With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. First up, frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa will preview the AFC East.
I know I normally write about baseball on this site, but trust me, I know my football. I work for the City, which gives me plenty a time to dick around on the internet and do my research. And according to my research, there’s only four words you need to know about the AFC East this year: J-E-T-S!
Normally, those are letters, but when you’re talkin about the Jets, each letter is so powerful it becomes its own word. There’s a term for this in science, but I forget what it is.
Now that Darelle Revis has finally signed an extension, there is no stopping this team. NONE. We got Revis, we got Sanchez, we got LDT, we got Santonio Holmes, and we got Rex Ryan, the best damn coach this team has ever had. Ya hear that, Weeb Ewbank? Screw you and that weird-ass name a yours.
We are gonna stomp the whole damn league this year. You heard Rex on Hard Knocks, didn’t you? And if you did hear him, what did he say? I can’t watch that show now that the next door neighbor I’m stealin cable from don’t get HBO no more.
Who’s standing in the Jets’ way? The Patriots? They got nothin cept Tom Brady, and what’s he done? Yeah, three Super Bowl rings, but that was all cuz of the secret cameras they was usin. You know when Brady was hurt most a the year in 2008? Commissioner Goodell secretly suspended him for installing a surveillance system in the visitor’s locker room. Just like when Michael Jordan “played baseball” for a year. That is a known fact.
The Dolphins? We took Jason Taylor away from them schmucks, they’re done. Yeah, I guess Brandon Marshall should be pretty good this season hookin up with Chad Henne, but here’s what I’m sayin: what if he’s not? You won’t hear the liberal media reportin that.
As for Buffalo, sometimes I think it’s kinda sad what’s happened to them. They went to four Super Bowls in a row, and now they’re just a joke. But then I remembered I bet on the Bills in every one a dem Super Bowls, so fuck em. If I ever see Jim Kelly in the street, I’m gonna make him eat a brick.
Yup, the Jets are gonna have a banner year. Not that I’m gonna get to see much of it. I used to get into all the games for free thanks to my buddy, Tony. His company took care a the sanitation at Giants Stadium. All’s I had to do was wear an orange jacket and pick up a coupla plastic beer cups.
But now that the Meadowlands got a brand new arena, the Jets don’t wanna give a break to small, local business owners with no-bid contracts no more. I guess Tony’s RICO conviction didn’t help, neither. Hey, find me a trash hauler in Jersey that hasn’t killed a few guys, I dare you!
The Jets gotta do it this year. Cuz after the last four years of the Mets shitting the bed, this is all I got to look forward to. That’s right, Jets: win it all or I end it all! And you’re gonna have a lotta blood on your hands, Jets, cuz I fully intend to take out a lot of innocent people with me.
J-ET-S! JETS! JETS JETS!