Politics Schmolitics

Governor Sanford Has a Lost Weekend

sanford.jpgWhere have I been? Out. I went out.

I was gone for four days? No, I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure I was just out for the afternoon.

Today’s Wednesday? Really? Yeah, I guess I was gone for four days. Boy, time flies when you’re…well, you know.

Where did I go? Hiking. Took a little hike. You know how I love to hike, honey. Can’t get enough of that hiking.

What’s this? A duty free bag. They got some great stuff in them stores. I got a hundred Kit Kats for, like, five bucks.

Yeah, I was at the airport. Why?

Oh, I see. My staff told you I was on the Appalachian Trail. That’s where the whole misunderstanding comes from. See, they have code phrases they use so no one else can figure out where I am. So when they said I was “hiking on the Appalachian Trail”, what they meant was I was on a very important diplomatic mission to…France. Qatar. Argentina-land.

I meant Argentina! See, sometimes we use “France” and “Qatar” as, um, alternating code words for “Buenos Aires”. See, I’m getting myself all mixed up now!

I know I said I was hiking. That was because of the hiking code word, so I got that all mixed up with…you know, I’m so confused from the trip and the jet lag and the secret code words and whatnot, I think I’m gonna turn in early tonight…

What was I doing in Buenos Aires? Oooh, that’s a good question. It was a diplomatic mission, honey. You know how those are. Just trying to get the Argentinians to be more, um, diplomatic. Can’t say too much about it, though. Pretty hush hush, you see.

Why was I on a diplomatic mission for the current president, who I don’t like very much? Boy, that’s another good question. You are just full of them today! Well, honey, some things are bigger than partisan politics. And I would love to tell what those things are, I really would! But I am just so bushed from my flight, I think I’ll just go hit the hay right now! *yawn*

Why was this trip such a big secret? It wasn’t a secret, honey! Sure, I left for several days and didn’t tell you or anyone else where I was going, but that doesn’t make it a secret!

Okay, fine, that does make it a secret. Technically. We’re not gonna argue semantics, are we? Because I could do the same thing back to you! What does the word “secret” mean, huh? Think about it!

Jeez! Can’t the executive of a state of the union go completely off the grid for a long weekend to commit certain unnamed deeds without it being a huge deal?

Tell you what. Why don’t you fix me a scotch and we’ll go watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 on Tivo. Sound like a plan? Great.

Oh, and honey? If you ever tell the press you don’t know where I am again, you’re gonna wind up with a pair of cement shoes. Got it?

Good. Thanks, sweetie! Still waiting on that scotch!

Adtacular

Why Yes, I Do Have Time for Joint Pain

pain.jpgI’m a busy man with an active lifestyle. A lot of people count on me at my job. And a lot of people count on me at home. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have time for joint pain. On the contrary, I take time every day to have at least one crippling bout of arthritis.

Some guys my age slap on some Ben-Gay, others take prescription drugs. I even have a golf buddy who swears by acupuncture. Not me, though. I set aside an hour a day to make sure I can find myself beset with agonizing rheumatism flare-ups.

Because only when you’re in the midst of true suffering do you really know the complete limits of the self. Only then can you know exactly what you’re capable of, and how much you can withstand. Am I right, people?

Everyone’s coming and going so fast in this crazy, mixed up world of ours. Why not take time to smell the roses? Or, alternatively, to find yourself in the grips of searing agony?

Of course, joint pain doesn’t just come and go on command. That’s why I make sure to put myself in an extra-humid environment, like a sauna, or the Everglades. That usually gets my bones a-achin’!

And if that doesn’t work, I sit on my hands in a weird stress position, until the blood flow’s constricted and my fingertips turn purple. Just like Mistress Ilsa taught me.

Ever had your pinkies smashed with a stiletto heel? How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

Y’ever see Hellraiser? I have. Sixty times. Truly underrated film. I think it’s got a lot to teach us. Don’t you?

How ’bout whips? Is that something you might be into? If you’re not, that’s cool. Just sayin’ is all.

So remember to take some time out of your busy schedule for pain. Nine out of ten dominatrices recommend injuring yourself at least four times a week. Jump down a flight of stairs. Hold a lit candle to your groin. Or just cut yourself! It works for me.

Pain: It can’t stop you unless you stop for it.

This message brought to you by your local Winger’s and The Pain Council. SUBMIT.

Baseball

Omar Minaya and Mike Francesa Star in *M*A*S*H*, CitiField Edition

fran1.jpgWelcome bu-hack to the program. My next guest is the general manager of the Mets, Omar Minaya, who’s gotta be feelin pretty blue these days. Run it down for me. What’s the litany of injuries?
minaya.jpgWell, Carlos Delgado’s got a torn labrum, Carlos Beltran’s got a bone bruise, Jose Reyes got hit by a fire truck, Ollie Perez has got seven swans a-swimming, and John Maine’s got six geese a laying. Although I’d rather be laying those eight maids a milking, right, Mikey? *honk* *honk* Say Mikey, I haven’t gotten a word in edgewise since I got here. You must’ve been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
fran1.jpgSince when do you talk like Groucho?
minaya.jpgSince when are you such a grouch, Mikey? Boy, if this room gets any livelier, a funeral’s gonna break out!
fran1.jpgAnd what’s that in your hand, a martini glass?
minaya.jpgI would’ve brought my brandy snifter, but it got shattered by a mortar at the 38th Parallel!
fran1.jpgMets fans think you’re not taking this situation seriously, that the season will soon slip away because of your inability to make a move to bolster the offense.
minaya.jpgI take this very seriously! You should see how much serious drinking I’ve been doing!
fran1.jpgWhat is your plan to fix the glaring deficiencies in this team?
minaya.jpgI’m not too worried, Mikey. You know what they say–there’s always more de-fish-in-the-seas. *honk* *honk*
fran1.jpgAre you gonna make a trade for this team, or are you just gonna sit around and crack jokes while the team falls apart?
minaya.jpgListen, I’ve seen enough blood and pain and horror to last me three lifetimes. I patch these kids up just so they can run right out and get torn up again. What’s the sense of it all? Sure, I tell jokes, Mike. But is it any worse than the joke that’s been played on me? So laugh! Laugh at all, cause it’s one big joke, isn’t it? And the punchline is, we all die alone and afraid, stranding men in scoring position.
fran1.jpgWow, this front office used to be light hearted and satirical, but this season has really changed you. Made you all…morose and dramatic.
minaya.jpgYou should see what it’s done to Fred Wilpon.
Klinger.jpgColonel, I request a section 8!

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants