Jerry, I don’t need to tell you that this year didn’t go the way we planned. But it would help both of us out if the team could play well down the stretch. You know, salvage some of our dignity, and maybe our jobs.
We’re still playing? Sorry, I blacked out sometime in July as a psychological defense mechanism. Besides, I thought you traded you traded your dignity at the waiver deadline a few years back for Luis Ayala.
In any case, we need to some up with a plan for next year. Most of our prospects are 12 years old or going to the Red Sox. I thought I was getting a couple of minor leaguers back for Billy Wagner, but Theo Epstein made me sign all these forms…I still don’t know how it happened, but they get our first and second round picks for the next eight years.
It’s just as well. I don’t like young players anyway, full of spunk and promise and hope. Makes me sick.
So we’ll need to address our needs via free agency. First up, the hole in left field.
I heard about that. Big patch of quicksand ate up Jeremy Reed.
All posts by Matthew Callan
Scratchbomb’s Gone Fishin’
Scratchbomb will incommunicado from end of business day today through Labor Day (probably). I’m going on my first real vacation in several years. I’ll see if I can bring you back something nice.
In the meantime, please direct all communication to the nearest wall.
Zeb Fromulax, Appliance Hypnotherapist
I AM ZEB FROMULAX, APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPIST! BRING UNTO ME AN APPLIANCE IN NEED OF AID!
Mr. Fromulax, my toaster has been acting up lately. It burns everything, even when I have the dial turned all the way down.
LOOK INTO MY EYES, TOASTER! YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY….SLEEPY….YOU ARE CALM! YOU ARE AT REST! YOU ARE GOOD TOASTER! YOU WILL FUNCTION WELL! YOU WILL NOT BURN BREAD-STUFFS UNLESS CALLED UPON TO DO SO! WHEN YOU AWAKE, YOU WILL SINGE FOOD ITEMS CONSISTENT WITH THE DESIRED TOAST SETTING!
NOW, BRING FORTH THE NEXT PATIENT!
Can you make my microwave cluck like a chicken?
SIR, I AM NOT A PARLOR TRICKSTER! I AM AN APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPIST! I ASSIST APPLIANCES AND THEIR OWNERS IN THEIR GREATEST HOUR OF NEED! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, SIR!
Then why are you talking like that?
IT IS THE HYPNOTHERAPIST’S CODE! YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND SUCH THINGS! NOW BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT, SIR!
YES, MADAM? I SEE YOU HAVE A DVR!
Yeah, the In Demand won’t load for some reason.
DVR, LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES! YOU WANT TO FUNCTION! YOU WANT TO ALLOW YOUR OWNER TO WATCH LAST WEEK’S EPISODE OF “HOUSE”! YOU DO NOT WANT HER TO CALL UP THE CABLE COMPANY’S SUPPORT LINE, BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST GOING TO TELL HER TO REBOOT YOU, AND SHE’S DONE THAT LIKE FIVE TIMES ALREADY!
NOW YOU, SIR!
I got this toilet, the tank won’t fill up. I used to be able to jiggle the handle, but…
A TOILET IS NOT AN APPLIANCE, SIR!
I guess not, but I figured since you were so good with the other stuff…
SIR, I AM HIGHLY TRAINED IN APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPY! THAT IS MY SPECIALTY! I CAN NOT DABBLE IN OTHER FORMS OF HYPNOTHERAPY, NO MORE THAN A CARDIOLOGIST COULD TRY HIS HAND AT BRAIN SURGERY! OR A FURNITURE HYPNOTHERAPIST COULD ATTEMPT LIGHTING FIXTURE HYPNOTHERAPY!
Could you just give it a shot? I lugged this thing all the way down here.
SIR, MY SECRETARY WILL GIVE YOU THE NAME AND NUMBER OF A QUALIFIED PLUMBING HYPNOTHERAPIST! I’M SURE HE CAN ASSIST YOU MORE ABLY THAN I!