Tag Archives: rex ryan

Football

Rex Ryan Laments Blown Opportunities

Thumbnail image for rex.jpgYeah, it definitely hurts to get this close and not make it just one step further. And for two years in a row now. But what’s really gonna keep me up at night is how much trash talking we coulda done.

That’s what got us here, from Hard Knocks all the way through the win against the Patriots. We just talked smack about everyone and everything, morning, noon, and night. Then we face the Steelers and all of a sudden we don’t say anything. Not a peep. That’s what killed us–we got away from our game plan.

But I don’t blame my players. I put this all on me. I had so many insults ready to go, both overt and veiled, and I didn’t use them. I took a cue from Wes Welker and wrote up a whole buncha press conference responses, all of which used the word “rape” in them, but then I thought that would’ve been in bad taste. I gotta hand it to Mike Tomlin and his team–I never would’ve thought anything was in bad taste a week ago.

And even if we didn’t go for the obvious digs at Roethlisberger, there’s so many petty details we could’ve shit-talked about. Like, “hey, what’s up with Polamalu’s hair?” or “your stadium is named after ketchup!” Maybe those seem like little things, but hey, little things win championships.

We coulda done it over-the-top, black-hat style and insulted the entire city of Pittsburgh. Maybe we could’ve downplayed the accomplishments of the labor movement. Maybe we could’ve mocked steel, maybe? “Iron, carbon, chromium, what kinda dumbass fuckin alloy is that?” Then maybe the Steelers would’ve been driven insane with rage and made a buncha mistakes. Oh well, guess we’ll never know what mighta been.

The only thing we can do is work harder. Develop better insults in the off season. Find new and creative ways to be dismissive of your opponents. Draft some athletic loudmouths out of college. And above all, never, ever stop talking. Because talk is cheap, and who wants to pass up that kinda bargain?

Football

Rex Ryan, Master Motivator

rex.jpgNo, I don’t think the AFC Championship is gonna be a letdown game at all. Whoever wins this wins a trip to the Super Bowl. You can’t get up for that, might as well quit football right now.

Sure, we’re not trash-talking the Steelers like we did the Patriots, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get motivated for this game. My tactic is tell my team that Pittsburgh is full of bad guys. Like really, really bad guys, and we gotta get em and throw em in jail.

What kind of bad guys? I dunno, maybe bank robbers, or ninjas. Every time you tackle them, they get one Jail Point. If you tackle somebody 10 times, they gotta go to jail. Jail is either gonna be the locker room or this really big rock. We haven’t decided yet.

And I’m gonna tell my men that the hash marks are deadly poisonous snakes, and if you step on em, you’re dead. And also the end zone is lava, but if you go in there while holding a football, it can’t hurt you. Oh, and you’re totally safe if you’re standing on the sidelines, but if someone comes off of the field and touches you, you have to stay frozen for like five minutes.

Why are we gonna win this game? Because we got a great defense, we got a great ground game, we’ve got a lot of last-minute wins under our belt, and also the commissioner told me totally get a pizza party if we win this game.

What’s that? Ben Roethlisberger called no-backsies-no-givesies? You can’t do that before the game starts! That butthead!

Football

Mike Florio Does Not Believe in Private Parts

florio.jpgTo me, the upshot of this whole Rex Ryan foot fetish fiasco is that the Jets really should have done a more thorough background check before they hired him. Embarrassing online videos like this can completely derail a team’s season. Just look at what happened to the Rams back in 2005 when that footage surfaced of head coach Winnebago Man.

If you remember, Rex Ryan was passed over for the Ravens head coaching job two years ago, even though he was a highly regarded coordinator at the time. Now, I’m not saying the Ravens knew anything about these disgusting, shameful videos when they made that decision. But I am saying that I’m heavily implying it in a way that could not get me sued for libel.

Of course, I believe in every person’s right to privacy, no matter what kind of dirty, sinful non-procreative sexual nastiness they may get up to in their own horrible homes. But I also believe that you forfeit that right to privacy if you post a video of yourself to the internet. Or if someone steals a video from you and posts it without your knowledge. Or if someone has taken footage of you from across a darkened alley. You’re just asking for trouble if your goings-on can be filmed from 300 feet away with a high-powered telescopic night-vision camera.

In my book, the fact that you’re even mentioned in any way on the internet means you are fair game–particularly if you are mentioned on my site Pro Football Talk, which is mine, by me, Mike Florio. If you wanted to remain so private, maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to be good at football in the internet age. Don’t blame me for your poor life choices, buddy.

If I had received this tip about Rex Ryan, would I have run with it? Absolutely. Fans pay a lot of money to watch and root for their teams, and they have the right to know if the head coach’s wife is a complete freak in the sack. And fans of opposing teams have the right to a fresh batch of heckle fodder.

Not to mention my obligation as a fully accredited, NBC-approved Rumor-monger. If a rumor like this came my way, it would be my duty to report it. If I didn’t, that would make me no better than The New York Times, which decided to ignore this story for a whole day. They denied themselves the opportunity to put a picture of Rex Ryan’s filthy, filthy wife on their front page with a hilarious headline, like the Daily News did.

And to those who say these sordid details have nothing to do with his job, they do once I report on them. At that point, all the media attention that I focus on Rex becomes a potential distraction, thus forcing me to ask my Jets sources how he’s dealing with it. And then I would also have to ask myself how I managed to snag such a scoop and be so handsome at the same time.