Category Archives: Boob Tubery

Boob Tubery

New Additions to the Halloween Wheelhouse

If I have a wheelhouse, it’s Cheesy Stuff From the Mid 1980s to Mid 1990s, whether it’s old ads, weird kids shows, or crummy movies. I like to think of myself as, if not an expert, then at least an amateur historian. My goal is to be the first person to get a MacArthur Genius Grant on the basis of studies into Heinz Homestyle Gravy.

That’s why I was taken by surprise this weekend when, while visiting relatives this weekend, my cousin squealed with delight upon hearing that Teen Witch was on TV. I assumed she meant the long running Melissa Joan Hart vehicle, but no. She was referring to an exquisitely 80s movie that heretofore floated under my radar. Which was bizarre, because if you read this site, you know I remember far more useless junk than any non-crazy person should.

Apparently, Teen Witch went the Office Space route: making barely any money at the box office, but finding a new life on cable. From what I can gather, it has built up quite a Cult of Cheese, one that I was completely oblivious to until now. I only managed to see a good 45 minutes of this masterpiece, but oh my, what a 45 minutes they were.

It’s not fair to try and recap all the singular weirdness contained in Teen Witch. The film is not really awful–I’ve seen much, much worse–but it does have several touches in it that simply do not make sense. My theory is, Teen Witch was made by someone with a very particular vision who was allowed to realize that vision completely. Or, it was passed through so many hands in Development Hell that it eventually became a Frankensteinian monster.

However, if you’ve never seen it, I thought you might “enjoy” this scene in which several very Caucasian teens engage in a “rap battle.” Really, it’s more of a “rap scrimmage.” But it remains an interesting artifact from the era when rap was considered both very hip and eminently easy to do. “All they do is talk over the music and move their arms and stuff. Just get some kids to do it. How hard could it be?”

After I tweeted about this, I received some online confirmation that I was indeed far behind the curve when it came to Teen Witch. I also received a link from @ryankelly for another bit of Halloween movie weirdness I’d never seen before. This is a clip from the British made-for-TV move The Worst Witch, in which Tim Curry performs a showstopping number “Anything Can Happen on Halloween.” God help me, even though the instrumentation is Casio-heavy and the lyrics a little silly, this song is not all that bad. Perhaps it’s the performance. Curry’s vocals make it sound like an outtake from Diamond Dogs. I’m not sure it isn’t, to be honest.

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Oh, You Men

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Words can not truly express how little I care for Men. There are individual males who I care for very deeply, but as far as the fate of Men as a whole, what is happening to Men, where have Men been going and where have Men been? Yawn. Gender roles have changed and evolved an awful lot in the last 50 years, and for the better, I’d say. But even if you think not, getting upset about it seems as pointless as yelling at the weather.

For a long time, I thought most folks felt the same way, even accounting for the fact that I live in the grand pansexual paradise of New York City. The grand debates of What Is Man? had largely disappeared from public discourse, I thought, banished to the same dusty corner of the intellectual attic as “Who lost China?!”

But apparently I thought too soon, because lately I’ve noticed a severe flare up of the mentality of WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE MAN-CHILDREN?! Or, at the very least, segments of the media that hope to capitalize on that sentiment. And sadly, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this has happened just as gay rights have made their biggest strides in maybe forever. It seems a very calculated move to prey on the fears and hates of people who are worried that someone somewhere may be doing something that makes them uncomfortable. All while employing a notion of Manliness that would be unrecognizable to previous generations of men.

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Boob Tubery

Cable TV Remembers 9/11

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HOW ‘ER GOT DONE (History Channel): Larry the Cable Guy narrates this special on the building of the 9/11 Memorial and gets in on the action, learning how to operate a jackhammer and accidentally destroying a marble panel engraved with the names of several slain firefighters. “Blasphemously inappropriate,” says The New York Times.

THE TOP 100 9/11s OF ALL TIME (VH1): A look back at all the September 11s in recorded history. Where does 2001 rank? The answer may shock you! With Hal Sparks, Michael Ian Black, and former CIA director Leon Panetta.

THE GEORGE W. BUSH 9/11 INTERVIEW–AFTER DARK (National Geographic Channel): The former president remembers the heady moments immediately following the terrorist attacks while sharing a smoke and few highballs with Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Bunnies. Musical guest: Dave Brubeck.

FROM THE ASHES: THE HEALING POWER OF CELEBRITY (Bravo): Some of the world’s biggest stars come together to remind us of how their shining examples of strength gave us the power to pull through such dark times.

THE TOWERS FALLING AND PEOPLE SCREAMING AND COVERED WITH TOXIC DUST AND IN PAIN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU WANNA FUCKING KILL YOURSELF (CNN): This is CNN’s Yule Log.

MY PET GOAT (CSPAN): This special edition of Book Talk features a dramatic reading of the classic children’s tale, punctured by a lengthy, eerily uncomfortable pause.

ENTREPRENEURS (CNBC): Maria Bartiromo profiles some of the enterprising people who sell all manner of 9/11-related tchotchkes within feet of the former World Trade Center site, and somehow resists the urge to kick them in the balls.

COMFORT FOOD (Food Network): Paula Deen and Rachel Ray share the best recipes for dishes to eat in enormous quantities in one sitting when nothing else will chase away the demons of reality.

THE CONCERT FOR NEW YORK CITY (MTV): Ooof, this is tough to watch now. I mean, it’s just really weird. Did you know Dennis Leary is in this thing? But I guess we gotta, huh? Yeah, I guess.

THE PHYSICS OF CRASHING PLANES INTO STUFF (Science Channel): Want to know exactly how two jets could take down two of the two tallest buildings in the country and kill thousands? No? Too bad, we’re going over it in excruciating detail anyway.

72 STRAIGHT HOURS OF LAW & ORDER, LIKE ALWAYS (USA): Just watch this, okay?