Tag Archives: yankees

Baseball

We Need to Talk, New York Times

New York Times, can you come in here please?

I found this in your contents yesterday. You mind telling me what this is?

Won’t say anything? Fine, I’ll tell you. It’s an article about people who’ve named their dogs Jeter. Does that even remotely seem like news to you? Even for the sports pages?

It does? Really? How, exactly?

Because it’s a trend? C’mon, Times. In this article, you say there are 33 dogs registered in New York City with the name Jeter. What percentage of dogs in all five boroughs do you think that is? And don’t gimme that ‘I don’t know’! I thought we discussed this when you published that article about people hiring bartenders for house parties. Just because a couple of people do something doesn’t make it a trend, or interesting. We’ve been through this!

Look, I know everyone’s trying to ride the Jeter bandwagon. MLB is selling the dirt from under his feet and letting fans fondle his balls, for crying out loud. I know it’s the week after Fourth of July and all your best reporters are still in the Hamptons. But this…this is just unacceptable.

I know you can do better than this, Times. I know you can! I wouldn’t have pushed you to take those advanced classes. You just need to apply yourself is all!

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

Baseball

Jorge and Brian Have a Heart-to-Heart

Jorge, honey? Can I come in?
No.
C’mon, I know you’re upset about the new batting order…
I don’t wanna hit ninth!
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. That’s part of growing up.
I’m a good hitter!
Of course you are! You’re still a better hitter than 99 percent of all the people in the world. You’re just not as good as the rest of our lineup or bench, or a sizable portion of our minor league system.
It’s not fair!
No, it is fair. It’s the definition of fair. What’s not fair is making you bat in front of people who are still good at baseball. Do you want Robinson Cano to hit ninth? How about Mark Teixeira?
I don’t care, I don’t wanna hit ninth.
What are you going to do, quit?

Maybe I will.

Maybe you could do that. And maybe I could tell everyone what a baby you’re being and embarrass you in front of the entire NY press corps and all your classmates.
Why would you do that?!
Because I love you and want what’s best for you, sweetie! But if you won’t toughen up, I have to what’s best for the rest of the family. Now since you’re quitting, let me just get out my phone and call up Bill Madden. He’s gonna wanna hear all about this…
No, don’t do that! I’ll look like an asshole!
Remember what I always say: only you can make you look an asshole.
*sigh* Fine. I’ll hit ninth.
And?
And pinch hit.
That’s my little slugger. C’mere, gimme a hug.
HA HA, YOU GOT IN TROUBLE.
Hank, leave your big brother alone!

Baseball

The Hate, I Hear It Calling My Name

Remember yesterday, when I was faced with a choice between encouraging hatred of the Yankees and I resisted, wanting to raise my child in a positive, live-and-let-live way? I felt good about my decision 24 hours ago. Today, not so much.

Why? Just take a peek at the back cover of the Daily News.

Oh, Yankees. Why, oh why must you make the hate so hard to resist? “The Little Team that Could”? Really? Just for that, each member of your team should have to stand in a line and get slapped by every Pirates and Royals fan in the country.