STEINBRENNERUS: Have you gotten my first baseman, Seneca?
BRIAN CASHMAN: Um, it’s Brian, but yes, we have signed Mark Teixeira.
STEINBRENNERUS: Bring him forth.
STEINBRENNERUS: Ah, but he’s a strapping buck of a man! Can he perform?
MARK TEIXEIRA: Well, I’m pretty much guaranteed for 30 homers and 100 RBIs every year.
STEINBRENNERUS: Ah, this pleases the Steinbrenner! Yes, he shall provide me hours of amusement! Place him over there with the Sabathia and the Burnett.
I wasn’t too upset about the Yankee Love Fest that was Fox’s coverage of OMG THE LAST ALL STAR GAME AT YANKEE STADIUM. I mean, yeah, it was completely over the top and so full of fake, sepia-toned wistfulness it would make Ken Burns retch.
But the months and months of hype leading up to it meant you knew it was gonna be like that. If you insisted on watching the All Star Game, knowing full well it was going to be 4 hours of Joe Buck bending over and spreading for the Pinstripe Bullet, you really have no right to complain about it.
I did wish, however, that more attention had been paid to the two following details.
1) Yankee Stadium hasn’t been condemned. It’s not about to turn into dust. It’s old and outdated, but the Yankees could continue to play there if they really wanted to. So essentially, this “celebration” of the last year at Yankee Stadium is really a celebration of the Yankees building a billion dollar monument to themselves–with more than half of that money coming from city bonds, while the team tries and hold New York over a barrel for even more public funds to complete it.
1a) Oh, and they destroyed one of the few public parks in their Bronx neighborhood in order to do it. The team insists that they’ll pay to replace it with another public park, but that new park will be located on the other side of the Deegan. So go fuck yourselves, local residents, we need that space for a Hard Rock Café!
2) When the history of Yankee Stadium is rehashed by nostalgia junkie writers, they inevitably bring up Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, and so on. They seldom mention the fact that the current Yankee Stadium shares almost nothing with the Yankee Stadium that those legends played in, except for the name. The Stadium received an enormous makeover in the early 70s (totally publicly funded, by the way), to add a few seats and completely drain it of all idiosyncracies and charm. If you see pictures of the original version, it looks more like Ebbets Field or the old Tiger Stadium, a classic pre-war ballpark. The redesigned version that opened in 1976 looks like Shea Stadium in navy blue (which even the most ardent Mets fan will tell you is a bad thing). So when people lament the impending loss of the House that Ruth Built, guess what? That place has already been gone
for over 30 years.
But again, the full-press Yankee love was hardly surprising. What I did find surprising was the unbridled worship of George Steinbrenner that came along with it. During the broadcast, Joe Buck went out of his way to spend an entire inning talking about how great Steinbrenner was, and how he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Tim McCarver, who I think might now be legally retarded, agreed with him, as if Big Stein was a much a no-brainer HOF vote as Mariano Rivera.
Today’s NY papers were all pretty much in line with this POV, praising Steinbrenner and his winning winningness, and his ability to have his team’s stadium host an All Star Game. Midget Mike Lupica’s column was typical of the lot, chronicling George’s trip onto the Yankee Stadium field as if it was Caesar crossing the Rubicon.
At this point, I have to rub my eyes and blurt a Hanna Barbera-ish “ah-geda-ah-geda-HUH?” Because apparently I blinked some time in the last 15 years or so, and it must have been at the exact second someone switched the setting on George Steinbrenner’s Public Opinion to Adoring Adulation. Because for as long as I’ve been alive, it was set at either Derision, Disgust, or Searing Hatred.
We’re coming to you live from the Lowe’s Broadcast Booth. Lowe’s: Let’s build something…to-geth-ah!
You know, baseball’s a funny game, isn’t it? I mean, one second the Yankees are up by three runs, the next thing you know, someone’s broken the seventh seal and we’re in the middle of the Biblical Apocalypse! I tell you what Suzyn, the only thing you can predict about this game is that it’s unpredictable!
Of course, many of the fans have left the Stadium to flee for their lives. And some of
those who’ve stayed have been killed by these strange flying monsters that look sort of like a cross between a dragon, a monkey, and Goose Gossage. But the players here are all professionals, and they’re going to soldier on through this end of life as we know it. So if you’re listening at home in your fallout shelter, loading a shotgun and rationing out trail mix, keep that radio tuned right here!
Here’s the Captain, Derek Jeter, to lead off the fifth. The path to the batter’s box is now swirling with molten lava and demons’ blood, so he’ll have to watch his step. Remember, Robinson Cano slid into that deadly pool after a close play at the plate in the bottom of the second, so the Yanks’ bench is a little thin.
Remember, next Friday is Cap Day at the Stadium. All children 12 and under will receive a free Yankees hat, courtesy of Dunkin Donuts. Plenty of good seats still left, so if we all haven’t been roasted to death and if time itself hasn’t ceased to have any meaning whatsoever, come on down!
And Jeter takes…low for ball one. Now, if Jeter can go the opposite way and poke one into right, he may be able to leg out a double. The right fielder is not quick and does not have a good arm. Plus, it should be hard for him to judge the flight of the ball, now that the sky has turned a hideous shade of blackish red.
This weather report is brought to you by Con Edison. Well, I can’t tell the temperature, since the mercury in our thermometer has burst through the top and boiled away. But I would have to say it’s muggy today, even though the sun has been completely blotted out. So if you’re venturing out this afternoon, make sure to bring plenty of water, and an axe to stave off all of the zombies.
And the pitch is…swung on and missed, strike one. Jeter was looking fastball on that last pitch, but he just couldn’t catch up to it. He may have also been distracted by the vampires that have just swooped into left field, but I doubt it. Derek is the ultimate professional–he would never use bloodsucking corpse-things as an excuse.
Here’s the 1-and-1. DRILLED TO LEFT CENTER! THAT BALL IS HIGH! MM-IT IS FAR! MM-IT IS GAHN! El Capitan! Oh Captain, My Captain! The Captain and Tenille does it again! Captain Jack will get us high tonight!
Wait, hold on. I’m sorry, folks, it seems there was some confusion on the play. The center fielder is protesting that the ball was ingested by some sort of demon. He’s pointing at the beast right now as it hovers menacingly over the warning track. The demon has long, leathery wings and pointy ears. If I had to describe his eyes, I’d say they have a soulless look that just sends shivers down my spine. Boy, it’s Jeffrey Maier all over again!
I tell you what, you can’t predict this game at all, Suzyn! You just can’t!
What’s that, Suzyn? I can’t make out what you’re saying. Sounds like you’re saying “brains”. Oh, it seems Suzyn has been transformed into one of the bloodthirsty undead.
Well, to paraphrase the old musical Oklahoma, I’ve gone about as fur as I can go! While I look for a sharpened stick and pray for the protection of my immortal soul, this would be a good time for station identification on the Yankees Radio Network. This is Yankees baseball!
