All posts by Matthew Callan

Seasonal Fare

Scratchbomb Remembers Those We Did Not Lose in 2009

As the year draws to a close, Scratchbomb pays tribute to all the icons who did not pass away in the past 12 months.

keef.jpgIn defiance of medical science, the laws of physics, and the sensibilities of all those with ascetically healthy lifestyles, Keith Richards remains among the living.

jessejames.jpgDespite an ad campaign that seemed to indicate the contrary, Jesse James is not a dead man.

margretthatcher.jpgI could have sworn Margaret Thatcher died, like, three years ago. Turns out she’s still alive. Sorry, Maggie!

cheney2.jpgDick Cheney is included here, though his case is kind of a gray area, as he belongs to the ranks of the bloodthirsty undead.

moschitta.jpgKnown to millions as the “fast talker” from dozens of commercials over the last 25 years, John Moschitta is not entertaining angels with the rapid-fire speech techniques that delighted millions, as he is still with us.

riptaylor.jpgRip Taylor: Still throwing confetti, still not dead. Way to go, Rip!

riptorn.jpgAlso still alive: Rip Torn. All in all, a good year for Rips!

madonna.jpgCan you imagine if Michael Jackson and Madonna had died in the same year? That’d be BANANAS! They didn’t, though.

belushi2.jpgThe existence of a just and loving god continued to be challenged by the fact that Jim Belushi is still alive and his brother John is still dead.

tuckermax.jpgAs of press time, no one has beaten Tucker Max to death.

Honorable mention: 6.8 billion other humans, give or take.

The Funny

Gallagher Smashes the Comedy Establishment

gallagher.jpgAs I stated in my Onion AV Club interview, I’m extremely bitter and disillusioned about the state of comedy these days. Like the world in general, the comedy world rewards mediocrity and shuns innovation. It’s as simple as that. Comedians pander to the audience in the most shameful ways, because today’s audience expects to be pandered to. The audience wants what it wants when it wants it, and no one is daring enough to give the audience what it might need.

/smashes watermelon with oversized wooden mallet

But really, this has been in the cards for a long time. Parents don’t discipline their kids anymore. People wear whatever they want to and behave how ever they feel like in public. Curse words aren’t shocking anymore because everyone uses them. How can we expect any art form to grow in an environment like this?

/crushes container of cottage cheese with sledgehammer

I also blame the cellular nature of the 21st century. You want to listen to music? Put on your iPod and shut out the rest of the world. Want to watch a movie? Stream it online. We have no communal experiences anymore. So now, when I do a show, people in the audience react like they’re sitting their living rooms, watching alone. They heckle and yell and hoot and holler, with absolutely no consideration for the people around them.

/whacks Snicker bars with a tennis racket

And the only things worse than the audiences are the comedians. No one has any sense of craft or timing anymore! But then again, how would they gain such knowledge? We have no vaudeville. We have no public support for the performing arts. A comedian–any artist, in fact–has to hit it big immediately or fail. People nowadays have neither the structure to support years-long apprenticeships, nor the patience to endure them even if they did exist.

/sues brother for copyright infringement

And the worst part is, I see no signs of this abating any time soon.

I weep for the death of the soul.

/rides enormous Big Wheel into trampoline couch

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Football

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Don Shula, Mythbuster

shula_time.jpgAs a fan of the Jets, of course I wanted them to beat the Colts on Sunday. But as a fan of non-douchebags, I wished Indy could stay undefeated. Because that would mean they had a chance to win all 19 games, and thus threaten the sore winner tyranny of the 1972 Dolphins. Up until two weeks ago, I hoped both the Saints and Colts would go undefeated in the regular season and win the AFC and NFC championships, thus ensuring there would finally be a completely undefeated team to knock those old crabs off their cheap throne.

In every other sport, when a record falls, the previous record holder (or his family) is on hand to congratulate the new champ and wish him/her well. Even Hank Aaron begrudgingly tipped his cap to Barry Bonds when he beat the all-time home run record. If anyone ever had a reason to flip off the guy who supplanted him in the record books, Aaron did. But Aaron decided the game was bigger than him and paid tribute to Bonds, because he’s not a huge dick.

The ’72 Dolphins don’t suffer from such humility and perspective. They’re like mountain climbers who’ve scaled Everest, and decide to take sniper shots at anyone else who attempts the feat. Each year, they literally pop champagne when the last undefeated team takes a loss–and brag about such poor sportsmanship, on top of it all. And make commercials about it, too.

They insist to whoever will listen about how they’re the best team of all time, which, considering how much football has changed in the last 37 years, is borderline insane. Athletes are conditioned so much better in every single sport now, but especially infootball. Can you imagine the ’72 Dolphins trying to block the linebackers of today? Just look at these guys. They’d be mashed into the ground by the Lions, let alone a decent team.

Oh, and they played one of the easiest schedules in NFL history. Not in the NFL that year. In NFL history. Their opponents that season had a .396 win percentage. They are in the 99th percentile in terms of ease of schedule, all time. An NFL team is less likely to play such an easy schedule every again than a person is likely to be born with a dorsal fin.

Two years ago, when the Patriots were in the midst of their undefeated (regular) season, Don Shula got all a-snitter about how Camera-Gate invalidated their accomplishments. He conveniently neglected to mention that his ’72 Dolphins were not without their own ethical missteps.

He also tried to poke holes in many other grand achievements, on this very web site. It was quite a coup to get him to open up, I must say! You can take a trip down memory lane and read all about it here.