Thanks for coming to my office, Tom. Please, sit down.
I do not require a seat at this particular juncture.
Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll cut right to the chase. We know you’ve made a lot of strides in your rehab, but the Braves organization has made the decision to release you.
I understand.
I know this won’t make it any easier, but this was purely a financial decision for us. In these times, we simply can’t afford to put you on the major league roster.
I concur that such a course of action could prove fiscally disadvantageous in the current economic climate. Particularly when it hinges on a pitcher of my advanced age and recent injury history.
Tom, I want you to know that this decision was really heartbreaking for us. You’ve meant so much to the Braves, and we know the fans won’t be happy about this.
Perhaps, but one shouldn’t let such emotional considerations interfere with the conducting of one’s business.
I thought you’d be more shocked to hear this. Or at least a little bit shocked.
‘Shock’ is a word that has no meaning for me. There is only probability. A more appropriate word for this particular contingency is ‘unlikely’, as, according my calculations, I had only a 7.53% chance of being released before this moment. Of course, over time, the likelihood of all events veers either toward 100% or 0% certitude.
I meant, this is the team you came up with, the team you won a World Series with, you won a bajillion division titles with…
I am aware of all these past events, having participated in them. I’m not quite quite sure what point you are attempting to convey.
What I mean is, I thought this news would stir up more emotions in you.
No, that would be impossible. Prior to my junior year of high school, I found myself imprisoned in a profound depression that negatively impacted my ability to pitch. So I endured an experimental surgical procedure called an empathectomy. It was originally developed as part of the CIA’s MK-ULTRA project to help breed an army of remorseless super-assassins, but Dr. James Andrews was able to learn the procedure’s secrets and develop it for more benign purposes. I believe it is now popularly referred to as Tommy Glavine Surgery.
How do they even do that?
I have no memories of the procedure, or of any part of my life prior to it. Due to the pure physical trauma required by the procedure, my brain has eliminated all recollection of it as a psychological defense mechanism. Regardless, the procedure left me unable to feel any human emotion and transformed me into the future Hall of Famer you see before you.
You can’t feel any emotions at all? No joy? Fear? Ecstasy? Anguish?
None of these.
Not even devastation?
Particularly not devastation. Perhaps some emotions are best unfelt.
I don’t know, that sounds like horrifying way to live.
Perhaps it would be, if I could feel horror.
I guess there’s nothing more to do but to shake your hand and wish you good luck…yikes, your hand is as cold as ice! You’re not sick, are you?
No, my blood has simply been removed and is currently being fortified in a powerful nutrient-rich incubus of my own design.
Wow. I am profoundly disturbed.
As would I be, were I able.