All posts by Matthew Callan

Life In These United States, Seasonal Fare

Open Letter to the Completely Stoned Guy I Saw at Toys R Us

highsanta.jpgKudos to you, sir.

A lot of us get stressed out during the holidays, especially when we’re shopping for our families. That stress causes us to do non-Christmas-y things like act rude or discourteous to complete strangers while at the store. Or worse.

You decided that you would maintain the holiday spirit the only way you know how: by going to Toys R Us high as a kite. That takes no small amount of courage. No, wait, courage isn’t the word I’m looking for. What is it? Oh yes: immaturity. Still, bravo!

I also applaud you for making sure no one could mistake you for a sober person. Nope, when you packed that bowl before leaving the house, you wanted strangers to spot your glazed, heavy-lidded Stoner Stare from 50 yards away. You also, apparently, wanted the air around you to have the acrid stench of Willie Nelson’s rec room carpet.

I should probably congratulate you just for remembering that it’s Christmas. You look like the kind of guy who forgets to to do things because they’re just too “heavy”. Like showing up for work on time, or paying the rent.

And I don’t envy what you’ll tell your kids when they open their gifts and they ask you about that funny smell. Will say that reek is Santa’s Magic Christmas Dust? Or will you go smoke up again because you can’t handle your children giving you a big plastic hassle?

Happy Holidays, Stoned Man. I hope Santa Claus brings you that 12-foot dragon-covered bong you want. And if you’re really lucky, maybe he’ll leave behind some handy stocking stuffers. Like dignity, and self-respect.

Baseball, Pointless Nostalgia, Sports

This Week in Baseball Death

ellis.jpg* Dock Ellis, 63, of cirrhosis of the liver. Twelve-year veteran of the major leagues, with most of those seasons spent as a starting pitcher for Pittsburgh. Went 19-9 for the 1971 world champion Pirates. Went to the Yankees in the same deal that brought Willie Randolph to NY, and notched a 17-8 record for the 1976 AL pennant winners. Also pitched for the Rangers, A’s, and Mets.

Oh, and he pitched a no-hitter while out of his gourd on LSD.

Or so he claimed 14 years after the fact. I tend to be suspicious of people who add sexy backstory a decade-and-half later, especially when that backstory involves narcotics. Ex-drug users don’t have the most reliable memories. But Ellis’ story is so good that I want it to be true.

The story goes that during a West Coast trip in 1970, Ellis thought the Pirates had an off day. So he decided to spend it relaxing in his hometown of LA. And what could be more relaxing than mimicking the effects of schizophrenia with lysergic assitance?

Unfortunately, about an hour into his trip, Ellis’ female companion read the newspaper and discovered that the Pirates didn’t have a day off. In fact, they were playing a doubleheader. In San Diego. Oh, and he was supposed to start game 1. Oops! I wonder what on earth could have made Ellis so forgetful?

Continue reading This Week in Baseball Death →

Morning Bites

Morning Bites: 12.18.08

* Today’s Daily News features a photo gallery of band reunions. I was intrigued by this line on the first slide:

New Kids on the Block are back together and there are fresh rumors of a Smiths reunion!

And in one breath, the Daily News puts NKOTB and The Smiths on the same level. One stands among the most influential groups of the last 30 years, and the other made pre-teen girls scream until another boy band came along. Looks about the same to me!

People don’t actually like New Kids on the Block. It’s just nostalgia for lost youth, that completely innocent time known as the late 80s. Ollie North, Iran Contra, Manuel Noriega, the crack epidemic–things were simpler then.

They also have section on bands they wish would reform. Some predictable choices (Talking Heads) some interesting ones (Blur, Pavement), and one that made me do a double take: Faith No More. *ageddaageda* Huh?!

There had to be one insane Faith No More fan in the Daily News web dept. who lobbied and lobbied and lobbied until the editors finally caved. Because this text is totally written by a devoted fan, the kind who runs his own SIGN THIS PETITION TO GET FNM BACK TOGETHER fansite:

Faith No More’s nu-metal sound may have inspired bands like Korn and
Limp Bizkit – but they were so much more than that. Their repertoire is
as diverse as it gets: They play metal in the tradition of Slayer, but
could also rival the smooth vocals of in the very next song. They
pushed the boundaries. They need to get back together. Indie rock is
stale.

If you asked the members of Faith No More, I’m sure they’d disavow any responsibility for Korn or Limp Bizkit.

It would be kinda awesome of Faith No More reunited. Because you know that all these old metalheads would go to see them do “Epic” and “We Care A Lot,” and Mike Patton would probably bring John Zorn on stage and make the band plow through a 60 minute skronk-fest that would make Mr. Bungle look like The Monkees. I would pay to see that.

Also, go to slide 9 to see a pic of Phil Collins almost getting killed by a light stanchion. Seriously, Daily News, that was the best picture of Genesis you could find?

* Speaking of Mike Patton, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen him and Rahzel do their rendition of Iron Man.

See? Now you’ve lived.