All posts by Matthew Callan

Politics Schmolitics

The Quantum World of Sarah Palin

quantumpalin.jpgI have to say, again, I don’t understand how anyone could think that my words could incite anyone to violence. And anyone who uses words to suggest otherwise is just going to incite violence.

How could my words have no effect while others’ have enormous impact? Perhaps you think that makes no sense, and you’d be right–in your world. But where I live, there is no such thing as contradiction.

The Sarah Palin you see on TV is actually an extremely sophisticated holographic magnification. In truth, I am extremely tiny. Slightly larger than one Planck length, actually. By your standards, I am almost infinitesimally small, and exist in a subatomic universe far beyond your power to comprehend. I use quarks for furniture! In a house that’s tucked into a curled dimension you have yet to discover!

Things happen in my world that are inconceivable in yours. A single particle can travel on multiple trajectories simultaneously. Objects fall upward and sideways without any regard for gravity–although directional concepts like “upward” and “sideways” have little meaning here. And I can make statements that directly contradict each other, sometimes within the span of one sentence, and not actually contradict myself.

I can also suggest things in the minds of my listeners, like “Obama’s a scary black guy!” or “they’re gonna kill your grandma!” without actually saying them, and being able to paint anyone who suggests otherwise as a PC liberal elitist. It’s pretty neat, not having to live by the rules everyone else does!

What’s the best part about living in a world that operates on quantum mechanics? Sometimes it’s the sheer unpredictability. Sometimes it’s exploring all the dozens of different planes of existence that can’t be perceived by “normal” sized people; I’ve lost track of how many there are! And sometimes it’s the ability to alter reality to suit my needs on a moment-by-moment basis. 

By the way, the string theory is totally wrong. And it’s totally right. How is that possible? It isn’t! But it is! Sorry if that goes over your heads. You wouldn’t get it unless you were at my tiny, tiny level.

Technical Nonsense

A Word on Comments

Earlier today, I had to delete a bunch of spam comments. Spam hasn’t been much of an issue on this here site because I’ve put enough hoops in place so (I hope) the average spammer won’t bother. But lately, I’ve seen a few determined spammers (or bots, more likely) put in the effort to copy and paste chunks of my posts, alter them slightly, then append them with a link to their presumably illegitimate online business.

The likelihood of any guilty party reading this post lies between slim and none, but I’m just putting this out into the ether so it exists. Under the auspices of the It’s My Damn Site and I Can Do What I Want Law, I will delete your comment if it’s basically an ad. Look: I don’t make any money off of this site, so neither should you.

If you have some fantastically awesome product/book/movie/show you want everyone to know about, email me about it and maybe I’ll write about it. But sneaking your stupid link into a comment is the express route to getting banned, capisce?

I will also delete your comment if it adds nothing to the conversation. Or if it was clearly written by some kind of robot. And I would hope this would go without saying, but I will not allow any kind of racism, sexism, or homophobia in the comments. If that’s your game, just go to YouTube, where all commenters are required to be full of hate.

All objections can be addressed to the nearest brick wall.

Pointless Nostalgia

The Ghoulishness of Retirement Plans

lotto.jpgI’m sure I’ve said this before, but at the risk of repeating myself (and that risk has never stopped me before), many of my Hates have dissipated as I get older. In keeping with my Renewed Positive Outlook on Life, I’ve tried to whittle down my Hates to the most essential and manageable–i.e., specific things that I can actively change. Everything else should get nothing stronger than a shaking of my fist.

But there are a few Blanket Hates I still carry around with me, and one of them popped up recently. When the Mega Millions jackpot rose to a ridiculously large jackpot, NY1 interviewed hopeful lotto players about what they would do with their winnings. Their answers were nothing infuriating–retire, pay off debt, and so on. And yet when I saw these people spending hypothetical riches, I wanted to throw my remote through the TV. What a buncha jerks, I thought.

Immediately, I questioned the virulence of my own hate. Why get so mad at these people? So they want to play the lotto and dream up imaginary wealth–who cares?

And then I remembered my summer working at a convenience store, dispensing all forms of lotto, and I questioned my hate no more.

Continue reading The Ghoulishness of Retirement Plans →