All posts by Matthew Callan

Parental Guidance

Don’t Talk to Me About Parenting Philosophy Until I’ve Had My Coffee

This morning, as I dropped The Baby off at day care, another parent was talking to one of the teachers about her kid. Apparently, he’d been “bad” the day before, committing transgressions such as pouring an entire juice box into a Little People dollhouse (which I, of course, found hilarious). He also threw a block at an unnamed girl, which prompted said girl to smack him in retaliation.

“It think I know who that girl was,” the teacher said, and gave my daughter a knowing look.

This troubled me, so I bent low and asked The Baby if she’d hit this kid. Her answer was unclear, but her hemming and hawing suggested that she probably had. “You shouldn’t do that,” I told her. “If somebody hits you, tell the teacher.”

“But it’s good if she sticks up for herself!” the teacher said, clearly not bothered by any of this.

“Yeah, but she can stick up for herself without smacking somebody,” I responded.

“It’s okay,” the mom said, lowering herself to eye level with The Baby. “If [KID’S NAME] does that again, you can hit him. He deserved it!”

Thanks, Other Kid’s Mom! You just gave my kid license to hit your kid whenever she wants! Just because you said she should only do it when your kid “deserves” it, that doesn’t mean she will, or that she’s a capable judge of when retribution is called for. I saw her once charge across the room at another kid because she thought he looked at her funny. (By the way, there is nothing more simultaneously adorable and terrifying as a baby on a rampage.)

Also, once you say something to a three-year-old, it can not be unsaid or dislodged from their brain. Did you once say it was okay to eat jellybeans before dinner? You now have a kid who expects to eat jellybeans before dinner every single night for the rest of their live, because you said something in passing once.

And this is all happening at 7:30 in the morning, people. I am in no state of mind to start an argument over conflict resolution among three-year-olds, or to simply tell this other parent to mind their own beeswax. I just wanna kiss The Baby goodbye and drive to work without getting sideswiped by a Hasidic school bus (the deadliest vehicles on the Williamsburg streets).

So I just said, “Well, I gotta head to work now,” hugged The Baby and went on my way. I fully expect to be punched in the head when I get home tonight.

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 4-6

pufm_004.jpgGame 4: Mets 6, Nationals 4
The Fake Nationals scratched out two early runs against starter Mike Pelfrey, but he settled in and pitched 7 strong innings, allowing the Fake Mets to rally for three runs in the bottom of the fourth. Carlos Beltran clubbed a two-run homer in the bottom of the fifth to extend the lead, and the Fake Mets managed an insurance run in the eighth on an Omir Santos sac fly. Pedro Feliciano pitched a scoreless top of the eighth, and K-Rod earned his first save of the year despite giving up a run in the ninth.

In real life: An uncharacteristic show of power enabled the Mets to overcome an early 2-0 deficit. Jeff Francoeur and Rod Barajas each hit two homers en route to an 8-2 win.

Game 5: Nationals 3, Mets 1
Fake Jon Niese pitched six solid innings and gave up just three runs, but the Fake Mets’ bats were lulled to sleep by Ross Detwiler.

In real life: Oliver Perez showed some signs of life but also displayed his affinity for walks and giving up hits to the bottom of the order. The formerly terrible Willy Taveras drove in all the Nats’ runs with a pair of two-run hits. The Mets nearly crawled back in the bottom in the ninth, but were slayed by–what else?–an amazing defensive play by Willie Harris, whose sole purpose for being on any major league roster is to crush their hopes.

Game 6: Nationals 2, Mets 0
Fake John Lannan was in control the entire game, scattering six hits and pitching a complete game shutout. Fake Johan Santana pitched eight good innings, but got burned by back-to-back two-out RBI singles in the top of the sixth. A potential rally was snuffed in the bottom of the sixth when Fake David Wright, after beating out an infield hit, kept running the bases to second, then third, and was finally tagged out. I tried to make him run back, to no avail. I have no idea how this happened or why, but I thought it was so funny I just let it happen.

In real life: Johan Santana was not nearly as sharp as his fake counterpart, giving up a first inning grand slam to Josh Willingham (another Met killer) and struggling his way through five innings. The Mets didn’t so much face Livan Hernandez as lay down and die for him (or Jerry Manuel did, at least, by giving an insane amount of at-bats to Garry Matthews Jr., Mike Jacobs, and Frank Catalanotto). The only sign of a pulse came when K-Rod hit Willie Harris in the arm with a pitch–not on purpose, of course, but you can understand why he might think it was (or why the Mets might want to hit him).

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 2-4

Real Mets record: 2-4

Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: “Miracles” and Tiger Woods Parody

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits.

Earlier this week, a video debuted for a song by esteemed musicians Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope–collectively known as the Insane Clown Posse. It was immediately shared across the Twitterverse and the Faced-Book pages as an example of majestic stupidity.

By now, pointing out ICP’s lack of talent or smarts is–while incredibly easy and fun–almost cliche. Between The Best Show’s skewering of The Gathering of the Juggalos, Saturday Night Live‘s take on a suspiciously similar subject, and general internet snark, this is not exactly uncharted comedic territory. And even though they have a cult audience, they’re not chart toppers, so mocking them seems pointless and a little mean.

But this video…holy goddamn, this thing is…words fail.

Truth be told, it’s not really the video itself, which has some cheesy graphics but isn’t all that funny on its own. No, it’s the song featured in the video, “Miracles”. It’s about the extraordinary features of everyday life. It sounds like a musical version of a Mitch Albom book, but with tons of F-bombs.

Kudos to ICP for trying to get deep, but very few things mentioned in this video count as “miracles”. Almost all of them can be explained with some basic science. That doesn’t prevent Shaggy 2 Dope from wondering, “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?” And Violent J shares his tale of the time a seagull in San Francisco stole his cell phone, which is less of a miracle and more of mildly amusing anecdote.

But maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the jaded, cynical one. Maybe I’m the guy just can’t see the miracles of “fuckin rainbows” and “pet dogs and cats”. Watch the video and judge for yourself.

Have you see the new Tiger Woods Nike commercial? You’ll love it if you like Inappropriate. In it. the disembodied voice of Tiger’s father, Earl Woods, admonishes him, as the camera slowly pulls in on his face as he looks stoic and competitive. Did you know Earl Woods is dead? Yeah, he’s dead. That, plus Tiger’s dead-eyed stare, make this really uncomfortable to watch.

Naturally, this has inspired almost as many re-workings as the bunker scene in Downfall. My favorite: This one, which uses a certain speech from Shawshank Redemption. (This is un-embeddable, but I forgive you, whoever you are.)