All posts by Matthew Callan

Boob Tubery, The Funny

Jay Leno Says Watch the Jay Leno Show!

jayleno.jpgHello, America! This is Jay Leno telling you to watch the new Jay Leno show, which premieres next Monday at 10pm! We’re gonna have lots of exciting guests and so many surprises, you won’t believe it! 

Remember that car I drove in the commercials for my new show, the racecar with 10 on the side? I’m gonna try and eat it live on the air! It could take me all week! Can the human stomach digest a carburetor? Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out!

Join me for Jay’s Wacky Pranks! I go down to the Hall of Records and try to legally change my name to Jey Leyneaux. It’ll blow their minds! And yours!

Ever seen human chess? You’ve never seen it like this, played with the Supreme Court justices and the surviving members of the 1979 world champion Pittsburgh Pirates! Will Kent Tekulve be a pawn or a rook? We’ll see!

Bring in a homemade casserole and I’ll judge it on a scale of 1 to 10!

An old favorite will join us: Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo! And I’ll get up close and personal with a rhesus monkey! What does he do on my shirt? I can’t say, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “P” and ends with “urinate”!

Join me when I take a tour of the Rawlings Golf Center in Reseda, as they hand-assemble my custom golf cart! If you’ve ever wondered how cup holders are made, wonder no more!

Are you excited about the new hit animated movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? So am I! That’s while I’ll be throwing hamburger meat from the roof of our studio! If you’re lucky enough to be walking down the street at the time, you get to keep up to half of whatever lands on you!

Juggling! I’m gonna learn how to juggle! You guys like juggling, right?

World champion whistler Dave Morris will thrill us with his rendition of Wagner’s entire Ring Cycle!

I’ll do an entire monologue without using the letter ‘e’! Does that sound interesting? What must I do to get your eyes on me?! I need your attention! I’ll shrivel up and die outside of the spotlight!

The Jay Leno Show starring Jay Leno! Let’s all be there!

Cinematics, The Funny

Thus Squeaked Zarathustra

The tweeting of bigplastichead alerted me to this awesome video. Someone took the immortal opening sequence to 2001: A Space Odyssey and substituted the soundtrack with a school band’s attempts at Strauss. Result: hilarity.

1999 Project

1999 Project: Games 129-134 (West Coast Swing #2)

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

dbacks_future_uni.jpgAugust 27, 1999: Mets 6, Diamondbacks 3

This marked the second of three West Coast trips the Mets would take at the end of the 1999 season. First up, the Arizona Diamondbacks. Despite being in their sophomore season, not only were the Diamondbacks in first place in the NL West, but at the start of this series they enjoyed a 7.5 game lead over the Giants and were poised to run away with the division.

In his brief career, Octavio Dotel had the uncanny habit of alternating good starts with so-so ones. In his last outing at Shea, he was less than impressive against the Cardinals. So naturally, in the series opener in Arizona, he was lights out. In eight innings of work, Dotel allowed just four hits, one run, and struck out six. D-Backs ace Randy Johnson, usually not one to dole out compliments (or say much of anything at all), predicted a “bright future” for the young righty.

The Mets took a lead two batters into the game, when Rickey Henderson led off with a double and Edgardo Alfonzo singled him home. Offensively, they were led by Rey Ordonez (of all people), who hit an run-scoring groundout in the second inning and a two-RBI single in the sixth. They tacked on two runs against the Arizona bullpen; Alfonzo scored from third when reliever Brian Anderson balked in the seventh, and later came home on a Mike Piazza double in the ninth.

That gave the Mets a comfortable 6-1 lead. Dotel had thrown 110 pitches through eight innings, and had also shouldered a considerable workload increase during his first professional season. This prompted Bobby Valentine to bring in Billy Taylor to pitch the ninth. Taylor had struggled thus far in his brief Mets tenure, and he struggled here, giving up consecutive singles to Jay Bell, Luis Gonzalez, and Matt Williams. Bell came around to score on Williams’ hit, and the Mets’ lead was down to 6-2, with runners on first and third and nobody out.

So Valentine was forced to bring in Armando Benitez to clean up Taylor’s mess. Benitez struck out Erubiel Durazo, got Steve Finley to pop up to the catcher, and, after an RBI single to ex-Met Kelly Stinnett, induced a pop up from Andy Fox to end the game.

A nervous Dotel watched the ninth inning from the bench, foregoing his postgame workout routine. That led to a curious sight in the visiting clubhouse after the game–Dotel addressed the media while pedaling away on a stationary bike. He’d made another case for staying in the starting rotation, though Rick Reed–who’d just made a less-than-encouraging rehab start for Norfolk–insisted he was ready to return to the club.

In other injury news, Bobby Bonilla started in the same game as Reed as a DH and went 1 for 4. He would rejoin the team once rosters expanded on September 1, although few people associated with the team (and even fewer fans) seemed anxious for him to come back.

Continue reading 1999 Project: Games 129-134 (West Coast Swing #2) →