All posts by Matthew Callan

Baseball

Jeff Kent Play No More

jeff-kent.jpgYeah, I’m done with baseball. Played 17 seasons, had a lotta highs, lotta lows. Never won a championship, but hey, you can say that about a lot of the greats.

And I am one of the greats, by the way. You reporters write that down, or so help me, I will snap your necks like sourdough pretzels.

I’ll miss lots of things about the game. I’ll miss putting on the Dodger blue. Especially at spring training time. Every year at Vero Beach, I used to try and “accidentally” tip over Tommy Lasorda. Watching that guy struggle and wriggle around on his back is the funniest thing you’ll ever see. When he’s on the ground, the guy is like a turtle. A turtle packed full of undigested pasta.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how much I’ll miss the sweet, sweet road beef that awaited me at every hotel we stayed at. Your ladies’ indiscriminate taste in athlete wang served me well.

Oh, and if any of you are considering a paternity suit, I’d just like to remind you that my lawyer will crush you like grapes. Cheers!

My proudest achievement? I guess it’s being in the top ten of All-Time Guys Who Everyone’s Glad Never Won a Championship. Yeah, being up there with Barry Bonds and Dan Marino and Karl Malone, it’s kind of humbling. I mean, it would be if I had any humility at all.

P.S.: I don’t.

My biggest regret? I wish I’d kicked more children. It was so easy to do! When you’re a big time athlete like myself, kids come up to you all the time and ask for your autograph. You just fly that leg right out there and pretend you had a muscle spasm.

Y’ever kick a kid wearing shorts? Just cleat on bone. Oh, it’s great.

Sure, I did it a couple of times, but I was always like “Oh, you’re gonna get sued!” and “Hey, just kick the next kid!” I didn’t realize that one day, there would be no next kid to kick. Youth is wasted on the young.

Oh, and old people. Wish I’d punched more old people. The only thing that comes close to kicking a kid is punching a dessicated, wrinkly face.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for the beginning of my super awesome motocross career.

Cinematics

Clint Eastwood, Destroyer of Worlds

Clint Eastwood might be on the wrong side of 175 years old, but he’s still hard as nails, brother, and he don’t like the touchy-feely state of our modern culture.

We live in more of a pussy generation now, where everybody’s become
used to saying, “Well, how do we handle it psychologically?” In those
days, you just punched the bully back and duked it out. Even if the guy
was older and could push you around, at least you were respected for
fighting back, and you’d be left alone from then on.

I don’t know if I can tell you exactly when the pussy generation
started. Maybe when people started asking about the meaning of life.

Yeah, you tell ’em, Clint! Searching for the answers to the imponderable truths of existence is for queers!

When Clint Eastwood tells you that our whole cultures too sissyfied for his tastes, you better listen. I mean, we’re talking about the original brawlin’, boozin’, two-fisted, red-blooded he-man of them all. Clint Eastwood has never done anything remotely girly in his whole life…

/wacky muted trumpet

Olde Holy Goddamn

Bumpety Bump: Holy Goddamn! 001

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The exciting podcast news probably got lost yesterday, what with the excitement over the inauguration and me effin’ up the audio, but Holy Goddamn has officially resumed! Yes, believe it!

What will you hear in the debut episode? Oh, what won’t you hear!

Well, you won’t hear lots of stuff. But you WILL hear me pontificate on the evils of Food Competitions and interview the proprietor of Winger’s, who will explain the presence of that horrible, horrible banner ad you see above.

Plus there’s some tunes and some soundbites from sources both obscure and arcane.

How can you get it? Well, you can subscribe to it via iTunes with just one click here. If you’re old school, the straight-up feed is located here. Or you can go back to the original post and play it in the web browser of your choice via the handy-dandy Flash player.

My aim is to make this podcast as regular as humanly possible. Given the whole “having a kid” thing, “as regular as humanly possible” probably = biweekly. But I’ve got exciting plans for future episodes already, so KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!