of Football Games Made Them Good Human Beings. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Mouth-Talkers! You can follow Skitch on Twitter here. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

blyleven.jpgEver since I published my Hall of Fame column last week, I’ve been getting tons of email, and I’m heartened to know that many of you support my decision to keep the likes of Jeff Bagwell and Bert Blyleven out of Coopersville. However, many more of you disagree. About seven times as many, according to my math. Granted, math was never my strong suit in school. Same goes for science. And English. And shop class. And homeroom.

First of all, I want to apologize if I’ve been slow to respond to your letters. Back in 2005, while checking my work email, I clicked something bad or pressed the wrong key, and it caused a server meltdown at my newspaper. And when I say “meltdown,” I mean that the paper’s servers literally liquified themselves. The IT guys said they’d never seen anything like it. Several of them wept openly.

After that, my boss has tasked one intern with printing out all of my email and reading it out loud to me. I tried to convince my editor that I could read a printout all by myself, but he didn’t want to take any chances. I also told him that doing this every day would leave me a lot less time to write, and he said he was perfectly fine with this.

For the last few days, I’ve had to sit in my office while a 19-year-old college student recites extremely insulting emails. Needless to say, this made me very uncomfortable. Not so much for myself, but for the delicate sensibilities of the young man doing the recitation. Some of the language you people used was so vile, it almost caused him to retch. At first I thought he might be covering up laughter, but the intern assured me he was merely trying to contain his nausea.
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