So! Yesterday Splitsider posted a piece I wrote about Steampipe Alley, a thoroughly singular slice of kiddie show weirdness that aired on local NY TV back in the late 1980s/early 1990s. I am very proud of this silliness, and the fact that it made it to the front page of The Awl. (You may catch it there if you hurry!) So if you haven’t read this yet, I encourage you to do. It is one of the few places where you can see Mario Cantone feed worms to Morton Downey Jr. Enjoy!
All posts by Matthew Callan
The Other Half of the Phone Conversation in The Big Bopper’s “Chantilly Lace”
“Hello baby” yourself. Is this the Big Bopper?
Nice of you to phone. Working late again?
Don’t “sweet thing” me. Do you still have time to pick up that thing for my mother? You know, like we talked about?
I asked if you were going to pick up that thing for my mom like you promised. Will you or not?
C’mon, stop the deaf act. You know I don’t like that.
No, what I like. Can we talk about that for a change? Yes, the Chantilly lace, the ponytail….big eyed girl?! Why would you say that? You know I’m very sensitive about my eyes.
I said I’m very sensitive about my eyes. And here you are talking about spending your money, but you won’t pay a plumber to get that leak in the shower fixed. Every weekend you tell me you’re gonna get around to it but you never do.
Don’t “but, but” me! Are you going to do this or not? Because if you aren’t, I’ll just call up the plumber and it’ll be done, like it should have been weeks ago. You know I would like you take care of this.
Yes, what you like again. It’s always about you, isn’t it? Listen, my car’s still in the shop and I want to go to that community meeting about that new shopping center they want to build just outside of town. I don’t think the proper environmental impact studies have been done and it could add a lot of traffic that this area just can’t handle it. Is there anyway you could pick me up at 8? The meeting starts at 8:30 and I don’t want to be late.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to stick around. You can go watch the game at the bar down the street, but I want to go because I think this is a very important issue for our community.
You don’t need any money for this. I can give you a couple of bucks if you want to get a beer or play Big Buck Hunter. I just need to know if you can do this one thing for me.
God dammit, Big Bopper! You never listen to a word I say! It’s always about what you like. What about my needs? What about my feelings? I’m not happy, and I can’t remember the last time I was! I want a separation. I’ve been talking to a lawyer and I suggest you do the same.
I never loved you, Big Bopper. How do you like that?
I hope you also like divorce papers, because you’re getting them on Monday morning, you creep.
Do the Fox Sports Robot!
Don’t you guys love Cleatus? You know, Cleatus, Fox NLF Sunday’s lovable robot mascot? Whatta ya mean you didn’t know he had a name? He was named by the winner of a fan contest four years ago, you philistines! There are a lot of robots out there–R2D2, VICI, Mitt Romney–but only one of them wears a football helmet and does things that vaguely resemble Ray Lewis after he’s knocked someone’s head off. I think we can all agree that’s pretty cool, you guys.
Haven’t you always wished that you could bring all the air guitarin’, finger pointin’, trash talkin’ fun of Cleatus home with you? No? Too bad. Now you have to. Because there is now a branded Cleatus action figure for 24 NFL teams and every football fan must buy one or face severe repercussions! You can pose him doing the Heisman or the Dougie or any of the many other hilarious antics that have brought this wacky robot into the hearts of millions of Americans.
What’s that? The NFL has 32 teams? You’re right! That means eight of them have a modicum of dignity! See if you can guess which ones opted out. I think you’ll be pleasantly annoyed with how much time you’ve wasted.
I think my favorite feature of this action figure is its list of features as seen here:
“Yeah, it comes with team logo and colors, Fox Sports logo, and choking hazard. We threw that in for free.”
Hat tip to @danielralston for tweeting this to my attention.