Tag Archives: media morons

Blatant Homerism Theatre, in Conjunction with Lack of Historical Perspective, Brings You a Jayson Stark Production

The great thing about sports in general–and baseball in particular, I think–is that it turns adults into little kids again. It makes us marvel at amazing feats, believe in miracles…

/the theme from The Natural swells

Sorry, almost had a Costner moment there. Schmaltz aside, sports are fun because they can bring us unbridled joy and enthusiasm. We can all go a little nuts when our team wins The Big Game, pump our fists and proclaim THAT’S THE BEST DAMN GAME I’VE EVER SEEN!

And when I say “we”, I mean “the fans”. That should not include members of the media, who are paid to be impartial and stoic and have a sense of perspective during even the most thrilling moments. Jayson Stark of ESPN must have missed that day at J-school, because he busted out a column about game 4 of the NLCS that blew my mind with its complete lack of historic perspective or rational thought.

When last we met Mr. Stark, he was advising the Mets (via anonymous MLB scouts) to trade Jose Reyes. So his judgment is already suspect in my eyes. My opinion of him has not been elevated by his piece about Monday night’s thriller, entitled “Phillies walk off into history”.

He sets the scene with a series of one-sentence paragraphs, describing how the Phillies were down to their last strike when Jimmy Rollins belted a two-run double into the right field gap, completing a come-from-behind victory and putting Philadelphia on top three games to one in the series.

It was a dramatic win, to say the least. It deserves some dramatic prose. What it does not deserve is to be described as “an October baseball game that is going to be talked about for the rest of our lifetimes.”

Maybe Stark has powers of prognostication that I don’t. But “talked about for the rest of our lifetimes”?! This was, at best, the third-best playoff game played in the past week. It was the second-best playoff game played that day. Games 2 and 3 of this year’s ALCS–extra-inning, tension-filled marathons–were both better.
Continue reading Blatant Homerism Theatre, in Conjunction with Lack of Historical Perspective, Brings You a Jayson Stark Production

Glenn Beck Will Save America with Classic Commercials

glennbeck.jpgDo you remember that simpler time in America? Do you remember how that felt? Do you remember this commercial?

glennbeck.jpgYes, there was a time when tow-headed young boys could give Cokes to famous defensive linemen. And the linemen would give the children sweaty souvenirs! When was the last time you saw that in Obama’s America? What has happened to our nation? Or how about this, do you remember this?

glennbeck.jpgWe were all Peppers back then! No one saw color! It didn’t
matter if you were a boatin’ Pepper, a totin’ Pepper, a cookin’ Pepper,
or a good lookin’ Pepper! It didn’t even matter if you were Popeye! We
all danced on the deck of a Staten Island Ferry boat! Only when I look
at ads like this do I realize how much we’ve lost! Still not convinced?
How about this, do you remember this?
Continue reading Glenn Beck Will Save America with Classic Commercials

Inside the Actors’ Studio with Mike Francesa

fran1.jpgWelcome bu-hack to Inside the Actors’ Studio. I’m yaw host, Mike Francesa. In addition to knowing everything there is to know about spawts, I’m also a cineaste extraordinaire. This is the show where I tawk to some of the best actors in the history of Hollywood films. Some of the greats. Some of the legends. Some of the biggest stars. And I have one of em next to me right now. His name is Richard Dreyfuss. Richard, welcome to the program.
dreyfuss.jpgThanks, Mike. I can hear you, but it’s hard to see you past this heaping mountain of snacks you have on the desk between us.
fran1.jpgI draw my strength from the aroma of unopened Malomars. Now, Richard, you’ve appeared in some of the biggest films of awl time. Some of the hugest films. Some of the real big ones. Which one was your favorite?
dreyfuss.jpgOh, it’s so hard to say. Movies are almost like your kids, you know: You love em all! Ha ha! There’s just…
fran1.jpgIt’s Mr. Holland’s Opus, isn’t it?
dreyfuss.jpgThat was certainly an enjoyable film to make.
fran1.jpgYour favorite film was Mr. Holland’s Opus.
dreyfuss.jpgI don’t think I’d say that, Mike. I mean, it was a fantastic experience, but I always come back to Jaws, the movie that really…
fran1.jpgJaws?! Are you tellin me you like Jaws more than Mr. Holland’s Opus?
dreyfuss.jpgMike, it’s not really question of liking one more than the other…
fran1.jpgMISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS WAS ABOUT A BELOVED TEACHER FALLING IN LOVE WITH MUSIC AGAIN! JAWS IS ABOUT A SHAWK! HOW CAN YOU PICK JAWS OVER MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS?! YER OUTTA YA MIND IF YOU THINK THAT!!

/17 minute pause

IF YOU THINK JAWS IS A BETTAH FILM, YOU ARE LOST! LU-HOST!

/massive gulp of Diet Coke

Alright, we got Frankie on the caw phone. Frankie, what’s up?

Thanks, Mike. I love the show. I worhship the ground you walk on. I cherish the six hours your show is on much more than the time I spend with my stupid wife and children.

fran1.jpgGo on.
My question is, when Mr. Dreyfuss was making that mashed potato Devil’s Mountain in Close Encounters, did he really…

fran1.jpgWait, you wanna ask a Close Encounters question? I have the staw of Mr. Holland’s Opus here, and you wanna ask a Close Encounters question?

dreyfuss.jpgI’d be happy to answer it…

fran1.jpgDid you evah see Mr. Holland’s Opus, Frankie?

I think so, maybe on a plane once. I don’t remember it too well.

fran1.jpgI HAVE THE STAW OF MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS HEAH, AND YOU WANNA ASK HIM ABOUT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS? YOU GOTTA BE OUTTA YAW MIND! WHY DON’TCHA AKS HIM ABOUT THE TOUCHING SCENE WHERE HE HEARS HIS SYMPHONY PERFAWMED BY HIS FORMER STUDENTS?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT DIDN’T MOVE YOU TO TEARS?!


Um, like I said, I don’t remember it too well.

fran1.jpgBECAUSE I WEPT LIKE A BABY!

Mike, please don’t yell at me! You’re the only ray of sunshine in my life!   

fran1.jpgRidiculous. Get this guy off.

/click

Mark, Chris, Bill, whatever my producer’s name is. This is the kinda question you let on the air? So that’s what we’re doin now. This is how we produce a show. Okay. Fine.

/dismissive snort

Alright, now it’s time faw my Mawquis Quiz.

dreyfuss.jpgI thought it was called the Proust Questionnaire.
fran1.jpgThis first one is easy: Who scawed the first safety in Super Bowl history?
dreyfuss.jpgUm…you know, I’m not a huge football fan.
fran1.jpgTAKE A GUESS, RICHARD! TAKE A GUESS!
dreyfuss.jpgUm…Terry Bradshaw?
fran1.jpgTERRY BRADSHAW?! HOW IS QUAWTABACK GONNA SCORE A SAFETY?! YOU AW LU-HOST!
dreyfuss.jpgYou seem to be running the show fine by yourself. Maybe I should just leave.
fran1.jpgNOT UNTIL YOU SHARE HILARIOUS STORIES FROM THE SET OF “THE EDUCATION OF MAX BICKFORD”!

Hat tip to @kranepool, whose tweet inspired this opus.