Category Archives: Media Morons

Glenn Beck Will Save America with Classic Commercials

glennbeck.jpgDo you remember that simpler time in America? Do you remember how that felt? Do you remember this commercial?

glennbeck.jpgYes, there was a time when tow-headed young boys could give Cokes to famous defensive linemen. And the linemen would give the children sweaty souvenirs! When was the last time you saw that in Obama’s America? What has happened to our nation? Or how about this, do you remember this?

glennbeck.jpgWe were all Peppers back then! No one saw color! It didn’t
matter if you were a boatin’ Pepper, a totin’ Pepper, a cookin’ Pepper,
or a good lookin’ Pepper! It didn’t even matter if you were Popeye! We
all danced on the deck of a Staten Island Ferry boat! Only when I look
at ads like this do I realize how much we’ve lost! Still not convinced?
How about this, do you remember this?
Continue reading Glenn Beck Will Save America with Classic Commercials

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Making the Right Call on Wrong Calls

Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may have read his best-selling book Brett Favre’s Top Ten Best Retirements. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Mouth-Talkers! You can also follow Skitch on Twitter here. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

This is one of my favorite times of year. Watching the leaves change color. Seeing the kids off to school again (the ones still in the house, anyway, and the ones still talking to me). The fun of not knowing if my Kia will start once the temperature drops below 55 degrees.

Best of all, I love October baseball. But my enjoyment of the first round of the playoffs was ruined this year. And no, it wasn’t because those darn Yankees won again! And no, it wasn’t because my wife knocked over the TV when she stumbled home in the dark at four in the morning. In fact, something about the way it hit the ground made all the colors on the tube turn different shades of dark purple, which was kind of interesting.

phillcuzzi.jpgThis year, I couldn’t enjoy the postseason because so many people were complaining about the umpiring! Everywhere I turned, it was “how could you possibly blow that call” this and “these umps should be fired” that. Maybe I’m just a forgiving sort, but I’ve always believed that those who have never called a guy out at first who was safe by a foot should cast the first stone.

I’m not saying mistakes weren’t made. But I’ve heard some people say that we need to expand instant replay, and that’s just insanity. They added instant replay to the games this year on home run calls, and it totally ruined the mystique of the game. There used to be intrigue on every long ball hit down the lines, as you wondered whether the umps would call it correctly or not. And it wasn’t just on close calls, either. No, you had to hold your breath on homers hit seven rows deep on the second deck! I guess that mystery is gone from the game forever now!

Some people say that umpiring mistakes could be overturned quickly and definitively with instant replay. As if the point of umpiring is to get things right! The umpire’s job is to act as the authority figure on the field, and serve as the thick black line between baseball and chaos.

Umpires have to call the plays as they see them, or think they saw them, or as they think should have happened while they were daydreaming. And then, when the manager comes storming out of the dugout, they must stand there and insist they are right, no matter how unsound their reasoning might be. And if the manager presses the issue, they must eject that manager, so that he can go back to the dugout and punch a Gatorade cooler with all his might and wind up on SportsCenter.

This is the majestic ballet that makes the sport we love possible.

I think we’ve all forgotten something in this modern world of speed and convenience. Umpiring mistakes are a time-honored baseball tradition. Don Denkinger in 1985. Richie Garcia in 1996. Rick Reed in 1999. Can you imagine what would have happened if we robbed ourselves of these treasured memories, just because we were in such a rush to get things “right”?

And even if we do institute replay, who’s to say it will even work? I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but technology has never done anything good ever. Take my newspaper, for instance. A while back, they started compiling all the stories and images and ads “electronically” on something called a “server”, instead of typesetting all this stuff by hand. It was supposed to be quicker and make everything easier, they said.

Well, what do you guess happened? One day, without warning, the server shut down and we couldn’t put the paper out for a week! And all because I tried to forward the editor-in-chief this important-looking email from some Nigerian prince.

Instant replay could work well every time. Then again, it might not. But when it comes to umpires, I know that they blow calls. We could take a system that is definitely imperfect and replace it with one that just might be imperfect. Can we really take that chance?

Inside the Actors’ Studio with Mike Francesa

fran1.jpgWelcome bu-hack to Inside the Actors’ Studio. I’m yaw host, Mike Francesa. In addition to knowing everything there is to know about spawts, I’m also a cineaste extraordinaire. This is the show where I tawk to some of the best actors in the history of Hollywood films. Some of the greats. Some of the legends. Some of the biggest stars. And I have one of em next to me right now. His name is Richard Dreyfuss. Richard, welcome to the program.
dreyfuss.jpgThanks, Mike. I can hear you, but it’s hard to see you past this heaping mountain of snacks you have on the desk between us.
fran1.jpgI draw my strength from the aroma of unopened Malomars. Now, Richard, you’ve appeared in some of the biggest films of awl time. Some of the hugest films. Some of the real big ones. Which one was your favorite?
dreyfuss.jpgOh, it’s so hard to say. Movies are almost like your kids, you know: You love em all! Ha ha! There’s just…
fran1.jpgIt’s Mr. Holland’s Opus, isn’t it?
dreyfuss.jpgThat was certainly an enjoyable film to make.
fran1.jpgYour favorite film was Mr. Holland’s Opus.
dreyfuss.jpgI don’t think I’d say that, Mike. I mean, it was a fantastic experience, but I always come back to Jaws, the movie that really…
fran1.jpgJaws?! Are you tellin me you like Jaws more than Mr. Holland’s Opus?
dreyfuss.jpgMike, it’s not really question of liking one more than the other…
fran1.jpgMISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS WAS ABOUT A BELOVED TEACHER FALLING IN LOVE WITH MUSIC AGAIN! JAWS IS ABOUT A SHAWK! HOW CAN YOU PICK JAWS OVER MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS?! YER OUTTA YA MIND IF YOU THINK THAT!!

/17 minute pause

IF YOU THINK JAWS IS A BETTAH FILM, YOU ARE LOST! LU-HOST!

/massive gulp of Diet Coke

Alright, we got Frankie on the caw phone. Frankie, what’s up?

Thanks, Mike. I love the show. I worhship the ground you walk on. I cherish the six hours your show is on much more than the time I spend with my stupid wife and children.

fran1.jpgGo on.
My question is, when Mr. Dreyfuss was making that mashed potato Devil’s Mountain in Close Encounters, did he really…

fran1.jpgWait, you wanna ask a Close Encounters question? I have the staw of Mr. Holland’s Opus here, and you wanna ask a Close Encounters question?

dreyfuss.jpgI’d be happy to answer it…

fran1.jpgDid you evah see Mr. Holland’s Opus, Frankie?

I think so, maybe on a plane once. I don’t remember it too well.

fran1.jpgI HAVE THE STAW OF MISTAH HOLLAND’S OPUS HEAH, AND YOU WANNA ASK HIM ABOUT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS? YOU GOTTA BE OUTTA YAW MIND! WHY DON’TCHA AKS HIM ABOUT THE TOUCHING SCENE WHERE HE HEARS HIS SYMPHONY PERFAWMED BY HIS FORMER STUDENTS?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT DIDN’T MOVE YOU TO TEARS?!


Um, like I said, I don’t remember it too well.

fran1.jpgBECAUSE I WEPT LIKE A BABY!

Mike, please don’t yell at me! You’re the only ray of sunshine in my life!   

fran1.jpgRidiculous. Get this guy off.

/click

Mark, Chris, Bill, whatever my producer’s name is. This is the kinda question you let on the air? So that’s what we’re doin now. This is how we produce a show. Okay. Fine.

/dismissive snort

Alright, now it’s time faw my Mawquis Quiz.

dreyfuss.jpgI thought it was called the Proust Questionnaire.
fran1.jpgThis first one is easy: Who scawed the first safety in Super Bowl history?
dreyfuss.jpgUm…you know, I’m not a huge football fan.
fran1.jpgTAKE A GUESS, RICHARD! TAKE A GUESS!
dreyfuss.jpgUm…Terry Bradshaw?
fran1.jpgTERRY BRADSHAW?! HOW IS QUAWTABACK GONNA SCORE A SAFETY?! YOU AW LU-HOST!
dreyfuss.jpgYou seem to be running the show fine by yourself. Maybe I should just leave.
fran1.jpgNOT UNTIL YOU SHARE HILARIOUS STORIES FROM THE SET OF “THE EDUCATION OF MAX BICKFORD”!

Hat tip to @kranepool, whose tweet inspired this opus.