Tag Archives: pointless nostalgia

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: The Year I Destroyed Christmas

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

broken-christmas.jpgI got caught up in Christmas each year as a little kid, as most little kids do. Putting up the tree, decorating the house, pulling out my collection of Christmas LPs. My favorite was the Sesame Street Christmas Album, and ironically, my favorite tune on that record was Oscar the Grouch singing “I Hate Christmas”. I also recall a Disney Christmas album, though I can’t remember much of its content, except a version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” where Goofy kept singing “five…onion rings! hyuk!” (Learning disabilities are funny!)

But obviously, the presents were the biggest reason I loved Christmas. I didn’t just get stuff as a matter of course as a kid, mostly because my immediate family didn’t have enough dough to get stuff with. So Christmas brought the promise of a decent haul of toys, and at least one Big Thing for me and my brothers to share.

The biggest one of all came when, after lusting after it for years, I finally got an Atari. I can still remember two of my uncles hooking it up to our TV, and then testing it out, and then playing with it for far too long, or what felt like far too long to me, because I thought my head might explode if I had to wait any longer to use it.

When you don’t get many toys for a good chunk of the year, the stakes for Christmas are raised to a ridiculous height. You want EVERYTHING right then, because you know if you don’t get it, you’re SOL for the rest of the year. So even though I wasn’t a greedy or ungrateful kid (at least I like to think I wasn’t), I could get carried away at Christmastime. Which I definitely did one fateful December 25.
Continue reading Holiday Horrors: The Year I Destroyed Christmas →

Seasonal Fare, The Funny

Turkey Day, the Most Holiest of Holidays

I cannot think of Thanksgiving without also thinking of the annual Turkey Day marathons that once came with them. In the early/mid 1990s, Comedy Central would turn over its broadcasting day to a non-stop showing of Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favoritest show ever.

If I recall correctly, it was a Turkey Day Marathon that turned me on to MST3K in the first place. I didn’t even have cable, but an older cousin hipped me to its basic premise, and it certainly sounded like it was up my alley. One Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house, I just happened to flip on Comedy Central as they were airing the “Crash of the Moons” episode. It was love at first sight.

My grandfather, who did not cuss lightly, wondered “What the hell is this?” with genuine bewilderment. But he still indulged my obsession by allowing me to set up a timer recording on his VCR, so I could tape it every night at midnight and bring it home to watch.

“I don’t get that show at all,” Grampa would say, but he let me monopolize his TV (and cable box) anyway. He was a saint.

I am decidedly a Joel partisan; his shows had a goofiness and silliness that kept them from being too mean-spirited, and I think that was lost when he left. However, my favorite Turkey Day bumpers might be these from the Mike Era, which bring back many characters from over the years: Mr. B Natural, The Kitten with the Whip, and Pitch, among others. Plus, Mike reprises two classic roles: the preternaturally ebullient Jack Perkins, and crooner Michael Feinstein (much to the delight of Dr. Forrester).

Pointless Nostalgia, Pointless Nostalgia Video, Videocracy

Internet Gauntlet Thrown: Heinz Homestyle Gravy

The results of my first Internet Gauntlet throwing remain inconclusive. However, I still feel confident hurling another one. Because that’s what leaders do, they charge right ahead, regardless of results or consequences.

Around Thanksgiving, a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of gravy. And when I think of gravy, I inevitably think of an ad that aired during my childhood. This commercial always cracked up both of my grandparents, possibly because it featured an elderly couple who (barely) resembled themselves.

The ad in question was for Heinz Homestyle Gravy. The narrator regaled the aforementioned couple with all of the preparation and care that went into the making of their product, insisting it was just as good as gravy you could make in your own kitchen. With each point the narrator made, the wife responded, “Oh really?” At the very end of the ad, when the narrator insists it’s exactly the same as homemade, the husband quips, “Oh yeah? Where are the lumps?” As he chuckles, the wife shoots him a withering look, and he croaks out a sheepish, “oh no…” realizing he is now in the doghouse.

There are versions of this ad on the internets. Here’s the most common example:

But I declare this version the most ripe of shit from bulls. This is not the original ad. How do I know? Because the original was longer, for one thing; this video is 15 seconds long, and I’m sure the original was a standard 30 second spot.

Secondly, I distinctly remember one key aspect of the joke at the end, something that made it so funny. In the original version, the husband still has a smile on his face, and is looking right at his wife, when he says “oh no…” That made it much funnier than this redux version, where the husband mugs, double-takes, and speaks right into the camera. The earlier version had subtlety. Don’t try to pass off this Velveeta as fine cheddar, Heinz.

So the Internet Gauntlet I am now throwing: Somebody find me the original, 30-second version of this ad. I know it’s lurking out there somewhere. You have the power to bring this to light! You are the people we’ve been waiting for!