Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.18.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Fuck the Pain Away”, Peaches.
This would be especially inappropriate if, as you come up to bat, they play this video on the Jumbotron.

* “The Red Telephone”, Love
I went through a very rough patch in my life where I listened to Forever Changes at least once a day. In case you don’t know, Forever Changes was the result of Love frontman Arthur Lee realizing in 1967 that all the hippies were full of shit and that the Summer of Love would soon spiral into violence and horror. So he freaked out and convinced himself that he was gonna die at a criminally young age. To counteract the intense depressitude of this album, I would listen to Ted Leo’s The Tyrrany of Distance. This is the oral equivalent of doing a fistful of ‘ludes and following it up with some crank. And it’s about as healthy for you, too.

* “Puss”, Jesus Lizard
Or substitute any other Jesus Lizard song. They’re all equally inappropriate, especially when accompanied by “The Tight and Shiny”.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.17.09

shanemagowan.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Yes, it’s St. Patty’s Day, so that means an all-Irish offering of inappropriate tunes. Sure n’ begorrah! Top o’ the mornin’ to ye, cleanup hitter!

* “Vengeance”, The Nipple Erectors
I toyed with putting a Pogues song here, but most of their tunes are so rollicking and good-timey (even the really depressing ones) that none of them really worked for this feature. So I had to go back to Shane Macgowan’s first band, The Nipple Erectors. This song is also kinda bouncy, but the lyrics are totally desperate and tortured and violent. Good ol’ fashioned snotty punk rock, but just a little too angry about real-life stuff, and therefore disturbing. A perfect exemplar of Irish Alzheimer’s: an exclusive ethnic condition that robs you of all your memories except your grudges.

* “Black Velvet Band” (traditional)
I’m including this song just to get something off my chest. This is a sad, disturbing murder ballad in the Irish vein. And yet, it was repurposed for use in The Wiggles as a cute song about a prince looking for his fair princess (which I know because The Baby demands to watch The Wiggles ALL THE TIME). Listen to this song and tell me if this is appropriate for a kids show. Or as walk up music, either. And tell me what would possess you to even CONSIDER using this song on a kids’ show.

* “Vertigo”, U2
Why is this inappropriate? Because we heard this song 12 times a day for 3 years and WE NEVER EVER NEED TO HEAR IT EVER AGAIN.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.16.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today’s list is comprised of Age Inappropriate Walk Up Music, dually inspired by a suggestion from The Wife and the topic of a Best Show (see below). Do you know how many “love” songs are about some old dude lusting after a teenager? A very disturbing ton, my friend, but I’ve chosen just three for today’s offerings.

* “Let’s Get It On”, Marvin Gaye
The gold standard of baby-making music. I’ve never been able to hear it the same way, though, after I found out that Marvin Gaye wrote the song with a 17-year-old girl in mind (Marvin was 34 at the time). I guess that’s legal in most jurisdictions, and maybe I’m a little old timey in this regard, but dating someone half your age is still a little skeevots in my book. And of course, the tune is entirely inappropriate as walk up music.

* “Into the Night”, Benny Mardones
A one-hit wonder tune. The chorus makes it sound like typical love song treacle: “If I could fly, I’d pick you up/I’d take you into the night and show you a love/Like you’ve never seen, ever seen.” It’s made quite a bit creepier when you consider the first verse of this song: “She’s just sixteen years old leave her alone, they say/Separated by fools who don’t know what love is yet…” It would’ve been so easy to leave that line out, and just let people think it was a standard love song. Nope, this guy went out of his way to let you know that he was very specifically addressing a teenager. Creep.

* “Young Girl”, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
On a Best Show from a few years back, Tom Scharpling threw out the topic: Who is the sleaziest rocker? Callers suggested guys like Gene Simmons, G.G. Allin, etc. Tom’s answer: Gary Puckett. Why? Because every nearly all of his hits are about being tempted by underage chicks. He’s the lite-rock Humbert Humbert. “Young Girl” is his biggest hit and the most obvious offender, but take a listen to “This Girl Is a Woman Now” and just try not to be creeped out.