All posts by Matthew Callan

Football

Jerry Jones Wants Answers from this Stunning Collection of Contemporary Artwork

jjones.jpgGoddammit, I just built me a brand spankin’ football palace, and my team played like this was a sandlot! You fellas should be ashamed a’ yerselves! This was a disgrace, and I wants some answers! My boy Romo threw three picks last night. That is inexcusable! His head needs to be in the game! Someone dropped the ball on this one! What do you have to say for yourself, Franz Ackerman mural?
ackerman.jpgjjones.jpgYeah, I know that one pick was kind of a freak thing, but it came on a terrible throw! And what about our defense? We just let the Giants march up the field in the last minute and take this game! After we had ’em pinned at their end of the field, first and 20! Two third-down conversions! It’s like you’ve never dealt with a two-minute drill before, Gary Simmons’ “Blue Field Explosions”!
bluefieldexplosions.jpgjjones.jpgAnd special teams! Jesus, don’t even get me started on the special teams! I can’t even think of something particular ya did wrong, I’m so angry! An absolute embarrassment! You better have a damn good excuse, Doug Aitken lightbox sculpture!

aitken.jpgjjones.jpgAh, you always say that! I’ve had it with this bunch! If the world’s biggest collection of newly commissioned artwork by contemporary American artists can’t win me a football game, goddammit, I’ll commission me some more! And I’ll just keeps commissionin’ til we get us a Super Bowl ring! I got a boy right here what can make us champs again! His name’s Shepard. Shep, tell these losers what we got to do to get back on top!
obey.jpgjjones.jpgSee, that’s a man what knows how to win!
1999 Project

The 1999 Project: The Director’s Cut

Last week, I announced that I would be reviewing all of the posts in The 1999 Project for typos, factual errors, and spiffability. This quick note is to let all you fine folks that I’ve completed that review. In most cases, the changes were extremely simple, although I did peep a few items that were just flat out wrong.

Which ones? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! Just know that I’ve corrected all such things, so you can sleep easy now.

As for the future, I should have at least one 1999 Project post up this week in order to keep pace. My goal is to post reviews of the various postseason games on their respective anniversaries.

Regarding the other item in my post of last week–migrating older posts to the new site interface–that’s going a little more slowly. But I still fully plan to have all posts from 2007 and 2008 up and running by the end of the year.

Carry on.

Tuneage, Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: Legion of Rock Stars and Autotune George Brett

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and countdown to happy hour with these lovely bits!

The Friends of Tom forum continues to be a fount of awesome. It was there that FOT icepants posted the video below, which was produced by The Legion of Rock Stars. From their website:

LEGION OF ROCK STARS has freed themselves from the shackles of practicing, instead perfecting a performance technique known as the Pure Pleasure Process.

While listening to songs on headphones equipped with 30dB sound blockers to blot out the outside world, the band plays and sing their hearts out, all while unable to hear themselves.

What this means: They record horrible versions of famous songs, and occasionally sync their versions up with the real videos and post them. YouTube has many LRS reworkings to feast on, but this rendition of Danzig’s “Mother” is probably my favorite (though I also recommend their take on Van Halen’s “Jump”, as it has some “amazing” keyboard and guitar solos in it; their rendition of Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” is also quite hilarious).

Last year, the world cheered as a video surfaced of Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett torturing young Royals players with tales of shitting his pants. It was not really a gotcha video. If anything, it enhanced Mr. Brett’s reputation as a masterful raconteur and a purveyor of awesomeness.

How could this video possibly be improved upon? The way that everything is improved: with autotune. CuzzinLoutie pointed me to the video below, wherein someone has not only autotuned Brett’s poop story, but enhanced his monologue with hilarious visual cues.

This is probably the only good use of autotune ever (other than Autotune the News, of course).