Category Archives: Sean from Massapequa

Baseball, Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: Bay-Bay’s Kids

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss the Jason Bay signing.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgThe Mets finally made a big move this off season by landing Jason Bay. That fills at least one hole, doesn’t it?

Yeah, and fills it with another hole. That guy stinks.

The guy stinks? He hits 30 homers and 100 RBIs every year. He’s performed everywhere he’s been, even in a Pirates lineup with little protection.

Typical Omar move, gettin some guy who used to play for the loser Pirates. Nobody who ever played for the Pirates has ever been good, ever.

What about Willie Stargell, Roberto Clemente, Honus Wagner…

Honus Wagner? What is that, an electric spray painter?

No, he was one of the greatest baseball players ever.

I never heard a him, so he’s a bum, just like Bay!

Even if you totally want to dismiss Bay’s years in Pittsburgh–and I don’t know why you’d want to do that–he played just as well in Boston. And he couldn’t have had a stickier situation to deal with, taking over for Manny Ramirez.

Then why don’t the Sox want him back? I’ll tell ya why: because he stinks! And because he’s injured. I read this thing that his shoulder is about three seconds from bursting into flames.

He passed his physical.

Big deal. You can fake a physical any way you want. My buddy Joey’s got half a lung, a metal plate in his head, and seven toes on each foot, but he passes the fire department physical every year. See, if you think healthy, you can convince yourself and everyone else that you really are healthy, even if you’re on death’s door, which Jason Bay clearly is.

C’mon, the man is not on death’s door.

But he’s Canadian, ain’t he?

Yes, he’s from British Columbia.

See, right there, that’s another reason not to like him. There’s something weird about Canadians. I can’t put my finger on it, but they just ain’t…right, you know?

So you don’t like the Jason Bay signing even a little bit because he’s Canadian?

The only good Canadian I know is Randy Bachman of The Guess Who and later Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

Good to see that you’ve expanded your roster of prejudices.

And speaking of Canadians, why’d the Mets hand Bay a Rangers jersey at the press conference? That’s a slap in the face to the Islanders! They practically play down the road! I got a buddy who works at the Nassau Coliseum, and we coulda gotten him a DiPietro jersey for nothin!

So you woulda given Bay a discount on an Islanders jersey?

Yeah, the old five-finger discount. Listen, if you know anybody who wants some game-used equipment, we can hook you up. Jerseys, pants, pads, goal nets…you want a zamboni?

No, I don’t want a zamboni.

Cuz I can get you a zamboni. Kinda fun to drive, but it’s a bitch to insure.

Always a pleasure, Sean.

You bet.

Baseball, Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: The Halladay Season

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss the Hot Stove League and the Phillies’ blockbuster trade.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgFirst off, I haven’t spoken with you since the Mets suffered all those injuries last summer. How have you been?

For a while, I was in quite a state. Luckily, I had friends and family who helped me get the help I so desperately needed. I’ve spent the last few months at a retreat in the Berkshires, where simple living, meditation, and yoga have helped me manage my anger issues.

Really? Good for you!

I even stayed away from any news of baseball, to keep unnecessary stressors out of my life. I now realize that existence is suffering, and suffering is brought on by desire. In my case, it was a desire for a championship for my favorite team. I have now eliminated that desire from inner being.

You seem so centered now. I’m truly impressed. But maybe we shouldn’t talk about the Mets.

No, no, this is all part of my healing process. I can not live in a cocoon, nor do I wish to. I can enjoy the pastoral pleasures of America’s pastime without making one team’s fortunes the sum total of my existence.

In that case, the big news is the blockbuster trade the Phillies are in the process of completing, getting Roy Halladay from the Blue Jays. That’s obviously bad news for the Mets.

I would agree, if the Phillies hadn’t also traded away Cliff Lee in the same deal. From what I have read, Mr. Halladay projects to be only 0.5 wins above replacement higher than Mr. Lee next season. One could argue that they have not improved by a measurable amount. Not to mention that Mr. Halladay is 33 years old and has subjected his formidable right arm to quite a bit of work over the year. Also, whatever extension he signs with Philadelphia may impact that club’s ability to sign some of its other players when they reach free agency.

I guess you could argue all of these things, but even if the Phillies made a lateral move here, the Mets still need to make a few moves of their own to catch up. Do you think there’s any chance they can do that, given the current free agent class?

I suppose that’s still possible, either through the signing of a Matt Holliday or a similar slugger. However, I think the Mets would be best served by employing platoons at positions such as left field and first base, perhaps look for low-risk/high-reward options on the pitching market. A Ben Sheets, for instance. In the current market, it makes no sense to overpay for mediocrity. Especially considering the the 2010 free agent class looks to be far superior.

That might mean not seriously contending next season. How do you sell that to anxious fans like yourself…I mean, like you used to be?

Perhaps the Mets’ front office should remind the fans that a team’s fortunes proceed like the seasons themselves. The bounty of fall is always followed by the fallow winter. One cannot preoccupy one’s self with but one tiny spoke on the wheel of Time.

I guess when you put it that way, it makes me feel better about the Mets in general. You’re right, things ebb and flow. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down. It’s so stupid to get upset about stuff like Bengie Molina wanting a three year deal from the Mets.

ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME?! BENGIE MOLINA?! DAT FAT FUCK WHO CAN’T TAKE A WALK TO SAVE HIS FAT LIFE?! OMAR, LISTEN UP GOOD! IF YOU OFFER MORE THAN ONE MONTH TO THAT TUBBA FAILURE I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE A CHRISTMAS GOOSE! AND I NEVER CARVED NO CHRISTMAS GOOSE BEFORE, SO IT’S GONNA BE SLOW AND MESSY!!

Whoah, you just spent the last five minutes talking like the Dalai Lama by way of Bill James, and Bengie Molina’s name sets you off?

I DON’T WANT HIM NOWHERES NEARS MY TEAM! THE ONLY REASON DIS LAND MONSTER SHOULD GO TO QUEENS IS IF HE’S AT LAGUARDIA GETTIN SHIPPED BACK TO SEA WORLD!!

Congratulations on your short-lived serenity.

YOU BETTER RENDER MY REPONSES IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW ANGRY I AM!

Baseball, Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: Medic!

Today I welcome back Sean from Massapequa to talk about the recent rash of injuries and illnesses that have befallen the Mets.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgFirst off, I haven’t heard from you in a really long time. Not since your first game at CitiField. You haven’t been tweeting, either.

Yeah, I had to keep kind of a low profile online for a while. Somebody said I was harrassin em with email and slanderous Wikipedia rewrites…I probably shouldn’t talk about it too much.

Is it worse than what you did to get kicked out of Port St. Lucie?

That depends on your definition of worse.

Is it worse in the eyes of the law?

Oh yeah, definitely worse. All’s I gotta say is, Ricky Rachtman has no sense of humor.

Let’s move on to the Mets, who almost seem like they’re cursed right now. First Delgado needs hip surgery, then the entire team gets the flu. Now JJ Putz might need surgery and Reyes has a torn hamstring. How are you dealing with all of this?

I never expected nothin from Putz anyway. How can you count on good things from a guy with a name like that?

You mean…

I don’t trust nobody named JJ. He totally hijacked Good Times. I blame him for John Amos getting written off the show.

Oh, I thought you were gonna make some joke about his last name.

What about it? I guess it sounds kinda funny, but that’s just cuz it’s German. I mean, it ain’t like his last name is Dick or Cock or something.

Let’s just move on. What about Reyes? How long do you think he’s gonna be out?

He ain’t hurt, he’s just fakin it so he don’t have to play. He’s sulkin cuz they won’t let him dance on the bases no more. I heard he wanted to bring a choreographer into the dugout.

Where’d you hear that?

Francesa did four shows on it last week.

I’m pretty sure Reyes is really hurt. They did an MRI that showed he had a slightly torn hamstring.

You can fake an MRI result. I got a buddy that got injured on the job, but his boss wouldn’t believe him until he got it checked out. So he used this special magnet watchmacallit to mess with the machine. Not only did he get workman’s comp out of it, but they had to give him maternity leave, too.

How could that be possible?

Hey, I’m just tellin you what he told me. The guy had to go to Lamaze classes and stuff, but it was worth it.

It’s gonna be hard for the Mets to keep pace with the Phillies until Reyes and/or Delgado get back, if they ever do get back.

*pfft* The Phillies. Please. The Phillies stink.

They’ve won 7 games in a row.

That don’t mean nothin.

It kind of does. And they won the World Series last year.

No, they stink, and I’ll tell you why. Because Philadelphia stinks, and it will always be a second class city. New York is better in every single way. We got art, music, culture, diversity, life! This is the greatest city in the world!

So you go into the city a lot to take advantage of all those things?

You kiddin me? I ain’t drivin into the city! You get a $150 ticket just for lookin at a stop sign the wrong way.

You could always take the train.

Or I could French kiss a toilet. It’d be a lot faster way of gettin some horrible disease.

As always, thanks for joining us, Sean

The pleasure was all yours.