All posts by Matthew Callan

Boob Tubery, The Funny

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show!

Thumbnail image for jayleno.jpgHey guys, have you thought about watching the Jay Leno Show when it debuts next Monday? It’s gonna be blast! Guests! Comedy! Things on the news!

Boy, I wish I was on TV right now! Did you see that Obama health speech yesterday? Crazy! Boy, I’d have a few zingers ready for Joe Wilson. Then I’d also have a few for Obama, just to even it out! I like to give it to both sides! I think that’s why people like me! I’m fair!

But you should still tune in! We’re gonna have so many surprises, you won’t believe it! I just got an original user’s manual from a 1969 Lotus Super 7 Series 3! And I’ll read the whole thing, live on the air!

Watch as I play a hilarious prank on Chuck‘s Zachary Levi! He’ll order a tuna wrap from the craft services truck, but we’ll send him a turkey club and insist it’s tuna! You’ll crack up at as he exhibits mild frustration over the matter!

Did you know when I was in college, I was voted Most Likely To Continue to Exist? It’s true!

Thrill as I realize one of my lifelong dreams: drop-kicking a pumpkin across the Grand Canyon! And they said it couldn’t be done!

You guys like Twitter, right? If I did something with Twitter, would you tune in then?

We’re doing stuff for the troops, too! As soon as the first show wraps, we’ll burn it to DVD and send it to one lucky army base in Fallujah! That army base will then send it to another, and so on, until every man and woman in uniform gets to see it! Which should happen some time in 2017!

Adam Levine from Maroon 5 will stop by to restring his guitar–live!

I’m bringing back Iron Jay! But this time, it will be an actual iron statue of me! We’ll travel to a working foundry in Youngstown, Ohio to watch it be forged!

Do you like that guy Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs? Me too! If we had him on the show, would you tune in?

You’ll love the spin-off of my Headlines segments: Mastheads! You won’t believe some of the crazy names these editors have!

It’s so cold outside the spotlight, so tune in! If you don’t, I’ll have to be on the road 290 days a year because I hate my family! Come home to NBC!

Literary Endeavors

Life Isn’t Fair and Then You Die. The End.

throw_computer.jpgI’d like to write for a living. That’s always been my dream. At various points of my adult life, I’ve earned deaux to write, in various media. I even get the occasional royalty check for Olde Works. But it’s far from money I could eat on.

Writing for a living is not essential to my well being, since I have other abilities/experience that keep me employable. Plus, for all I know, getting paid to write full time might totally sap the joy and love out of it. Maybe the dream would turn out to be a nightmare.

Writing is lonely. It’s solitary, requires a ton of time to perfect your craft and complete projects, and can have very few dividends (or none at all). A writer who taught at Brooklyn College once told me, “The world doesn’t need your stories.” (He meant the third-person you, not me personally.) You have to realize that no one’s chomping at the bit, waiting for your next tome. You have to realize that no one’s going to pat you on the back, even when you accomplish something.

It is a vocation that requires a lot of self control, because validation probably won’t come from the outside world for a very, very long time, if ever. In fact, most factors from the outside world will be horrifyingly discouraging. Like these two items that passed over my transom yesterday.

Continue reading Life Isn’t Fair and Then You Die. The End. →

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

obama.jpgThere have been a lot of untruths out there about my health care plan. So I want to reassure the American people that illegal immigrants will not be covered under this plan.
joew.jpgYOU LIE!
obama.jpgNo, I don’t actually. And I think it’s highly disrespectful of you to just yell at the President of the United States like that. If you disagree with me, fine, but…
joew.jpgYOU’RE NOT FUNNY!
obama.jpgI’m not trying to be funny. This is not a comedy club.
joew.jpgFREEBIRD!
obama.jpgWow, there’s a blast from the past. When you’re done with that brilliant retort, 1993 needs it back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to deliver a speech here.
joew.jpgYOU SHOULD DELIVER MY WAITRESS OVER HERE SO I CAN GET ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC!
obama.jpgYou’ll have to speak up. I don’t speak Inbred Cracker Peckerwood.

Continue reading Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President →