Thanks to The Interweb and roughly eight billion cable channels, even the niche-iest of shows has a chance to find its audience. This was not the case even 10 years ago, when there was very little hope for an offbeat show, unless you expand your definition of “offbeat” to include “Bill Cosby verbally torturing his children”. If a show couldn’t succeed in the strictly middlebrow world of network TV, it had no future.
Every now and then, a show with a cockeyed view of the world and a bold spirit would sneak onto a network lineup. Such a show would inevitably be either retooled or shuttled around the schedule until it suffered death by underexposure. These kinds of shows were, inevitably, the kinds of shows that I loved as a kid. I was attracted to complete lost causes–the television equivalent of a dog at the pound with one eye, half a tail, and the mange.
Some of the shows I’ve loved and lost were later lamented, rediscovered, and given a proper DVD release. Thanks in part to the success of The 40-Year-Old Virgin , Judd Apatow’s Freaks and Geeks has received the belated acclaim it deserves. There was a great series on the now-defunct Trio network, Brilliant But Cancelled, that highlighted awesome shows like EZ Streets (aka The Sopranos Before The Sopranos ).
There is one show I loved as a kid that has yet to get its day in the sun. I mean, I absolutely worshipped this show. This show should never have been made in the first place, because it had every odd stacked against it from day one. But if it had been come out more recently, I’m convinced that it could have run for 15 seasons or more.
The show was a The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley, a Saturday morning cartoon that ran for only one season (1988-89). It starred an animated version of the titular character, voiced by Martin Short. It also featured the voice talents of a few of his fellow SCTV alums Joe Flaherty, Catherine O’Hara, and Andrea Martin. And for an
extra dollop of crazy on top, it also featured Jonathan Winters.
The use of popular songs in commercials has been much maligned, and rightly so. I don’t mean when a relatively new tune by a relatively unknown band is used in an ad. The landscape of the music industry has changed so dramatically that I realize an up-and-coming group has to find new ways to get exposure. This would have once raised the hackles of my Punk Rock Sensibilities, but I’ve mellowed with age. I still wanna strangle whichever Chevy exec greenlighted the “This Is Our Country” ads, though.
What I’m really referring to is commercials that use very popular songs of the past. Songs that were huge hits, are still played constantly on the radio, but are nonetheless co-opted for ad campaigns. There’s a whole generation of kids who probably think Who’s Next was penned as an album-length homage to Nissan. But hey, I’m sure Pete Townshend really needed the cash.
However, at the same time that I hate Robert Plant transforming into a Cadillac spokesman, I’m not 100 percent sure this is any worse than the commercials of my youth. Back then, music was generally used in commercials in one of three ways:
1) A new, snazzy jingle about your wonderful product. Usually sung by a full-throated man or woman, or in the most hateful example, a chorus of screaming kids. *shudder* 2) An old standard that commented on the action in the commercial, however vaguely. This would almost never be the original version of the song, but performed by a Generic Commercial Crooner, invariably off screen. 3) A popular song with rewritten lyrics.
And this last example haunts me to this day. Because I watched a bajillion hours of TV as a kid, I have tattooed on my brain alternate versions of famous songs. And when I hear these particular songs, I immediately think of the ad-altered versions.
My favorite example was by Wendy’s. This commercial features Kool and the Gang reworking their hit “Celebration” to laud the arrival of Crispy Chicken Nuggets. I have no idea what it was about this commercial that made such a huge subliminal impression on me. As you’ll see below, there’s nothing particular outstanding about it. Unless you consider a guy juggling chicken nugget boxes outstanding.
Regardless, this commercial became imprinted on my psyche. It’s inexplicably famous in my household. To this day, whenever me or any of my brothers hear this song, we sing along There’s a party goin on right here/Crispy Chicken Nuggets are new and here this year…
I am equal parts delighted and disappointed that I was able to find this ad on YouTube. Because in my memory, this ad was like one of those borderline racist McDonalds commercials, with lots of black folk shufflin’ and jivin’, double dutchin’ and eatin’ fast food. Which is pretty much what The Media told us all black people did in the 1980s. That, and live in beautiful Brooklyn brownstones with broods of preternaturally witty children.
This video will prove that my memory was inaccurate. In fact, you’ll see it’s mostly white people dancing like idiots. You will, however, see some preteen popping and locking, because it was impossible to show a black kid in a commercial in the 1980s and have him not breakdance.
I don’t expect you, the reader, to see anything special in this ad. But if for some reason you do, please let me know what it is so I can finally find out why it haunts my dreams.
Around this time last year,I wrote a more compact version of this tale for MSN Sports Filter. But since that site has passed into the Interweb Graveyard, I hope you’ll indulge me in recycling seasonal material.
My grandfather–my father’s father–died when I was 8 years old. So my memories of him are vague and littered with the weird, stupid things that little kids think are important. It takes a lot of mental power to pull out what I actually remember of him after I sift through all the Transformers and Thundercats and Mad Magazines.
I remember that I thought my grandfather had a funny voice, which I now realize was an Irish accent lathered with tar from decades of smoking Winstons. I remember that he always smiled, a smile with his teeth half-parted, as if he was about ready to laugh, though I don’t remember ever hearing him laugh. I remember that he had glasses with thick, gauzy lenses that made it hard to see even the faintest traces of his eyes. I probably couldn’t have seen his eyes anyway, because he seemed about 10 feet tall to me.
I remember that his fridge was always stocked with this strange slightly carbonated red lemonade that he brought back with him from his frequent trips to Ireland. I searched in vain for it both times I was in Dublin, but I couldn’t find it because I didn’t quite know what I was looking for. No one else in my family remembers it, leading me to believe it
was just some weird beverage my mind concocted while I was puzzling out adventures for Optimus Prime.
He was born just before Ireland gained its independence, became an adult just as the Depression hit, and fled to America on his own after World War II. So he didn’t have the good fortune of living in easy times. Post-war Ireland was a pretty brutal time and place, even by the low standards that Ireland had for an acceptable economy. He left his wife
and children behind and worked in New York for three years before he had enough money to send for them. He was a baggage handler at JFK’s TWA terminal for almost thirty years. My mom still has his retirement gift in our basement: a wooden plaque with a barometer and thermometer mounted on it, neither of which ever worked.
He died before I could even begin to understand him, so my only real glimpses of him come from stories my father told. My father didn’t tell stories to illuminate or edify. He told stories for entertainment, and their BS-to-truth ratio is pretty high. Most of the tales involve him disciplining my father, swiftly and violently, for some smart-ass thing he did. I know of only one story about him that suggests a life before family and children, a life before The Rest Of His Life intervened.
As a young man, my grandfather played Gaelic football, which is one of the four Gaelic
games. The Fenians of the 19th century promoted these sports as much as they tried to revive the Gaelic language. Sports were considered an important component of Irish culture, something that would help an oppressed nation build confidence and pride after centuries of being colonized. So they created a game so violent and batshit insane that it
could only come from the Emerald Isle, the land of James Joyce and the Meaningless Lifelong Grudge.
To the untrained eye, Gaelic football looks like a mix of soccer, rugby, and American football. Except someone took the mix out of the oven too soon and it hasn’t quite gelled yet. Even the ball looks like an ill-fated mating, a volleyball crossbred with a soccer ball. Said ball is passed from player to player by kicking it. Unless they throw it. Or unless a player just grabs the ball and runs with it. The object is to
get the ball in a netted goal about three-quarters the size of a soccer goal. Unless you decide to kick the ball between the goal posts, which is worth fewer points. Your team’s final score is actually two different numbers: goals scored and total points. Essentially, Gaelic football is Celtic Calvinball.
And did I mention that this sport is insanely violent? It makes Aussie rules football look like Teletubbies. Apparently, it’s perfectly okay to try to get the ball by any means
necessary–the official rules say certain moves aren’t kosher, but the visual evidence suggests a more laissez faire attitude towards brutality. There are more nuanced defenses, of course. You can try to strip the ball away, the way a linebacker might do to running back. Or you can simply elbow someone in the throat, or slide knee-first into their nutsack. Wanna send five guys on the one man with the ball? Go for it! Cluster around him and maybe the ref won’t see you deliver a few choice shots to the kidneys.
But don’t just take my word for it. In this clip, a player runs into about eighteen full-on flying elbows and is finally knocked unconcious. And as he lays on the pitch in a crumpled heap, nobody on the field, in the stands, or in the announcer’s booth sounds overly concerned.
Hopefully this will help you appreciate Gaelic football’s intriguing amalgam of grace, athleticism, and punching.
My grandfather was very good at the sport. That doesn’t quite jive with my memories of him as a peaceful, cheerful old man. But if you see pictures of him in his youth, he looks brawny and large, kinda like John Wayne in “The Quiet Man”. His team won championships in County Louth (an hour’s drive north of Dublin) and they were remembered well enough that he traveled back to Ireland for a 50th anniversary celebration in their honor in the early 1980s, when they were inducted into the local GAA’s Hall of Fame.
My grandfather was good enough to be scouted by a few league clubs in England, according to my father. I highly doubt this story, because I don’t know how well Gaelic football skills would have translated into The Beautiful Game; my guess is poorly, unless they just wanted him to be a Hanson Brother-type goon. Regardless, it would have been a political impossibility for an Irishman in the 1930s to play football in England.
And in any case, an athletic career was not fated for my grandfather. Especially not after what happened one spring afternoon.
My grandfather traveled out of town via train that morning to play in his team’s match. He was supposed to meet my grandmother, who he’d recently married, at the train station later in the afternoon. So she went there at the appointed time, but despite seeing some of his teammates leaving the station, she didn’t spot her husband. No matter, she thought, he
must have missed the earlier train and he’d be on the next one. So she sat and waited patiently for the following train, but that one arrived and left, and my grandfather wasn’t on that one either.
Maybe he got hung up after the match, she thought. Maybe he got a pint or two after the match (although, amazingly, my grandfather was not much of a drinker). So she waited for the next train. But that one came and went, too, and he was nowhere to be found.
Not knowing what else to do, she went back home. Maybe he’d gone home on his own and I’d just missed him on the road. I’ve seen these roads, and even now in the 21st century it would be impossible to miss anyone while walking along them. Still, she had to do something to reassure herself. But when she got home, no one was there.
Frantically, she ran back to the train station. She was sure something was wrong. She went to the man in the ticket booth and asked him if anyone had left a message for her. Maybe he’d phoned to let her know that he was running late. But no, the ticket man had no messages for her.
So she asked the ticket man if he’d seen my grandfather. It was a small town, everybody knew everybody. Maybe he’d seen him though my grandmother had missed him.
The ticket man looked at her funny. “Yeah, I seen him,” he said. “I’m seein’ him right now. He’s sitting right over there.”
The ticket man motioned to a heap slumped in a far corner of the train station, muddy and miserable, an old jacket draped across his chest. His face was swollen, the obvious souvenir of a recent pummeling. He was passed out, presumably from exhaustion.
My grandmother squinted, and through the mud and the bruises, she could barely tell this was her husband. In fact, he’d been sitting there, passed out, throughout her entire ordeal, oblivious to everything but his own pain.
“I’ve been here all afternoon,” my grandmother yelled, “and you couldn’t tell me my husband was sitting right over there?!”
“I don’t pry into other people’s business,” the ticket man said. “I didn’t know if youse two were fightin’ or what.”
My grandmother roused my grandfather, slowly, and helped him hobble his way back home.
And that was the last game of Gaelic football my grandfather ever played
