Category Archives: Boob Tubery

Boob Tubery

If You Have a Heart-Tugging Infirmity, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Wants You!

typennington.jpgThanks for tuning in to this week’s edition Extreme Makeover: Home Edition . Boy, that sure was an inspiring story. I bet that little girl’s plucky
battle against diabetes, arthritis, and attention deficit disorder totally made you feel like crap. If so, we’re always looking for needy families to help out. If you think you fit the bill, drop us a line or send us an email.

But don’t bother to contact us if you’re just poor. We don’t build houses for people just because they can’t afford them. Who do you think we are, Jimmy Carter? We can’t build an hour-long narrative around poverty! Plus, you probably deserve to be homeless anyway.

We’re looking for families full of heart-tugging tragedy. But make sure you haven’t lost your upbeat spirit. We don’t put people on TV who are all mopey just because they’ve been struck with a fatal disease.

Cancer’s good. Leukemia’s even better, ’cause it sounds scary. If you have cancer and are a veteran, that’s great; not a Vietnam vet, though, ’cause we assume they’re all drug addicts. If you have a child with a disease that confines him or her to a wheelchair, that’s fantastic, especially if the wheelchair has wacky flags and bumper stickers all over it.

You know what’d be great? If we had recently separated Siamese twins! Yeah, and then we’d totally have to build more rooms, ’cause it’s like the family just got a new kid. Hey, one of you interns, call up all the hospitals in the state. See if there’s any recently conjoined twins out there! C’mon, let’s make this happen!

Oh, and while you’re at it, call up the maternity wards and see if there’s been any kids who were born with a major organ on the outside of their bodies. That shit would be gold!

We’d also like to ask people to stop trying to acquire debilitating illnesses in order to get on the show. We’ve received reports of people ingesting mercury in the hopes of acquiring a neurological disease. We don’t tolerate cheaters on Extreme Makeover , folks. You’ll just have to pray and hope the Good Lord sees fit to blight you with a horrible medical condition.

Next week, we build a house for family with a little boy so sick that just hearing about his disease could kill you!

Boob Tubery, Fashion

What Not to Wear and the Final Solution for Fashion

whatnot1.jpgGod, look at this girl!
whatnot2.jpgAre you sure it’s a girl? She looks more like the love child of Margaret Thatcher and a month-old jack-o-lantern!
whatnot1.jpgHer fashion sense is on life support, and I’d love to pull the plug on it!
whatnot2.jpgI’d like to pull the plug on her ! Look at that huge ass! That thing’s got its own zip code!
whatnot1.jpgWhere’d she get those pants, Old Gravy?
whatnot2.jpgIf I had to wear outfits like hers, I’d pop a cyanide capsule straight into my mouth.
whatnot1.jpgExcept if you were her, you couldn’t fit it because there’d be too many Ring Dings in the way!
whatnot2.jpgHer whole look makes me want to vomit, but I’m afraid if I did, she’d lap it up like the dog she is!
whatnot1.jpgRuff ruff! Forget the makeover, we should just put her to sleep! How would you put Ol’ Smeller down?
whatnot2.jpgI’d slit her throat, but I think butter would come out instead of blood!
whatnot1.jpgI’d shoot her, but the bullet might just get lost in all her fat folds!
whatnot2.jpgMaybe if we wait, nature will take its course, and she’ll go out choking on a ham sandwich, Mama Cass-style.
whatnot1.jpgGod, I hate women!
whatnot2.jpgGod, me too!
whatnot1.jpgNot all women, of course. Just the poor ones.
whatnot2.jpgOh God, I hate poor women. Don’t they know dry-clean only clothes just look better?
whatnot1.jpgI know, right? Fat women drive me nuts, too. If
you can’t stop stuffing your face, just get some liposuction, or stay
indoors! You’re blocking the sun for the rest of us!
whatnot2.jpgIf I could, I would so round up all the
fat and poor women in America. Herd them into the same neighborhoods,
make them wear patches on their tacky outfits so we can keep track of
them…
whatnot1.jpgYeah! Then I’d send them off to special camps in
the country, where they would totally work 18 hours a day for no pay!
That’ll teach ’em!
whatnot2.jpgThen when they’re too weak to work anymore, we can execute them all!
whatnot1.jpgBut why waste precious bullets on them? Just round them up in gas chambers and choke them to death! It’s more efficient!
whatnot2.jpgYou’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?
whatnot1.jpgOh my God, every waking moment!
whatnot2.jpgIt’s fun to dream, huh?
whatnot1.jpgSomeday, mi amigo, someday. Now let’s see what her fat friends had to say…

Boob Tubery, Pointless Nostalgia

I Must Say

Thanks to The Interweb and roughly eight billion cable channels, even the niche-iest of shows has a chance to find its audience. This was not the case even 10 years ago, when there was very little hope for an offbeat show, unless you expand your definition of “offbeat” to include “Bill Cosby verbally torturing his children”. If a show couldn’t succeed in the strictly middlebrow world of network TV, it had no future.

Every now and then, a show with a cockeyed view of the world and a bold spirit would sneak onto a network lineup. Such a show would inevitably be either retooled or shuttled around the schedule until it suffered death by underexposure. These kinds of shows were, inevitably, the kinds of shows that I loved as a kid. I was attracted to complete lost causes–the television equivalent of a dog at the pound with one eye, half a tail, and the mange.

Some of the shows I’ve loved and lost were later lamented, rediscovered, and given a proper DVD release. Thanks in part to the success of The 40-Year-Old Virgin , Judd Apatow’s Freaks and Geeks has received the belated acclaim it deserves. There was a great series on the now-defunct Trio network, Brilliant But Cancelled, that highlighted awesome shows like EZ Streets (aka The Sopranos Before The Sopranos ).

There is one show I loved as a kid that has yet to get its day in the sun. I mean, I absolutely worshipped this show. This show should never have been made in the first place, because it had every odd stacked against it from day one. But if it had been come out more recently, I’m convinced that it could have run for 15 seasons or more.

The show was a The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley , a Saturday morning cartoon that ran for only one season (1988-89). It starred an animated version of the titular character, voiced by Martin Short. It also featured the voice talents of a few of his fellow SCTV alums Joe Flaherty, Catherine O’Hara, and Andrea Martin. And for an
extra dollop of crazy on top, it also featured Jonathan Winters.

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