Tag Archives: jets

Football, Sean from Massapequa

2010 AFC East Preview, by Sean from Massapequa

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. First up, frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa will preview the AFC East.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI know I normally write about baseball on this site, but trust me, I know my football. I work for the City, which gives me plenty a time to dick around on the internet and do my research. And according to my research, there’s only four words you need to know about the AFC East this year: J-E-T-S!

Normally, those are letters, but when you’re talkin about the Jets, each letter is so powerful it becomes its own word. There’s a term for this in science, but I forget what it is.

Now that Darelle Revis has finally signed an extension, there is no stopping this team. NONE. We got Revis, we got Sanchez, we got LDT, we got Santonio Holmes, and we got Rex Ryan, the best damn coach this team has ever had. Ya hear that, Weeb Ewbank? Screw you and that weird-ass name a yours.

We are gonna stomp the whole damn league this year. You heard Rex on Hard Knocks, didn’t you? And if you did hear him, what did he say? I can’t watch that show now that the next door neighbor I’m stealin cable from don’t get HBO no more.

Who’s standing in the Jets’ way? The Patriots? They got nothin cept Tom Brady, and what’s he done? Yeah, three Super Bowl rings, but that was all cuz of the secret cameras they was usin. You know when Brady was hurt most a the year in 2008? Commissioner Goodell secretly suspended him for installing a surveillance system in the visitor’s locker room. Just like when Michael Jordan “played baseball” for a year. That is a known fact.

The Dolphins? We took Jason Taylor away from them schmucks, they’re done. Yeah, I guess Brandon Marshall should be pretty good this season hookin up with Chad Henne, but here’s what I’m sayin: what if he’s not? You won’t hear the liberal media reportin that.

As for Buffalo, sometimes I think it’s kinda sad what’s happened to them. They went to four Super Bowls in a row, and now they’re just a joke. But then I remembered I bet on the Bills in every one a dem Super Bowls, so fuck em. If I ever see Jim Kelly in the street, I’m gonna make him eat a brick.

Yup, the Jets are gonna have a banner year. Not that I’m gonna get to see much of it. I used to get into all the games for free thanks to my buddy, Tony. His company took care a the sanitation at Giants Stadium. All’s I had to do was wear an orange jacket and pick up a coupla plastic beer cups.

But now that the Meadowlands got a brand new arena, the Jets don’t wanna give a break to small, local business owners with no-bid contracts no more. I guess Tony’s RICO conviction didn’t help, neither. Hey, find me a trash hauler in Jersey that hasn’t killed a few guys, I dare you!

The Jets gotta do it this year. Cuz after the last four years of the Mets shitting the bed, this is all I got to look forward to. That’s right, Jets: win it all or I end it all! And you’re gonna have a lotta blood on your hands, Jets, cuz I fully intend to take out a lot of innocent people with me.

J-ET-S! JETS! JETS JETS!

Football

Rex Ryan “Apologizes”

Thumbnail image for rexryan.jpgI am TRULY sorry for flipping off someone at an MMA fight in Miami this weekend. That behavior was unacceptable and I’m sorry if I EMBARRASSED the Jets organization.

Yes, it was wrong of me to attend a private event and be heckled by drunk idiots all night. In the future, I will be more careful about being in the presence of inebriated, foul-mouthed morons for extended periods of time.

Sure, extending my middle finger to someone was probably the least offensive thing occurring in that arena at the time, as I sat 50 feet away from two men beating each other mercilessly in a quote-unquote sport that’s one step removed from bum fights. Not to mention that one of those men was a retired running back whose presence turned an already sordid event into a full-blown freak show.

But hey, none of that makes what I did any less wrong. Nor does the Daily News and Post sanctimoniously tsk-tsking me for my “shocking” actions, while also putting a picture of said shocking action on their front pages. Not to mention that one of those papers has no problem running a regular advice column penned by a former hooker. No, their rampant hypocrisy does not excuse what I did.

Finally, I want to make it clear that my apology is completely sincere, despite the fact that I’ve been making an exaggerated jerk-off gesture the entire time I delivered it.

Football

Rex Ryan Thinks the Jets Are Best at Everything Ever

rexryan.jpgBefore Saturday’s MIND BLOWING playoff win in Cincinnati, I handed out a full practice and travel schedule to my team, which included a trip to the Super Bowl. And I took a lot of heat for being so presumptuous. But who’s laughing now? Rex Ryan, that’s who. And Rex Ryan is ME.

I handed out that schedule because I believe the Jets are that good. There is no reason we can not make it to the big dance. Hell, there’s no reason we can’t go to the Super Bowl eight years in a row. I DEFY you to tell me we can’t.

In fact, this team can do anything it puts it mind to. I honestly believe this isn’t simply isn’t the best football team of all time, but possibly the most talented collection of individuals to ever walk the EARTH.

If we decided to play baseball, we’d be better than the 1927 Yankees. If we decided to play basketball, we’d be better than the Jordan-and-Pippen-era Bulls. If we decided to play hockey, I have no idea who we could be compared to because we’d be so good, we’d obliterate all memory of previous teams. And also because I’m not that big a hockey fan and can’t think of any historically good hockey teams.

We are possibly the most skilled artists in the world, too. You should see Justin Keller’s watercolors. He painted a prairie landscape that, I’m not ashamed to admit, brought me to tears. Nick Mangold is singlehandedly reviving the lost art of mosaics. And Braylon Edwards’ mural work is, quite frankly, UNPRECEDENTED. If Picasso were alive and saw his murals, he’d set that piece of shit “Guernica” on fire and kill himself out of shame. That’s a FACT.

We’re also the greatest congregation of literary wits ever. You should hear the conversations we have during the postgame buffets. They make the Algonquin Roundtable sound like a buncha retards. Darrelle Revis let me read the manuscript for his new novel, and it was the most moving thing I’ve ever read. It changed me. It will ROCK American letters, just like he rocks unsuspecting wide receivers every Sunday.

Look, every coach believes in his team. That’s half a coach’s job. I just think that one day, people will worship the New York Jets instead of Jesus Christ. Why is that so outrageous?