Category Archives: Cinematics

Cinematics

Loglines for the Next Seven Nicolas Cage Movies

niccage.jpg* The secret to clean coal technology is tattooed on Thomas Jefferson’s bones. Can Nic Cage and a ragtag group of misfits rescue his corpse from the evil clutches of Greenpeace?

* Nic Cage is Wrecker Jones, the undead descendant of Genghis Khan. Can he defeat the Werewolf Pancho Villa in time to save his village?

* Nic Cage is a government-trained super-assassin with one mission: go back in time and kill Helen Keller.

* An underground kickboxing tournament is held by an international terrorist organization to determine the champion of the universe. Little do they know that ex-Marine Nic Cage has come to break up the organization’s little party–and marry its leader.

* Nic Cage stars as some comic book character who hasn’t been done yet.

* Accomplished jazz composer and bandleader by day, street vigilante by night. Nic Cage is: Duke Killington!

* A former matinee idol seems to make horrible movie after horrible movie with no quality control over his career choices at all. Little does the public know, Nic Cage has discovered the secret to eternal life hidden in pieces across some of the worst scripts ever written. So when the rest of he world dies off one by one, only he shall be standing. AND THEY ALL LAUGHED!

Cinematics

Quentin Tarantino’s Notes for “Inglorious Bastards”

* Take diner scene from Reservoir Dogs, do find/replace: “Madonna” = “Andrews Sisters”, “Like a Virgin” = “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”

* Use big role in flick to revive career of one of the following: John Casale, Stacy Keach, Charles Nelson Reilly, Barbara Mandrell, Jim J. Bullock, Joey Heatherton, Peter Noone, Mitzi Gaynor

* Can Samuel L. Jackson play FDR? If not, must redo “Fireside Chat” scene, remove all instances of “motherfucker”.

* Create pointless affectations for Brad Pitt’s character: Southern accent? Pimp cane? Monocle? Infantry rifle covered in jewels?

* Just found out John Casale is dead; have Tina send flowers.

* For duration of film, Nazi will be pronouced Natt-see. Also, sandwich = sammich, toilet = turlet, and bird = boid. Hire Billy Crystal as a speech consultant.

* According to research, the Red Skull wasn’t real. May affect climactic battle scene in enormous poison-filled zeppelin floating over LA.

* Look at old flicks; have I lifted anything from Dario Argento yet? If so, did anyone notice?

* Must cast Hitler as mincing and ineffectual as possible.

* At 90 minute mark, insert 20-page rambling story from my My Box of Speeches That Will Grind Film to a Complete Halt.

* Must make movie bad-ass enough to overcome retarded title for final chapter, “Revenge of the Giant Face.”

Cinematics, Life In These United States

A Shrine Befitting an American Legend

When in Jupiter, Florida, be sure to visit The Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum.

I can barely get past the fact that “and Friends” is in the name of this place. When you see “and Friends” in a title, it should refer to either a 70s variety show or a badly edited collection of old cartoons with awful linking material (like those “holiday specials” that Warner Bros. cranked out throughout the 80s).

I’m not going to say anything more about this establishment. Just click the link, browse the site, and marvel.

Once again, hat tip to Patrick of Oregon on the FOT Forum for pointing out this cultural gem.