Pointless Nostalgia

Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?!

Before I was a parent, I always wanted to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads whose reactions to upsetting World News always boils down to “What will we tell the children?!” It seemed such a narcissistic and narrow view of the universe, that all human endeavors should be slotted into one of two categories: Good/Bad For The Stupid Fruit Of My Loins.

F’rinstance, during the Great Clinton Blowjob Scandal, supposedly the biggest problem our nation faced was how to explain the whole sordid episode to the kiddies. Of less importance, apparently, was the fact that the nation was thrown into a Constitutional crisis because our Commander-in-Chief wanted a hummer. Or that the same Guardians of Decency who wanted to punish him for said “offense” had no problem discussing the intimate details of The Presidential Schlong on TV.

But I also used to think that, as a non-parent, it wasn’t really my place to tell folks with children how to feel. Maybe I would become just as prudish as Helen Lovejoy once I reproduced.

Now, I have reproduced. And I return to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads.

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Life In These United States, Parental Guidance

Playing Catch-Up

Hello, and happy new year to all. As will become abundantly clear, the post below was written before Xmas. I never got a chance to post it, so now here it is in all its outdated glory. Enjoy, and I will have more timely stuff posted very very soon.

The Baby has made a few forays into Outer Space (= Not The Living Room) in her first few weeks on planet earth, but most of these trips have been to relatives’ houses. Friendly territory, where she gets poked and prodded and photographed until her psychological defense mechanisms kick in and render her catatonic. So we thought it might be a good idea to toughen the girl up, get her out of the house and acquainted with the evil world that will one day crush her fragile spirit once she’s sufficiently cognizant to realize its true depths. Fun!

My original plan was to teach her some survival skills. We would drive out to the Meadowlands and drop her off in a tied-up sack with a map and some C-rations, to see if she could find her way home. But The Wife suggested that this might be seen as child abuse.

So we did something more acceptable to society but no less cruel–we took her to the mall. We had Xmas shopping to do, and there’s only so many people you can buy hilariously ironic eBay gifts for. “Here, Uncle Phil, have this Lucky Strike ad clipped out of 1954 issue of Collier’s. It’s funny ‘cuz it’s old!”

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Adtacular

Video Clips Rejected from the “This Is Our Country” Commercials

* Rugged-looking men in cowboy hats at a diner argue over how to split a check seven ways.

* Amelia Earhart suppresses a belch.

* A man proudly polishes his classic convertible, oblivious to the rusted undercarriage that has completely destroyed its resale value.

* Apple-cheeked kids choose up sides for a sandlot baseball game, with the one unpicked child running home to write a devastating three-act play about isolation and despair.

* Abraham Lincoln pulls an ambulance out of a ditch thanks to the amazing towing capacity of his Chevy Silverado.

* A tearful elderly veteran salutes a parade, unaware it is a part of local Gay Pride Day festivities.

* Football fans in a sports bar cheer as the opposing quarterback suffers a torn Achilles tendon.

* Hippies dance barefoot in a verdant field, are tear-gassed by National Guard troops.

* An office worker laughs nervously at his boss’s vaguely racist joke.

* President Warren G. Harding waves to an unseen crowd, the weary smile on his face indicative of the physical and emotional toll of the Teapot Dome Scandal.

* Middle-aged men enjoy river rafting while contemplating the benefits of natural male enhancement.

* Giddy newlyweds burst through a church doorway, pursued by angry parishioners.

* Grainy kinetoscope footage of Thomas Edison, where it totally looks like he’s flipping off the camera.

* A woodsman takes a break from his hard work, rests on a stack of felled trees, is promptly attacked by wolves.

* Construction workers mill around at a job site, wondering where the hell the new guy is with the coffee.

* Teddy Roosevelt returns an ill-fitting pair of jeans to the Gap, without a receipt.

* A grandmother leaves an apple pie at her kitchen window to cool, sighs, looks deeply and utterly hopeless.

* Bobbysoxers scream for Frank Sinatra, are tear-gassed by National Guard troops.

* A carefree young girl blows bubbles, triggers a unexpectedly violent allergic reaction for her mother.

* Enraged man punches temperamental office copy machine, injures his hand, brings unwanted attention from his supervisor.

* Vince Lombardi kicks Saddam Hussein in the crotch.

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants