The Lost Art of the Anniversary Special, Featuring Nazi Donald Duck

I know that the readers of Scratchbomb are students of genuine American folklore. Therefore, this will be of interest you: A Donald Duck 50th Anniversary special from 1984.

Back in those days, television loved to pay tribute to beloved pop culture figures via one-hour programs, during which the figure in question was feted by whatever random celebrities could be assembled. The pinnacle of this art was, of course, the Looney Tunes 50th Anniversary Special. Produced by Lorne Michaels’ Broadway Video, it remains one of the most amazing things humans have made. This was just one example; in the mid-80s, it seemed every three months brought another such tribute to the airwaves.

People tuned in by the millions to watch these shows because back then, if you wanted to catch a “highlight reel” for I Love Lucy or The Honeymooners, this was your only recourse. Nowadays, if you want to see someone’s greatest moments, you can search for them on YouTube and you don’t have to pay Cher or Jeff Goldblum to punch up the proceedings.

However, back in 1984, the heyday of such programming, a special about Donald Duck all but demanded to be MC’ed and narrated by Dick Van Dyke, who also has some split animation/live action bits with the guest of honor. As in other such specials of its time, Donald is further celebrated by testimonials from a polyglot selection of stars seemingly picked out of a hat: Donna Summer, John Ritter, Kenny Rogers, Henry Winkler, and Andy Warhol, who is seen sketching out his own illustrated salute.

andy warhol + donald duckThe special also contains an enormous amount of old cartoon footage that is, I’m sure, locked up in a vault somewhere along with Walt’s frozen head, never to be seen again. For instance, a cartoon meant to promote postwar “understanding” between America and its neighbors to the south, with that understanding achieved by drinking cachaça and dive bombing bikini-clad girls on a beach with some kind of magic carpet. But that pales in comparison to a war-time short wherein Donald has a nightmare he lives in Nazi Germany and has to assemble bombs all day to the tune of Spike Jones’ “In Der Fuhrer’s Face.” So if you ever wondered what Donald Duck covered in swastikas would look like, wonder no more.

As with my Halloween presentation, the Donald Duck special is presented here with commercials included, intended to be viewed as one would have viewed it back when it was aired. (Source tape comes from a rebroadcast in 1985.) Again, the quality is not fantastic, but some sacrifices are needed to bring you Nazi Donald Duck.

Hang A Crooked Number: Now At Insultingly Low Prices!

cover_art_insideHey there, cheapskates! Perhaps you’ve considered purchasing a copy of my book Hang A Crooked Number—guaranteed to be the year’s best novel about baseball, spies, and failure—but balked at its retail price. Personally, I believe $2.99 is more than reasonable for a full-length novel written by one actual human, but I also recognize that ideas about what constitutes “reasonable price” has changed considerably in our modern age, what with all the computers and hula hoops and fax machines. I also recognize that nobody knows who the hell I am and thus may need extra incentive to drop any amount of cash on my weird ideas.

So, for a limited time, I am slashing the price on my novel. From now through November 15, Hang A Crooked Number can be yours for the frankly insulting price of 99 cents. This is literally the least amount of money I can charge for it without making it free altogether. (I have just enough dignity to not do that.)

If you want a better idea of what 99 cents buys you, check out excerpts of the novel at Stymie Magazine and The Classical.

If that does it for ya, you can purchase Hang A Crooked Number for the low, low, insanely low “price” of 99 cents at Amazon, Apple, Smashwords, or sort-of direct from me in either epub or PDF form.

Remember: If you likes what you read, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d leave a star-filled review on Amazon or Goodreads. I know, I’m asking you to leave a review after you paid a whole 99 cents for this book. A thousand pardons, sirrah, but I need the scraps from your table to survive. Please take pity upon me, a lowly beggar.

Bedtime 2

“You said we could watch The Simpsons before bedtime.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I just found all these old pictures and I got wrapped up in them.”

“Is that you?”

“Yeah.”

“When you were in a band?”

“Yeah. This was at CBGBs. That’s a famous place where bands played. I mean, it was a famous place where bands played. It’s a shoe store now.”

“You look so…young.”

This hits me somewhere deep. It doesn’t bother me that her saying you look so young implies I look old now, because I know I do. I’m more surprised she thinks there was a time when I didn’t look old.

At the time this picture was taken, I had it in my head that the band should wear classy outfits. I wanted the band to be as close as Nation of Ulysses as possible without playing their songs, and I imagined myself its Ian Svenonius.

That’s why, in this picture, I’m wearing black suit with red shirt and thin black tie. It looks like I’m imitating Interpol, except Interpol was still a few years in the future. Considering how little my own band managed to accomplish, I’m pretty sure Interpol arrived at their aesthetic on their own. Also, I’m the only jerk who bothered to get dressed up. Everyone else in the band stuck to t-shirt and jeans.

My head is bowed. A stage light catches the side of my head, and my hair looks bright red, almost pumpkin orange. I still had some hair back then, though it was quickly fleeing. I’m looking at the neck of my bass, mostly because I wasn’t a very good bass player. But if you didn’t know that, you would think I was lost in thought.

Over my shoulder, the wall behind the stage is covered in stickers and graffiti from other people who tried to leave something behind. That was the idea. You went to CBs and you plastered your sticker or scribbled your name on top of someone else’s sticker or name. Soon, someone else would do the same to you.

All these stickers and all these scribbles are gone now, along with the wall they were attached to, and the stage underneath them. The bass I’m holding is in a corner of my bedroom, missing a tuning peg, unprotected by a gig bag, collecting dust.

I’m not young in this picture, not in anything but age. I can’t remember a time when I felt anything but old. Even as a kid, I had old man worries, old man preoccupations. I had genuine cause for some of my worries. Would we lose the house? Would Dad crash the car or do something else horrible while drunk? Where I didn’t have real worry, my mind invented worry to fill the gaps.

My mind kept doing this even as most of the real worries faded away, until I became an adult, whereupon adult-type worries grabbed the baton. Bills, schools, a child of my own. In between, I had tiny islands of Not Worry, but each were inevitably engulfed by one tidal wave or another.

This picture is a rare document of one of those islands. The kid in this picture had worries, but he wasn’t thinking of them when the shutter snapped. I took my worry and I channeled them into songs that I wrote and sang, and when I played them for people, the worry stayed away, unable to penetrate a forcefield that fell down at the edge of the blackness beyond a stage.

My daughter was right. In this picture, I’m as young as I ever was.

“Can we watch The Simpsons now?”

“Yes, it’s almost bedtime.”

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants