Baseball

Next Up on The FAN: Questions of Great Thelogical Import

In the wake of another disappointing weekend for the Mets (during which they could conceivably have swept the Cardinals but only managed one win, and that one a 20-inning purgatorial nightmare), the WFAN airwaves were rife with distraught fans declaring their disgust. But while most callers employed the harshest language radio would allow, one Mike Francesa listener had loftier thoughts on her mind.

Yes, you heard right. Kathy thinks the Mets need Jesus. And not Jesus as in “Jesus Christ, can’t this team do anything right?!” No, she seems to honestly believe the Mets, as a team, need to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Why? “That team is horrible!” Because as we all know, only righteous, pious teams win championships. Just look at the Mets’ last World Series-winning team. The 1986 Mets were a collection of clean-living souls who only played baseball in between their seminary studies and mission trips to Guatemala.

Let’s give Kathy the benefit of the doubt. It’s possible she was being hyperbolic or facetious, or perhaps she’s really young and has no context on which to draw (ie, the hundreds of championship teams whose off-the-field behavior indicated they had very little use for religion). Or maybe she was actually being sincere and thinks born again-ing your team will lead to success on the field. She’s entitled to that opinion (just as I am entitled to skewer it). Regardless, Francesa’s response was more wackadoo than the question.

Granted, this is a touchy subject. If you’re behind the mic, you don’t want be overly dismissive and offend anyone, but you also don’t want to open the floodgates to start a religious discussion on a sports talk show. Basically, you want this line of inquiry to disappear ASAP. If this was me, I’d be tempted to say, “Why should Jesus give a shit about a sports team?” But the safer response would be, “I’m not touching this with a ten foot pole.”

Francesa, who has a few decades’ worth of experience on the radio, clearly wants to go this route. But in so doing, he lets loose a brief, bizarre critique of this woman’s statement. To wit: Why would Jesus choose the Mets over somebody else?

That’s a fair assessment, Mike. Clearly the heavens have not turned their attention the Mets, unless it’s some malevolent trickster god like Loki.

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 10-12

pufm_010.pngGame 10: Cardinals 4, Mets 2 (10)
Fake Jason Bay and Fake Ryan Ludwick each hit two solo homers to account for all the scoring in regulation, and Fake Carols Beltran made a leaping catch at the center field wall to rob Fake Albert Pujols of a round tripper. But Fake Kelvim Escobar surrendered a walkoff two-run dinger to Fake Colby Rasmus in the bottom of the tenth.

In real life: Oliver Perez turned in a stunningly good performance (given his history and the opponent), shutting out the Cardinals through six-plus innings. But when he walked the leadoff batter in the seventh, Jerry Manuel inexplicably turned to Fernando Nieve and Raul Valdes to protect the lead. One Felipe Lopez grand slam later, St. Louis had all the runs they needed. The Mets scratched out two runs in the ninth to make things interesting, but fell short.

Game 11: Cardinals 2, Mets 1 (12)
Fake Johan Santana limited the Fake Cardinals to one run in seven innings, while Fake Chris Carpenter took a no hitter into the seventh before surrendering leadoff single to Fake Jose Reyes and an RBI hit to Fake Carlos Beltran. The Fake Mets almost went ahead on a Fake Jason Bay double in the top of the tenth, but somehow Fake Beltran was thrown out trying to score from first (again, every opposing outfielder in this game has a cannon for an arm). For the second straight game, the fake Cardinals won on a walkoff hit, this time a Fake Jason LaRue RBI single.

In real life: In a game that may have set back baseball 100 years, a pitcher’s duel between Johan Santana and Jaime Garcia devolved into a hitter’s fail-off. The game remained scoreless for 18 innings, as the Cardinals turned aside numerous opportunities and the Mets failed to mount any. New York took a brief lead in the 19th inning on a Jeff Francoeur sac fly off of Joe Mather (a position player pulling a Matt Franco), then saw Frankie Rodriguez give it back up on a Yadier Molina RBI single (to be fair to K-Rod, he’d already thrown 100 (!) warmup pitches over the course of 10 innings). A Jose Reyes sac fly in the 20th gave the Mets another lead, and emergency closer Mike Pelfrey made it stand up. And for as much as I dislike Jerry Manuel, I have to concede I’ve never seen him commit managerial errors half as dumb as the crimes perpetrated by Tony “LOOK AT ME MANAGE” LaRussa in this game. (Although even he would not dare hit Matt Holliday in the leadoff spot, as his fake doppelganger does for some reason.)

Game 12: Cardinals 3, Mets 2 (12)
The Fake Mets broke through against Fake Adam Wainwright, thanks to RBI hist from Fake Jeff Francoeur and Fake Josh Thole. Fake Mike Pelfrey was masterful through the first 7 innings, striking out 11, until faltering in the eighth and giving up a run. Fake Francisco Rodriguez got the first two batters in the bottom of the ninth, then gave up three hits in a row to knot the game at 2. More futility followed on both sides, until some more two-out magic occurred in the bottom of the twelfth. Two singles were followed by a game-winning hit by fake Albert Pujols (his first in the series), and the Fake Mets had been swept in Fake St. Louis by three walkoff losses in a row.

In real life: The Mets somehow managed three runs off of Adam Wainwright, thanks to a bases loaded bloop and a throwing error. But John Maine labored through five torturous innings before giving up a three-run homer to Colby Rasmus, and Ryota Igarashi gave up a two-run homer to Ryan Ludwick on the first pitch he threw. Wainwright finished what he started, pitching a complete game on approximately 17 pitches.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 2-10

Real Mets record: 4-8

Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: Muppets and Podcast Goodness

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits!

Do you love the Muppets? That’s a trick question. Of course you do. After all, you’re a human being with a sense of humor and a soul. Only an inhuman monster would not like the Muppets. I would not care to be in the same room or ever meet such a quote-unquote person.

Yesterday, the tweeting of Chunklet led me to this YouTube gem. It’s a camera test for the first Muppet movie (aptly titled The Muppet Movie). I don’t know who posted this, but I owe you a few beers. Words can not express how happy this video made me. In it, Kermit and Fozzie engage in an existential meta-conversation about what they are, exactly. Plus, Miss Piggy admits to a horrible, horrible crime.

There is another video from the same session, apparently, which is not quite as brilliant but still has some amazing dialogue in it. For instance, Fozzie wondering why the car he’s riding in does not have a stove.

This next thing is not a video per se, but it’s my damn site and I’ll promote whatever the hell I want. The illustrious Paul F. Tompkins and Tom Scharpling appeared together on a special two-part edition of the podcast Comedy and Everything Else. It made for nearly four hours of non-stop hilarity. I particularly like Tom’s reasoning for why he shouldn’t have to sit through the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty PSA’s. Subscribe now and listen to it all. You won’t be sorry.

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants