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Football

2010 NFC East Preview, with X47-21A

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Monsanto’s experiment number X47-21A, also known as the Cow-Boy.

cowman.jpgDespite my appearance, I enjoy football as much as any other red-blooded American male. I say ‘male’ rather than ‘man’ because I can not technically call myself a man. I’m not sure what I can call myself, as what I am exactly has not yet been determined by the FDA. Also, the UN has yet to decide if I have a right to exist, but until then, I will continue to watch the ol’ pigskin being tossed around.

Of course, it’s not an actual pigskin. The NFL uses a synthetic pigskin, made from a real synthetic pig. One of them used to stay in the same lab as me. His name was Gerald. I was real proud when he got into a Chargers-Raiders game a few seasons ago.

I watch lots of football in my room on the Monsanto Dynamic Solutions campus. I like it almost as much as when Dr. Tarsus allows me to stretch and graze in my lawn-pen. Naturally, people assume I’m a Cowboys fan, but I like the Texans better. We see them more often in our local market, and I love Andre Johnson. He moves like a gazelle. In fact, he moves a lot like this half-gazelle/half-jaguar creature that used to live here, last seen leaping the walls in a vain attempt at freedom. I heard they had to call in black helicopters to take him down.

However, I can recognize the Cowboys’ strengths, and I feel they shall prevail in the NFC East this season. I’m afraid they have too many offensive weapons, and their defense is too formidable, to be overtaken in what may shape up to be a weak division. Tony Romo finally proved he can win a playoff game, and though he faltered against Minnesota in the divisional round, he gained a lot of valuable experience.

I know there’s a lot of Cowboys haters out there, but please don’t shoot the messenger! I’ve gotten enough shots today as it is. I require 37 daily injections so my four stomachs won’t consume themselves.

There used to be a nice lady in a white coat who fed me from a bottle and stroked the nape of my neck. She is gone now.

I look up and down this division and see so many question marks. The Giants’ defense has been wracked by injury and ineffectiveness, and Eli Manning–despite having a Super Bowl ring–makes mistakes that a quarterback of his experience really should not. Much like my old keeper, Dr. Crenshaw, was devoured by his worst mistake, the fearsome Raptor-Man.

The Redskins, I’m afraid, having little going for them to begin with, and they certainly don’t need the Albert Haynesworth mess distracting them even further. Donovan McNabb might have something left in the tank, but who knows how long he can stay healthy.

I’d also like to call on Washington to eschew their racist nickname, as it is degrading and dehumanizing. I know what it’s like to be dehumanized, or at least to be never fully humanized.

As for the Eagles, regardless of the year McNabb has, I believe they will miss him. Relying on Kevin Kolb or Michael Vick to turn in a solid season is like relying on my fingers to stop reforming themselves into hooves.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke played on me and me alone.

I can’t say how far the Cowboys will go this year. Injuries can ruin any team’s chances, and perhaps some young rookie will emerge and energize another team into contention. But I think it’s safe to say they’re the team to beat in the NFC East. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to submit to my thrice daily nutrient-rich spine injection to prepare for the blood quickening.

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 29-31

Game 29: Giants 2, Mets 1
The Fake Mets could only scratch out one meager run against Fake Barry Zito, and that came on a ground-out double play by Fake David Wright in the first inning. Meanwhile, to further emphasize the inherent unfairness of MLB10:The Show, the Fake Giants tied the score in the fifth when Fake Bengie Molina hit a two-out triple (!) (no, seriously, (!)) that just eluded Fake Jeff Francoeur’s glove, then went ahead immediately thereafter on a Fake Freddy Sanchez RBI single. Fake Brian Wilson struck out the side in the ninth (around a Wright single that briefly gave the Fake Mets hope) to preserve the win.

In real life: K-Rod wasted a fine effort by Mike Pelfrey when he gave up a two-out, pinch-hit homer to John Bowker in the top of the ninth, but they salvaged a victory with a two-run walkoff homer by Rod Barajas in the bottom half.

Game 30: Mets 4, Giants 3
The Fake Giants took a 3-1 lead in the top of the sixth when a botched sac bunt play was followed by an inside-the-park home run by Fake Edgar Renteria (aided by the goblins inside MLB10:The Show, which refused to let me switch to the right fielder, who might have actually fielded the ball). But the Fake Mets rallied for 3 runs in the bottom of the ninth, the last scoring on a walkoff RBI double by Fake Jason Bay.

In real life: Once again, the bullpen allowed a starter’s fine outing to go by the wayside (Santana in this case) and let the Giants tie up the game late. And once again, a Mets catcher came to the rescue, as Henry Blanco hit a walkoff homer in the bottom of the 11th.

pufm031.pngGame 31: Mets 1, Giants 0
The Fake Mets could do almost nothing against the immortal (fake) Madison Bumgarner until Fake Jeff Francoeur hit a two-out single in the bottom of the seventh to plate Fake Jason Bay. Meanwhile, Fake Johan Santana flirted with history as he was perfect through 8 2/3 innings, but pinch hitter Fake Andres Torres hit a parachute single into shallow left field to break up the no-no. Johan stayed on to get the last out and give the Fake Mets a series win.

In real life: The Mets fought back to overcome an early 4-0 deficit (and the supremely crappy pitching of Oliver Perez) and tie the game, but Jenrry Mejia gave up a two-run shot to Aaron Rowand in the top of the ninth, which proved the difference in a 6-4 loss.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 14-17
Real Mets record: 17-14

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL West

Thumbnail image for dbacks2.jpgARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2009 record: 70-92

Local weather: Ball-meltingly hot

Namesake: Venemous rattlesnake responsible for the majority of fatal snakebites in northern Mexico, thus explaining why the Diamondbacks are Lou Dobbs’ favorite team.

Do they really play for the entire state of Arizona?: Yes, except for small pockets of Tempe. They know why.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Raising Arizona. Cease and desist letters from the Coen Brothers have proven ineffective.

Best name on 40-man roster: Clay Zavada (also owner of best mustache on team)

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Billy Buckner. Not the former Dodgers/Cubs/Red Sox first baseman, but a young relief pitcher. Still, you’d think teams would shy away from anyone named Billy Buckner.

Spring standout: Justin Upton, whose .324 batting average and 16 RBIs are an obvious attempt to shame his brother B.J.

Probable Opening Day starter: Dan Haren, whose hitched delivery is almost as confounding as his facial hair.

Biggest question for 2010: Will their talented core of young players once again prove woefully outmatched, or merely disappointing?

Advantage to start the season: Close proximity of spring training facility removes the disorienting effects of jet lag.

Semi-serious assessment: The Diamondbacks lineup is full of stars, near stars, or should-be stars like Upton, Stephen Drew, and Mark Reynolds (all of them born in years I actually remember, which depresses the shit out of me). But their rotation is Haren and not much else until Brandon Webb comes back from shoulder surgery. They’ll score a lot of runs, but they’ll give a lot up, too, especially in their home park. Even in a relatively weak division, I don’t see how they finish much better than .500 this year.

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