Tag Archives: giants

Eli Manning and Mark Sanchez Star in, Mixed Messages!

* knock knock *

eli.jpgHey Mark, it’s Eli from next door.
sanchez.jpgWhat’s up?
eli.jpgYou know how the mailman is always mixing up our deliveries? Well, I got this package and I opened it, but I didn’t realize it was for you. Sorry about that.
sanchez.jpgNo problem, it happens. What’s in the package?
eli.jpgA really shitty performance in a must-win game to close out your stadium.
sanchez.jpgWeird. I didn’t order one of those. In fact, the UPS guy just dropped off a surprisingly dominant performance in a must-win game to close out a stadium.
eli.jpgHuh. You sure that wasn’t for me?
sanchez.jpgThe label said “Jets” on it.
eli.jpgYou’re sure it said “Jets”?
sanchez.jpgPositive.
eli.jpgAw geez…now that I look at this package closer, yeah, it does have my name on it. I just, you know, was hoping maybe it didn’t. It seems like the kinda thing you’d get.
sanchez.jpgWell, I didn’t, so…
eli.jpgLike maybe the labels got mixed up at the…factory…or something…
sanchez.jpgSo that’s why you waited a week to bring it by?
eli.jpgIt’s the holidays. You know, everybody’s out of town, and parties…and stuff…I’ve just been so busy, you know?
sanchez.jpgListen, I gotta go pack for the playoffs, so…
eli.jpgPlayoffs, huh? Those are fun. I won a Super Bowl, you know.
sanchez.jpgThat was like three years ago, right?
eli.jpgI still won it!
sanchez.jpgAnd that was awesome! But I gotta split, okay? See you at the new place, okay?
/ slam
eli.jpgYou’re still gonna help me move, right?

Jerry Jones Wants Answers from this Stunning Collection of Contemporary Artwork

jjones.jpgGoddammit, I just built me a brand spankin’ football palace, and my team played like this was a sandlot! You fellas should be ashamed a’ yerselves! This was a disgrace, and I wants some answers! My boy Romo threw three picks last night. That is inexcusable! His head needs to be in the game! Someone dropped the ball on this one! What do you have to say for yourself, Franz Ackerman mural?
ackerman.jpgjjones.jpgYeah, I know that one pick was kind of a freak thing, but it came on a terrible throw! And what about our defense? We just let the Giants march up the field in the last minute and take this game! After we had ’em pinned at their end of the field, first and 20! Two third-down conversions! It’s like you’ve never dealt with a two-minute drill before, Gary Simmons’ “Blue Field Explosions”!
bluefieldexplosions.jpgjjones.jpgAnd special teams! Jesus, don’t even get me started on the special teams! I can’t even think of something particular ya did wrong, I’m so angry! An absolute embarrassment! You better have a damn good excuse, Doug Aitken lightbox sculpture!

aitken.jpgjjones.jpgAh, you always say that! I’ve had it with this bunch! If the world’s biggest collection of newly commissioned artwork by contemporary American artists can’t win me a football game, goddammit, I’ll commission me some more! And I’ll just keeps commissionin’ til we get us a Super Bowl ring! I got a boy right here what can make us champs again! His name’s Shepard. Shep, tell these losers what we got to do to get back on top!
obey.jpgjjones.jpgSee, that’s a man what knows how to win!

1999 Project: Games 135-140

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

99_ordonez.jpgSeptember 3, 1999: Rockies 5, Mets 2 (10)

The Mets began their homestand with an ugly incident reminiscent of their early season struggles. Rey Ordonez and backup shortstop Luis Lopez got into a fistfight while on the team bus to Shea, following their flight back from Houston. The fisticuffs were bad enough to give Ordonez a six-stitch gash over his eye.

The cause of the fight was unclear, although it was rumored that Ordonez tried to defend Jorge Toca (a fellow Cuban defector) against some rookie hazing. Both players kept the party line repeated by GM Steve Phillips, that they’d patched things up between them and there were no hard feelings. A few days later, after the dust settled, teammates would say they were surprised it took so long for someone to deck the abrasive Ordonez.

However, there were definitely hard feelings involved with a disappointing extra-inning loss to the Rockies. The Mets managed a mere two runs two runs against Colorado starter Jamey Wright, wasting two separate scoring opportunities with a man on third and only one out. Orel Hershiser pitched well enough to keep them in the game, and Pat Mahomes, Dennis Cook, and Armando Benitez combined to throw three scoreless innings.

Turk Wendell came on for the tenth and did not fare well, giving up a one-out walk to Todd Walker and a single to Dante Bichette. The righty had suffered a bit of a rough patch recently; ironically, it came after Bobby Valentine tried to give him a few days’ rest in the hopes of keeping his arm fresh down the stretch. (“The more I pitch, the better I get,” Wendell told reporters later. “Those six days off killed me”)

Valentine called on ex-Rockie Chuck McElroy to clean up Wendell’s mess. He struck out Todd Helton, but walked Vinny Castilla (who’d been 0 for 7 against McElroy previously) to load the bases. That brought up Met-for-a-minute Jeff Barry, who made his first, brief major league appearance for the team in 1995, then languished in the minors for the next four seasons.

“I felt real good for some reason before the game,” Barry said afterward. “I had a real good feeling about today.” He had reason to, since he went 3-for-3. His third hit was a bases-clearing double off of McElroy that put Colorado on top to stay. The loss dropped the Mets 4.5 games out of first in the NL East, their largest deficit since July, though a loss by the Reds maintained their four-game lead in the wild card standings.

Continue reading 1999 Project: Games 135-140