God, look at this girl!
Are you sure it’s a girl? She looks more like the love child of Margaret Thatcher and a month-old jack-o-lantern! Her fashion sense is on life support, and I’d love to pull the plug on it!I’d like to pull the plug on her ! Look at that huge ass! That thing’s got its own zip code! Where’d she get those pants, Old Gravy? If I had to wear outfits like hers, I’d pop a cyanide capsule straight into my mouth.Except if you were her, you couldn’t fit it because there’d be too many Ring Dings in the way!Her whole look makes me want to vomit, but I’m afraid if I did, she’d lap it up like the dog she is! Ruff ruff! Forget the makeover, we should just put her to sleep! How would you put Ol’ Smeller down? I’d slit her throat, but I think butter would come out instead of blood! I’d shoot her, but the bullet might just get lost in all her fat folds! Maybe if we wait, nature will take its course, and she’ll go out choking on a ham sandwich, Mama Cass-style. God, I hate women!God, me too! Not all women, of course. Just the poor ones.Oh God, I hate poor women. Don’t they know dry-clean only clothes just look better? I know, right? Fat women drive me nuts, too. If
you can’t stop stuffing your face, just get some liposuction, or stay
indoors! You’re blocking the sun for the rest of us! If I could, I would so round up all the
fat and poor women in America. Herd them into the same neighborhoods,
make them wear patches on their tacky outfits so we can keep track of
them… Yeah! Then I’d send them off to special camps in
the country, where they would totally work 18 hours a day for no pay!
That’ll teach ’em! Then when they’re too weak to work anymore, we can execute them all! But why waste precious bullets on them? Just round them up in gas chambers and choke them to death! It’s more efficient! You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you? Oh my God, every waking moment!It’s fun to dream, huh?Someday, mi amigo, someday. Now let’s see what her fat friends had to say…
Category Archives: Boob Tubery
I Must Say
Thanks to The Interweb and roughly eight billion cable channels, even the niche-iest of shows has a chance to find its audience. This was not the case even 10 years ago, when there was very little hope for an offbeat show, unless you expand your definition of “offbeat” to include “Bill Cosby verbally torturing his children”. If a show couldn’t succeed in the strictly middlebrow world of network TV, it had no future.
Every now and then, a show with a cockeyed view of the world and a bold spirit would sneak onto a network lineup. Such a show would inevitably be either retooled or shuttled around the schedule until it suffered death by underexposure. These kinds of shows were, inevitably, the kinds of shows that I loved as a kid. I was attracted to complete lost causes–the television equivalent of a dog at the pound with one eye, half a tail, and the mange.
Some of the shows I’ve loved and lost were later lamented, rediscovered, and given a proper DVD release. Thanks in part to the success of The 40-Year-Old Virgin , Judd Apatow’s Freaks and Geeks has received the belated acclaim it deserves. There was a great series on the now-defunct Trio network, Brilliant But Cancelled, that highlighted awesome shows like EZ Streets (aka The Sopranos Before The Sopranos ).
There is one show I loved as a kid that has yet to get its day in the sun. I mean, I absolutely worshipped this show. This show should never have been made in the first place, because it had every odd stacked against it from day one. But if it had been come out more recently, I’m convinced that it could have run for 15 seasons or more.
The show was a The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley , a Saturday morning cartoon that ran for only one season (1988-89). It starred an animated version of the titular character, voiced by Martin Short. It also featured the voice talents of a few of his fellow SCTV alums Joe Flaherty, Catherine O’Hara, and Andrea Martin. And for an
extra dollop of crazy on top, it also featured Jonathan Winters.