Welcome bu-hack to Inside the Actors’ Studio. I’m yaw host, Mike Francesa. In addition to knowing everything there is to know about spawts, I’m also a cineaste extraordinaire. This is the show where I tawk to some of the best actors in the history of Hollywood films. Some of the greats. Some of the legends. Some of the biggest stars. And I have one of em next to me right now. His name is Richard Dreyfuss. Richard, welcome to the program.
Thanks, Mike. I can hear you, but it’s hard to see you past this heaping mountain of snacks you have on the desk between us.
I draw my strength from the aroma of unopened Malomars. Now, Richard, you’ve appeared in some of the biggest films of awl time. Some of the hugest films. Some of the real big ones. Which one was your favorite?
Oh, it’s so hard to say. Movies are almost like your kids, you know: You love em all! Ha ha! There’s just…
It’s Mr. Holland’s Opus, isn’t it?
That was certainly an enjoyable film to make.
Your favorite film was Mr. Holland’s Opus.
I don’t think I’d say that, Mike. I mean, it was a fantastic experience, but I always come back to Jaws, the movie that really…
Jaws?! Are you tellin me you like Jaws more than Mr. Holland’s Opus?
Mike, it’s not really question of liking one more than the other…
MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS WAS ABOUT A BELOVED TEACHER FALLING IN LOVE WITH MUSIC AGAIN! JAWS IS ABOUT A SHAWK! HOW CAN YOU PICK JAWS OVER MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS?! YER OUTTA YA MIND IF YOU THINK THAT!!

/17 minute pause

IF YOU THINK JAWS IS A BETTAH FILM, YOU ARE LOST! LU-HOST!

/massive gulp of Diet Coke

Alright, we got Frankie on the caw phone. Frankie, what’s up?

Thanks, Mike. I love the show. I worhship the ground you walk on. I cherish the six hours your show is on much more than the time I spend with my stupid wife and children.

Go on.
My question is, when Mr. Dreyfuss was making that mashed potato Devil’s Mountain in Close Encounters, did he really…

Wait, you wanna ask a Close Encounters question? I have the staw of Mr. Holland’s Opus here, and you wanna ask a Close Encounters question?

I’d be happy to answer it…

Did you evah see Mr. Holland’s Opus, Frankie?

I think so, maybe on a plane once. I don’t remember it too well.

I HAVE THE STAW OF MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS HEAH, AND YOU WANNA ASK HIM ABOUT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS? YOU GOTTA BE OUTTA YAW MIND! WHY DON’TCHA AKS HIM ABOUT THE TOUCHING SCENE WHERE HE HEARS HIS SYMPHONY PERFAWMED BY HIS FORMER STUDENTS?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT DIDN’T MOVE YOU TO TEARS?!


Um, like I said, I don’t remember it too well.

BECAUSE I WEPT LIKE A BABY!

Mike, please don’t yell at me! You’re the only ray of sunshine in my life!   

Ridiculous. Get this guy off.

/click

Mark, Chris, Bill, whatever my producer’s name is. This is the kinda question you let on the air? So that’s what we’re doin now. This is how we produce a show. Okay. Fine.

/dismissive snort

Alright, now it’s time faw my Mawquis Quiz.

I thought it was called the Proust Questionnaire.
This first one is easy: Who scawed the first safety in Super Bowl history?
Um…you know, I’m not a huge football fan.
TAKE A GUESS, RICHARD! TAKE A GUESS!
Um…Terry Bradshaw?
TERRY BRADSHAW?! HOW IS QUAWTABACK GONNA SCORE A SAFETY?! YOU AW LU-HOST!
You seem to be running the show fine by yourself. Maybe I should just leave.
NOT UNTIL YOU SHARE HILARIOUS STORIES FROM THE SET OF “THE EDUCATION OF MAX BICKFORD”!

Hat tip to @kranepool, whose tweet inspired this opus.