Tag Archives: rex ryan

Football

Rex Ryan “Apologizes”

Thumbnail image for rexryan.jpgI am TRULY sorry for flipping off someone at an MMA fight in Miami this weekend. That behavior was unacceptable and I’m sorry if I EMBARRASSED the Jets organization.

Yes, it was wrong of me to attend a private event and be heckled by drunk idiots all night. In the future, I will be more careful about being in the presence of inebriated, foul-mouthed morons for extended periods of time.

Sure, extending my middle finger to someone was probably the least offensive thing occurring in that arena at the time, as I sat 50 feet away from two men beating each other mercilessly in a quote-unquote sport that’s one step removed from bum fights. Not to mention that one of those men was a retired running back whose presence turned an already sordid event into a full-blown freak show.

But hey, none of that makes what I did any less wrong. Nor does the Daily News and Post sanctimoniously tsk-tsking me for my “shocking” actions, while also putting a picture of said shocking action on their front pages. Not to mention that one of those papers has no problem running a regular advice column penned by a former hooker. No, their rampant hypocrisy does not excuse what I did.

Finally, I want to make it clear that my apology is completely sincere, despite the fact that I’ve been making an exaggerated jerk-off gesture the entire time I delivered it.

Football

Rex Ryan Thinks the Jets Are Best at Everything Ever

rexryan.jpgBefore Saturday’s MIND BLOWING playoff win in Cincinnati, I handed out a full practice and travel schedule to my team, which included a trip to the Super Bowl. And I took a lot of heat for being so presumptuous. But who’s laughing now? Rex Ryan, that’s who. And Rex Ryan is ME.

I handed out that schedule because I believe the Jets are that good. There is no reason we can not make it to the big dance. Hell, there’s no reason we can’t go to the Super Bowl eight years in a row. I DEFY you to tell me we can’t.

In fact, this team can do anything it puts it mind to. I honestly believe this isn’t simply isn’t the best football team of all time, but possibly the most talented collection of individuals to ever walk the EARTH.

If we decided to play baseball, we’d be better than the 1927 Yankees. If we decided to play basketball, we’d be better than the Jordan-and-Pippen-era Bulls. If we decided to play hockey, I have no idea who we could be compared to because we’d be so good, we’d obliterate all memory of previous teams. And also because I’m not that big a hockey fan and can’t think of any historically good hockey teams.

We are possibly the most skilled artists in the world, too. You should see Justin Keller’s watercolors. He painted a prairie landscape that, I’m not ashamed to admit, brought me to tears. Nick Mangold is singlehandedly reviving the lost art of mosaics. And Braylon Edwards’ mural work is, quite frankly, UNPRECEDENTED. If Picasso were alive and saw his murals, he’d set that piece of shit “Guernica” on fire and kill himself out of shame. That’s a FACT.

We’re also the greatest congregation of literary wits ever. You should hear the conversations we have during the postgame buffets. They make the Algonquin Roundtable sound like a buncha retards. Darrelle Revis let me read the manuscript for his new novel, and it was the most moving thing I’ve ever read. It changed me. It will ROCK American letters, just like he rocks unsuspecting wide receivers every Sunday.

Look, every coach believes in his team. That’s half a coach’s job. I just think that one day, people will worship the New York Jets instead of Jesus Christ. Why is that so outrageous?