All posts by Matthew Callan

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Opening Series

Thumbnail image for show_castillo.jpgFor future installments of The Parallel Universe Fake Mets, I hope to have little screencaps and so forth. That was not possible for these entries, because as I mentioned earlier this week, this week has been a bitch and a half. For now, you’ll have to make do with this realistic animation of Luis Castillo getting forced out at second.

One aspect of the unfairness of MLB10:The Show I forgot about in my first post: If you throw a breaking pitch, there’s a 50 percent chance it will skip past the catcher. Regardless of the pitcher, regardless of the catcher, there are a huge amount of wild pitches/passed balls in this game.

Game 1: Fake Marlins 4, Fake Mets 2
The Fake Mets jumped out to an early lead on Josh Johnson, when Jose Reyes led off with an infield single, moved to second on an errant throw, and scored on a David Wright RBI single. But the Marlins stormed back with four straight hits against Johan Santana in the top of the third, sparked by a leadoff single by Johnson of all people (pitchers in this game are way better hitters than their real life counterparts), and the Fake Marlins went up 3-1. Carlos Beltran thrilled the crowd with an inside-the-park homerun (aided by Chris Coghlan bouncing off the left field wall), but Cody Ross hit an out-of-the-park homer of his own, and the Fake Mets could not catch up, getting just one more hit the rest of the way.

In real life: Amazingly, the Real Mets managed to beat Josh Johnson for the first time. Wright hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the first, Santana was his usual sharp self, and the Mets capitalized on some typically shoddy Marlins defense to cruise to a 7-1 win.

Game 2: Fake Mets 2, Fake Marlins 1
Fake Mike Pelfrey was sharp through 7 innings, and David Wright clubbed a two-run homer off of Ricky Nolasco to provide all the offense the Mets would need. The one run Pelfrey “allowed” should not have scored at all. John Baker hit a ball up the middle, and I tried to make Jose Reyes dive at the ball. But what often happens in The Show is that the computer switches your fielders very quickly. By the time I was diving, my fielding capabilities had already transfered to Carlos Beltran. That meant Carlos was sprawled out on the turf instead of chasing down Baker’s grounder, and he got a gift double, then moved to third on another grounder and scored on a sac fly. Pedro Feliciano and Kelvim Escobar combined for a scoreless eighth, and Frankie Rodriguez set down the Fake Marlins 1-2-3 in the ninth for his first fake save of the year.

In real life: John Maine struggled through five innings, ceding four runs and falling behind every batter he faced, and the bullpen let up two more (including Jennry Mejia in his MLB debut). The Mets somehow “rallied” to tie the game at 6, thanks to a leaky, wild Marlins bullpen. But the Marlins took a lead in the top of the tenth, and the Mets went down quietly in the bottom half.

Game 3: Fake Marlins 5, Fake Mets 3
Fake Oliver Perez was pretty much what you might expect, and struggled through five innings, giving up three runs. The Fake Mets rallied against Anibal Sanchez, taking advantage of two walks in the bottom of the fifth to score two runs, then tie it up on a Jeff Francoeur homer in the sixth. But set-up man Kelvim Escobar got slapped around for two runs in the top of the eighth, and the Fake Mets could not recover.

In real life: Jon Niese had a decent debut, which might have looked even better if he had any defense behind him. He gave up three runs over six innings, but the anemic Mets bats couldn’t catch up and never mounted any threat against Nate Robertson or the suddenly unhittable Marlins bullpen.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 1-2

Real Mets record: 1-2

Politics Schmolitics

Virginia Is For Lovers of Selective Memory

mcdonnell.jpgGovernor McDonnell here! I wanna let alla y’all know that April is officially Confederate History Month in the Great Commonwealth of Virginia. Or Virginny, as my grandpappy used to call it. He didn’t have much of what you might call book learnin’, and he liked to get in fights with parking meters, and he used to drink gasoline with his evenin’ vittles, but he was still a good son of The South. Though he mighta been born in Springfield, Massachusetts, now that I think about it. But I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to talk about history!

Confederate History Month will celebrate all the brave men who defended their homeland against invading aggressors from a foul foreign land: The North. Yes, Northerners are different from Southerners, and that’s the way God intended it. If not, why’d He put the North all the way up there?

No, The South did not want this war. Our leaders did everything they could to prevent it from happening: Fomenting bloodshed in Kansas, refusing to compromise on any slavery issue, beating a senator savagely with a cane, and several other things that escape me at this moment.

The South believed there should be two Americas. Those who liked snow and books could have The North, and those who liked mint juleps and rigid social strata could have The South. Just like another proud son of The South, Colonel Sanders, thought Americans should be able to enjoy extra crispy and original recipe.

But for some reason, The North didn’t like this idea. How else could The South have proved the merits of this glorious experiement unless we seceded and took up arms against our former countrymen? If you have a better idea, I’m all ears!

We have many exciting events planned for Confederate History Month. First, we’re gonna take down all these damn Yankee stars and stripes and burn ’em, just like our ancestors did. This will be okay because I declare for the next month that Virginny ain’t a part of the Union! Then we’re gonna replace them wretched things with the good ol’ stars and bars. Hang ’em from every window in the governor’s mansion! And then we’re gonna crank some Molly Hatchet.

One thing our celebration will not involve is any mention of slavery. I don’t think it was a significant part of Confederate history. Some might say it’s the reason why the whole war started. And when I say “some”, I’m referring to every historian ever. But that doesn’t make it significant.

Is milk a significant part of cheese? Is water a significant part of ice? Once something is transformed into something else, what caused that to happen is of no concern to us. History isn’t about figuring why things happened. It’s about puttin’ on funny ol’ timey costumes and charging 20 bucks a head to look at an old cannon.

And while we’re at it, let’s get rid of those ingredient panels on boxes of food. They just mess with your mind!

I’m also introducing legislation to celebrate the heroes who resisted that second heinous act of Yankee aggression, the so-called Civil Rights Movement. I want to honor the brave men and women who blocked high school entrances and turned hoses on protesters, and even the ones who did something as simple and noble as throwing eggs at children, so Virginians could continue to enjoy those lovely signs we took the time and care to hang on separate water fountains.

Did some bad things happen in The South during the Civil Right Movement? Beats me! The schoolbooks I grew up reading never mentioned it, and neither will any schoolbook produced under my administration. But I will add a special chapter on the bands of the 1970s and why Molly Hatchet remains a shining beacon of rockitude. And I will also commission a new cover to these textbooks painted by Frank Frazetta.

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

Coming Soon: The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

show_castillo.jpgMy dedication to this site was derailed the past few days by the tail end of spring break. Not mine, of course, but The Baby’s. It seems day care gives spring break even to three-year-olds, so I spent a good chunk of the last week driving The Baby back from Cabo. Maybe you think spring break is awesome if you’re still young and childless, but it really sucks if you have to work while your kid is drunk-texting you from Senor Frog’s.

But spring break is over, I have returned, and I wanted to let everyone know that I will soon commence on my newest, most insanest project: The Parallel Universe Fake Mets. An overwhelming 56 percent of you said this is how I should waste my time this baseball season, and waste it I shall.

For those of you who need an introduction or refresher, the premise is thus: I will play an entire season as the Mets in the PS2 version of MLB10:The Show in franchise mode. My results will be posted series by series, and compared to the result of the actual real-life Mets. I realize that, for comedic purposes, this project would probably work best if my Fake Team does awesome and the Real Team does not. But I will be totally fine if events do not develop in such a fashion.

I may also attempt to do some Fake Team results with Stratomatic Baseball, the spiritual grandfather to fantasy leagues. I reserve the right to do this at any time for any reason, and to discontinue doing so by whim as well.

If you’ve never played The Show before, here’s what you need to understand about it: It’s hard. Actually, it’s not hard–it’s unfair, especially at the more difficult settings (I will be playing my games at the second-highest difficulty). Your AI opponent gets breaks that you don’t; it’s as if the computer has paid off the umps. The other pitcher gets strike calls for every pitch even remotely close to the plate, while your pitches have to be right down the middle to receive such a favor. The opposing batters never have an appealed check swing overturned, while your check swings are always deemed strikes on appeal. The relative talents of the pitchers or batters involved have little bearing on these results.

Which brings me to another point. The unfairness is accentuated by the game’s resistance to the real life abilities and tendencies of major league baseball players. The Show does an excellent job of capturing real swings, real pitching motions, and real stadiums, but it is not quite as accurate when it comes to reflecting the relative weaknesses of certain players.

The computer-controlled batters are very reluctant to swing and miss at any pitch, no matter how much your curve or slider breaks, even if it’s a walk-ophobic hitter like Jeff Francoeur. Similarly, every opposing player fields like a Gold Glover, regardless of their real-life counterpart’s fielding abilities; Computerized Dan Uggla, for instance, robs hits in the whole all the time even though Real Dan Uggla has never caught anything not hit directly at him. And every single outfielder has a cannon for an arm, even Johnny Damon.

So I’ve spent the last month playing this game and figuring out how to work around these roadblocks. I’ve also had to regain my video game playing chops, which I lost during the first three years of parenting. But I don’t miss those years I would’ve spent with a Playstation console, because as Dr. Spock said, parenting is the toughest video game you’ll ever love.

I’m combating these unfair elements by taking advantage of unfairness that works in my favor. The Show‘s default lineups do not reflect the injuries to Jose Reyes or Carlos Beltran, so I will be able to play with both of them on the team all year. (The same rule applies to Kelvim Escobar, but it’s still unclear how much of an advantage that will turn out to be.) And thanks to players who were still free agents when the game went to press (do video games go to press?), I was able to pick up Orlando Hudson to split time with Luis Castillo. And because the default lineup did not include Rod Barajas, I opted for a platoon with Omir Santos and Josh Thole.

Long story short, I will post my first installment on Friday, after the conclusion of the first Real Mets series of the year. And for any of you who wanted The 2000 Project, I plan on giving periodic mini-recaps of the 2000 season, though nothing nearly as comprehensive as The 1999 Project.

Without further ado, let the nightmare begin!