Baseball

Jerry Manuel to Bat Kitten in the Three Spot

manuel.jpgIn an effort to “shake up the lineup”, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will bat a kitten third in tonight’s game in Washington. “I just need to find the right mix,” he said after last night’s loss.

The kitten, one of a litter of seven, does not have a name yet, but clubhouse reporters describe it as “adorable”. To make room for the kitten on the 40-man roster, both Jose Reyes and Johan Santana were placed on irrevocable waivers and immediately claimed by the Braves and Phillies respectively.

This was not the only batting order shakeup Manuel considered. “I also thought about handing in a lineup with only seven names and seeing if I could get away with it,” he said.

Asked if this was a transparent effort to get fired as soon as possible, Manuel responded with a wan, chilling laugh.

Politics Schmolitics

Richard Blumenthal’s Debilitating Condition

blumenthal.jpgI sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding my remarks may have caused. I know I said I served valiantly in Vietnam, when in fact I obtained several deferments and never saw combat. However, when I said those words, I sincerely believed them. Because I suffer from Fictional Character Empathy Syndrome. Whenever I consume some piece of compelling entertainment, be it a movie or a TV show or even a video game, I become so consumed by it that I think I’ve actually lived through it.

Right before I made those remarks, I’d just watched Platoon, which is one of my favorite movies. That explains why I’d make such a blatantly false statement in my speech. It also explains why I dropped to my knees with my fists clenched toward the heavens as Barber’s Adagio for Strings blared out of the PA system.

I’d also like to apologize to anyone who witnessed the speech I gave at an Elks Lodge in Derby last April. The previous weekend, I watched all of Mad Men season 2 on DVD, which explains why I was chain smoking and trying to violently finger each member of the local city council.

I want to thank my wife for sticking with me through this difficult time, just as she did when I saw Casino and tried to crush her head in a vice. I love you because you choose to see the best in me, even though you can not literally see anymore since I popped your eyeballs.

I also want to thank all of the actual veterans gathered on the stage behind me, who have supported me and understand this affliction better than anyone. You are true American heroes. Please stand up so that we all can thank you: Private Ryan, Sgt. Slaughter, Nick Fury, the General Lee, and of course, Master Chief.

Politics Schmolitics

Midterm Clichés Stretched Dangerously Thin

After a night of primaries and special elections, scientists warn that the nation’s supply of midterm clichés has reached dangerously low levels.

“The news media and the candidates themselves are consuming these well-worn phrases at an alarming rate,” said Dr. Leonard Mackton of the JFK School of Government at Harvard University. “If the current rate of cliché usage continues unabated, there’s no way we’ll have enough old saws to go around come Election Day.”

The most striking example of this came at around midnight Eastern time, when NBC’s Andrea Mitchell said “enthusiasm gap” for the 8,478th time in two days, and the phrase had to be rushed to a local intensive care unit to be treated for exhaustion.

By three a.m., levels of “sending a message to Washington” had dropped so low that many thought the president would authorize use of the emergency cliché reserves, a move he has been reluctant to make during his administration. “The American people understand…” began President Obama by way of explanation, before that phrase collapsed in a heap from overuse.

“I want to warn the media and politicians that it’s a long way until November,” Dr. Mackton said, “but that cliché is now being carefully rationed.”

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants