DEEPEST UNCHARTED RECESSES OF THE UNIVERSE (AP) –The All England Tennis and Croquet Club, sponsors of the annual Wimbledon Championships, admitted today it had “made a grave miscalculation” when it agreed to play some of the tournament’s matches near in close proximity to a black hole.
“We initially believed such a move would highlight British ingenuity and resourcefulness,” said All England spokesman Trevor Hardwick, “but it seems we didn’t take into account the unfathomable physical forces we’d have to contend with.”
Hardwick blamed the black hole for the seemingly interminable length of the match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.
“From what I’ve been told for those who witnessed it in person, the Isner-Mahut match was actually a quick one. But the nearby black hole is so insanely dense, it warps the fabric of time itself relative to outside observers. So to us, it appeared to take a staggering three days and 980 points to complete. Also, by the time they return to earth, 10,000 years will have passed.”
The unique conditions were also blamed for a near-upset, when Rafael Nadal fell behind two sets to none in a first round match. Nadal was ultimately spared when his opponent, Robin Haase, fell beyond the event horizon and was ultimately crushed into an infinitely small, infinitely dense point.
First of all, Mr. Heyward, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for gracing us with your presence here in Congress today. I realize your schedule would be busy under normal circumstances, being the CEO of a huge, awesome oil company and all. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you now as the media relentlessly hammers you day in and day out. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to answer our piddling little questions today.