CHRIS BERMAN: Welcome to ESPN’s Spook-tacular NFL
Playoffs Preview! Brought to you by Budweiser, Coors Light, Heineken,
Levitra, and Budweiser! I’m your host, The Boomer, Chris “Oz Never Did
Give Nothing To The” Berman. Because the NFL playoffs are so huge, ESPN
is preempting its round-the-clock poker coverage to give football its
due. First off, the NFC. How do you see the senior conference shaping
up, Ron Jaworski “Huh! Good God, Y’all-ski! What Is It Good For-ski”?
RON JAWORSKI: It’s been a disappointing, mediocre year in the NFC..CHRIS BERMAN: Absolutely nothin’! Say it again-ski!
RON JAWORSKI: Last year’s conference champs, the
Seahawks, just barely staved off the 49ers to take the NFC West. And
I’m pretty sure the 49ers’ offensive line is actually made of popsicle
sticks. No one in the NFCreally scares you. There are compelling
reasons why each of the conference playoff teams couldn’t go all the
way.
MIKE DITKA: Except for the Bears.
RON JAWORSKI: Actually, the Bears have many glaring
question marks, such as Rex Grossman’s horrid passer rating, which can
make babies cry from across a room.
All posts by Matthew Callan
Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?!
Before I was a parent, I always wanted to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads whose reactions to upsetting World News always boils down to “What will we tell the children?!” It seemed such a narcissistic and narrow view of the universe, that all human endeavors should be slotted into one of two categories: Good/Bad For The Stupid Fruit Of My Loins.
F’rinstance, during the Great Clinton Blowjob Scandal, supposedly the biggest problem our nation faced was how to explain the whole sordid episode to the kiddies. Of less importance, apparently, was the fact that the nation was thrown into a Constitutional crisis because our Commander-in-Chief wanted a hummer. Or that the same Guardians of Decency who wanted to punish him for said “offense” had no problem discussing the intimate details of The Presidential Schlong on TV.
But I also used to think that, as a non-parent, it wasn’t really my place to tell folks with children how to feel. Maybe I would become just as prudish as Helen Lovejoy once I reproduced.
Now, I have reproduced. And I return to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads.
Continue reading Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?!
Playing Catch-Up
Hello, and happy new year to all. As will become abundantly clear, the post below was written before Xmas. I never got a chance to post it, so now here it is in all its outdated glory. Enjoy, and I will have more timely stuff posted very very soon.
The Baby has made a few forays into Outer Space (= Not The Living Room) in her first few weeks on planet earth, but most of these trips have been to relatives’ houses. Friendly territory, where she gets poked and prodded and photographed until her psychological defense mechanisms kick in and render her catatonic. So we thought it might be a good idea to toughen the girl up, get her out of the house and acquainted with the evil world that will one day crush her fragile spirit once she’s sufficiently cognizant to realize its true depths. Fun!
My original plan was to teach her some survival skills. We would drive out to the Meadowlands and drop her off in a tied-up sack with a map and some C-rations, to see if she could find her way home. But The Wife suggested that this might be seen as child abuse.
So we did something more acceptable to society but no less cruel–we took her to the mall. We had Xmas shopping to do, and there’s only so many people you can buy hilariously ironic eBay gifts for. “Here, Uncle Phil, have this Lucky Strike ad clipped out of 1954 issue of Collier’s. It’s funny ‘cuz it’s old!”