Category Archives: Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: I’m Done

Frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa returns to recap the Jets’ disappointing loss in yet another AFC championship. I was a little nervous when I couldn’t get in touch with him right after the game, but his shift supervisor told me he was just taking his semi-annual one month paid vacation.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI am done with this team. Absolutely done. Finished. Kaput. Ceased. Ended. Drawn to a close. Terminated. I’m so angry, I bought a thesaurus just so’s I could find new ways of sayin “done,” which is what I am.

You give so much to a team. You wear all their gear that your buddy who works at Modell’s threw in the backa your pickup. You go to every damn game, through thick and thin, good weather and bad, so long as your other buddy can sneak you into the Meadowlands through one of the service entrances. You go through the trouble of splittin your neighbor’s cable line so’s you can get Sunday Ticket.

And for what? Just so’s they can rip your heart again and again, and one or two further times. The time has come for me to say, enough. No more. That is all. I’m through…Sorry, but ever since I got this thesaurus, I can’t put it down. It’s quite riveting.

I ain’t no fair-weather fan, neither. Me and this team go way back. Me and my old man used to drive out to Shea every Sunday and whip empty airliners of Stoli at the opposing QB, and if necessary the Jets’ QB. Dad was never prouder of me than the day I brained Don Maynard with a D cell. And If dad couldn’t get a ticket, he’d fake a limp and say he was a wounded vet, and the ushers would just wave him in. That’s where I learned the value of hard work.

I know I said I was done in 1983, when the Jets couldn’t do a damn thing against those pretty boy Dolphins. I know I said I was done in 1986, when that pretty boy Gastineau roughed up Bernie Kosar. I know I said I was done in 1998, with all those damn turnovers in Denver givin pretty boy Elway his last hurrah. And I know I said I was done last year, when that pretty boy Peyton Manning took down that pretty boy Sanchez.

This ain’t like when I said I was done with the Mets after 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010, and how I plan on sayin I’m done with em after 2011. This is gonna stick, brother. The Jets bring me nothin but pain, and I don’t need that in my life no more. I can’t walk back into work and face my loudmouth Giants fan supervisor. Thinks he’s so high and mighty. God damn choir boy only got caught fakin a workman’s comp injury twice

On second thought, I bet I could claim Jets fandom as a crippling condition and get some time off for that. Or at least some scrips.

No! I’m stickin to my guns. I’m done and that’s that. And if the Jets don’t draft a big time receiver this April, I’m gonna beat Mike Tannenbaum with a shovel on fire.

Football, Sean from Massapequa

2010 AFC East Preview, by Sean from Massapequa

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. First up, frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa will preview the AFC East.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI know I normally write about baseball on this site, but trust me, I know my football. I work for the City, which gives me plenty a time to dick around on the internet and do my research. And according to my research, there’s only four words you need to know about the AFC East this year: J-E-T-S!

Normally, those are letters, but when you’re talkin about the Jets, each letter is so powerful it becomes its own word. There’s a term for this in science, but I forget what it is.

Now that Darelle Revis has finally signed an extension, there is no stopping this team. NONE. We got Revis, we got Sanchez, we got LDT, we got Santonio Holmes, and we got Rex Ryan, the best damn coach this team has ever had. Ya hear that, Weeb Ewbank? Screw you and that weird-ass name a yours.

We are gonna stomp the whole damn league this year. You heard Rex on Hard Knocks, didn’t you? And if you did hear him, what did he say? I can’t watch that show now that the next door neighbor I’m stealin cable from don’t get HBO no more.

Who’s standing in the Jets’ way? The Patriots? They got nothin cept Tom Brady, and what’s he done? Yeah, three Super Bowl rings, but that was all cuz of the secret cameras they was usin. You know when Brady was hurt most a the year in 2008? Commissioner Goodell secretly suspended him for installing a surveillance system in the visitor’s locker room. Just like when Michael Jordan “played baseball” for a year. That is a known fact.

The Dolphins? We took Jason Taylor away from them schmucks, they’re done. Yeah, I guess Brandon Marshall should be pretty good this season hookin up with Chad Henne, but here’s what I’m sayin: what if he’s not? You won’t hear the liberal media reportin that.

As for Buffalo, sometimes I think it’s kinda sad what’s happened to them. They went to four Super Bowls in a row, and now they’re just a joke. But then I remembered I bet on the Bills in every one a dem Super Bowls, so fuck em. If I ever see Jim Kelly in the street, I’m gonna make him eat a brick.

Yup, the Jets are gonna have a banner year. Not that I’m gonna get to see much of it. I used to get into all the games for free thanks to my buddy, Tony. His company took care a the sanitation at Giants Stadium. All’s I had to do was wear an orange jacket and pick up a coupla plastic beer cups.

But now that the Meadowlands got a brand new arena, the Jets don’t wanna give a break to small, local business owners with no-bid contracts no more. I guess Tony’s RICO conviction didn’t help, neither. Hey, find me a trash hauler in Jersey that hasn’t killed a few guys, I dare you!

The Jets gotta do it this year. Cuz after the last four years of the Mets shitting the bed, this is all I got to look forward to. That’s right, Jets: win it all or I end it all! And you’re gonna have a lotta blood on your hands, Jets, cuz I fully intend to take out a lot of innocent people with me.

J-ET-S! JETS! JETS JETS!

Baseball, Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: Reyes Some Concern

Today, Sean from Massapequa graces us with his presence to discuss Jose Reyes’ sudden medical woes. He told me he preferred to address the audience directly, unlike previous posts where we had a dialogue. So without further delay, here’s Sean.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgThey say Jose Reyes has got a thyroid problem. Yeah, and I’m the mayor of Five Towns.

I’m not, just so you know. There is no mayor of Five Towns, cuz it ain’t an actual town. Just like Reyes ain’t actually hurt. We all know this guy fakes injuries, like he did last year so’s he could take more salsa lessons.

How do I know that? Ask yourself this: Has he ever denied it? I rest my case.

There ain’t no such thing as a thyroid. You ever seen one? I didn’t think so. A thyroid is one a them things doctors make up so’s they can prescribe you expensive medication. Like ADD, or your appendix. It’s all just a scam. They say you got some disease, charge your insurance for the pills or cream or whatever, and you get some workman’s comp cuz you got sick on the job somehow. That’s what they call The Circle of Scam.

You get to be my age, you see the shit I seen, you realize everything’s a scam. Congress. Santa Claus. The Pope. Cold fusion. The Post Office. All scams. Makes me sick just thinkin about it.

Listen: you go to the right doctor, you can get him to say you got anything. Anything. And if you go to the really right doctor, you can get him to write you a scrip for anything. Speakin a which, if you need that type a doctor, lemme know. I might know a guy. Just sayin.

Take my buddy Joe, f’rinstance. Works for the Parks Department supervising landscaping work. Easiest job in the world. Guy works like 15 hours a week, and half that time is replacing the string in the weedwhackers. Of course, Joe had to get greedy and try and get disability. So he goes to this one doctor I know in Fresh Meadows, doctor “diagnoses” him with “lawnmower lung”.

reyes_st_2010.jpgThe City said there was no such thing, but Joe threatened to squeal about the no-bid Soilmaster contract, so they gave him what he wanted. Now the guy collects a paycheck while sittin in a hammock all year. Even in the winter, two feet a snow on the ground. Guy loves his hammock.

I bet that’s where Reyes is right now, swingin in his hammock, sippin a lemonade. I bust my hump on the job three days a week, and all I wanna do is watch some spring training baseball in the middle of my five day weekend. Now that’s all ruined cuz Reyes don’t wanna do spring training drills. Life ain’t fair.

Look, Reyes, just get your ass on the field and all is forgiven. I need you back on the diamond so’s I can scream horrible things atcha every time you don’t hit a triple.