All posts by Matthew Callan

Seasonal Fare

2009: I Heard You Jerks Talking About Me

2009 here. Remember me? Doesn’t ring a bell? I’ll give you a hint: I’m the year you’ve been bad mouthing for the last month. Yeah, that one.

I heard what you guys said about me. What a horrible year. Can’t wait for this year to be over. Next year’s gotta be better than this one. You people think I’m deaf? Or do you just hate me so much you don’t give a shit whether I hear you or not? Insensitive assholes.

You didn’t have a shitty year, okay? Shitty things happened to you during the year. That’s not my fault. A year is just a timeline on which events occur. If somebody runs a red light and hits your car, do you blame the street? I don’t think so.

It’s not my job to make sure your life runs smoothly. How about taking responsibility for your own actions instead of a buncha squares on the calendar? Believe me, if I had the power to make people’s lives harder, you woulda had a lot rougher time this year during me.

And did anyone ever thank me for continuing the march of time and keeping it from coming to a grinding halt? No, of course not. Assholes.

At my wrap party, I told 2010, “Everybody loves you now, but just wait until December. People were once cursing 2008 and begging me to begin, you know.” He just nodded and turned away to chat up some chick. Stupid punk. Think he knows everything. He’ll learn the hard way. They always do.

This time next year, when you’re cursing out 2010 and wishing for the good old days of me, you know where I’ll be? On a beach somewhere, laughing my ass off. Good luck this year, you pricks. You’re gonna need it.

Football

Eli Manning and Mark Sanchez Star in, Mixed Messages!

* knock knock *

eli.jpgHey Mark, it’s Eli from next door.
sanchez.jpgWhat’s up?
eli.jpgYou know how the mailman is always mixing up our deliveries? Well, I got this package and I opened it, but I didn’t realize it was for you. Sorry about that.
sanchez.jpgNo problem, it happens. What’s in the package?
eli.jpgA really shitty performance in a must-win game to close out your stadium.
sanchez.jpgWeird. I didn’t order one of those. In fact, the UPS guy just dropped off a surprisingly dominant performance in a must-win game to close out a stadium.
eli.jpgHuh. You sure that wasn’t for me?
sanchez.jpgThe label said “Jets” on it.
eli.jpgYou’re sure it said “Jets”?
sanchez.jpgPositive.
eli.jpgAw geez…now that I look at this package closer, yeah, it does have my name on it. I just, you know, was hoping maybe it didn’t. It seems like the kinda thing you’d get.
sanchez.jpgWell, I didn’t, so…
eli.jpgLike maybe the labels got mixed up at the…factory…or something…
sanchez.jpgSo that’s why you waited a week to bring it by?
eli.jpgIt’s the holidays. You know, everybody’s out of town, and parties…and stuff…I’ve just been so busy, you know?
sanchez.jpgListen, I gotta go pack for the playoffs, so…
eli.jpgPlayoffs, huh? Those are fun. I won a Super Bowl, you know.
sanchez.jpgThat was like three years ago, right?
eli.jpgI still won it!
sanchez.jpgAnd that was awesome! But I gotta split, okay? See you at the new place, okay?
/ slam
eli.jpgYou’re still gonna help me move, right?

Seasonal Fare

Scratchbomb’s Best of the Media Decade

monsterinlaw.jpgBEST FILM: Monster in Law Completely changed the landscape of cinema. Destined to be endlessly copied and rehashed a la Citizen Kane, but I doubt we’ll see anyone come close to its artistry in our lifetimes.

Honorable mention: The Wicker Man Ultimately, I felt the honor of best film of the decade should be gifted to a completely original work, not a remake. However, what Neil LaBute and Nicolas Cage were able to do with the obscure cult classic almost defies words.
atj.jpgBEST TV SHOWS: According to Jim One of the few programs to span most of this decade, ATJ became like part of the family for all of us. It was there for all our highs and lows, our triumphs and tragedies. And like all great performers, it went out on top. Thanks again, for all the laughs and tears.

Honorable mention: The Jeff Dunham Show and Frank TV Both gone far too soon. Perhaps one day the public’s Philistine tastes will catch up with the pure genius of these men and their visions for the variety programs of the new millenium. Until then, I’ll just eagerly await their release on DVD, so I can savor each magic moment over and over again.

weiland_happy.jpgBEST ALBUM: Scott Weiland, “Happy” in Galoshes It reminds one of when Syd Barrett left Pink Floyd and poured his tortured soul into The Madcap Laughs. Finally given a chance to spread his wings and give full vent to his muse, Weiland truly delivered with tunes such as “Missing Cleveland”, “Killing Me Sweetly”, and his tour de force cover of David Bowie’s “Fame”. Pick up the two-disc deluxe edition to hear such rarities as “Sometimes Chicken Soup (Dig My Way to China to Find You)”–you shan’t be disappointed.

Honorable mention: Insane Clown Posse, The Wraith: Shangri-La ICP found a way to step up their game again, with a mind-blowing 180 into spiritually influenced music. Much like Bob Dylan’s “born again” albums, this did not please some of the band’s hardcore fans. But those who stuck with it were given a rare treat indeed.

stateoffear.jpgBEST NOVEL: Michael Crichton, State of Fear Millions of learned, trained scientists say that global warming is real. It took one brave millionaire novelist to prove that they were, in fact, lying to us all to further their own careers! Sadly, Mr. Crichton is in a better place now, free from evil academics, but hopefully we will one day be able to read fragments from his unfinished book exposing the Round Earth Conspiracy.

Honorable mention: Dan Brown I simply can’t pick a single book of his. He wields words as the master sculptor wields his chisel. Who else could pen such immortal lines as “Physicist Leonardo Vetra
smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.”
50centrobertgreene.jpgBEST NON-FICTION/SELF-HELP BOOK: 50 Cent and Robert Greene, The 50th Law I didn’t think it would be possible for 50 Cent to top his line of urban novels, but then he teamed up with The 48 Laws of Power author Robert Greene for this life-changing tome. Only such a dynamic team could not only think up of two whole new laws for success, but also deliver them in the inimitable 50 Cent style.

Honorable mention: Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater Technically, this is a novel, or even a multimedia extravaganza. But it’s so much more than that. It’s a guide for your life, a tale that must be told not just at Christmas, but all year round!

drudge.jpgBEST WEBSITE: Drudge Report Fair, balanced, and sleekly designed, The Drudge Report is still the best place to hear all the latest poop. It first started dropping bombs during the Clinton years and it hasn’t changed since. And don’t you ever change, Matt!

Honorable mention: TMZ.com I hate all celebrities and believe they should be hounded until they either fly into violent rages or commit suicide. Kudos to Harvey Levin for making this dream a reality.