All posts by Matthew Callan

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 13-16

Game 13: Mets 2, Cubs 1 (10)
The Fake Mets carried a 1-0 lead into the ninth, thanks to a stellar eight-inning performance by Fake Oliver Perez. But Fake Frankie Rodriguez gave up back-to-back doubles in the top of the ninth to tie the game. But the Fake Mets finally had some luck on their side. In the bottom of the tenth, Fake Daniel Murphy led off with a single, took second on a sac bunt, and advanced to third on a wild pitch. Then, Fake Omir Santos hit a lazy groundball in between first and second, just slow enough to allow Murphy to score and give the Fake Mets their first walkoff win of the season.

In real life: Jon Niese pitched a decent game and held the Cubs to one run, and the Chicago bullpen and defense handed the Mets a 5-run seventh inning to put them ahead by the eventual final score of 6-1. Ike Davis made his MLB debut and picked up his first hit and RBI.

Game 14: Cubs 10, Mets 1
Fake John Maine was clobbered for 10 hits, 7 runs, and two homers (by Fake Xavier Nady and Alfonso Soriano, who MLB10: The Show apparently mistakes for the Soriano of four years ago) in 4 1/3 innings. The Fake Mets could get nothing going against Fake Randy Wells and fell in a lopsided defeat.

In real life: Mike Pelfrey turned in another dominant start, going seven innings and giving up no runs and just three hits. Jose Reyes got on track with a four-hit night, and Fernando Tatis hit a pinch-hit two-run homer to put the game out of reach in the eighth inning. The bullpen made the 4-0 score stand up.

Game 15: Mets 4, Cubs 3
Fake Jon Niese had a decent outing, limiting the Fake Cubs to 3 runs. But the real star of this game was Fake Carlos Beltran, who clubbed two 2-run homers to account for all of the Fake Mets runs.

In real life: Oliver Perez came back to earth a bit, lasting just five innings and ceding 3 runs. Meanwhile, the Mets’ bullpen became suddenly leaky and gave up 6 runs of its own, en route to a 9-3 defeat.

pufm016.pngGame 16: Mets 4, Cubs 1
Fake Johan Santana went the distance to finally earn his first win of the year. Fake Jason Bay hit a two-run homer to get the Fake Mets on the board in the first inning. Picture included here so that Real Mets fans can finally get a glimpse of what Jason Bay homering looks like.

In real life: Johan Santana gritted his way through 6 and 1/3 innings, stranding runners all night and allowing just one earned run. The Cubs were undone by a four-run sixth inning in which two runs scored on a booted grounder by Mike Fontenot. With Chicago threatening in the eighth, Frankie Rodriguez was called on for a five-out save, which he somehow managed, and the Mets had a 5-2 victory and their first series win of the year.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 5-11

Real Mets record: 7-9

Politics Schmolitics

Mitch McConnell Wants Free Finance

mitchmcconnell.jpgYou can’t reform finance, man! Finance needs to live free and roam wild, like nature intended! You gotta let it grow, man, just like my head of luscious hippie hair. When you don’t, you upset the delicate financial balance put in place by Mother Cash.

I know untamed finance can seem scary, but that’s just the way we’ve been conditioned by this plastic modern society, man. If you look at it with open eyes, I mean really look at it, man, it’s beautiful. Open up the Wall Street Journal and gaze at all these CEO’s making boatloads of cash in bonuses while laying off hundreds of workers. Or a hedge fund manager setting up mortgage-backed securities he knew would fail, then betting against them to make a shitload of money when the economy went in the crapper. How can people do stuff like that and sleep at night? That’s the wonderful mystery of finance, man!

The derivatives market is one of the last untouched financial wildernesses we have. You can’t fence that in, man! Those derivatives need to be untamed, run around like maniacs, and send the economy on unpredictable spikes and troughs that cause millions of people to lose their jobs! Man, don’t pave paradise and put up a parking lot!

Football

The Great You-Know-What Hope

The image below is a screengrab I took from Yahoo! Sports’ front page yesterday. Peep the caption below Toby Gerhart’s pic and see how long it takes you to get to a needle-pulled-across-the-record moment.

gerhart.jpgNo, it’s not the word “evaluator”. No, it’s not the words “downgrade” or “legitimate”. It’s those last two words. You know, the ones that have caused a lot of trouble in this country during its entire existence.

The article this links to, penned by Michael Silver, is slightly more provocative, as you might be able to tell from the title “Race Factors into Evaluation of Gerhart”. And if that didn’t clue you in, the teasers seen in this screengrab I took later the same day would surely clue you in.

The thrust of the article: Gerhart (fresh out of Stanford) is a very good running back who could go to some lucky team in the first round of the NFL draft–if only he were black! Instead, he can only dream of the tarnished glory of being a second-round pick at best. Curse this pasty visage!

To be fair, Silver does not arrive at this conclusion out of thin air. He has quotes from an anonymous scout who reached the same conclusion, and Gerhart shares his experience during a team interview that indicated race was a factor in their thought process. And he is far from the only writer to pen an article on this subject. A quick Google search reveals tons of articles about Gerhart The White Running Back.

Regardless, to say a white guy faces prejudice of any kind while also saying that black guys get all the breaks is, at best, touchy, and worst, foolishly ignorant of what consitutes prejudice. Gerhart isn’t exactly being kept down by the lack of color of his skin. He finished second in Heisman voting this past year. He is highly regarded by many talent evaluators. (There are also some who question his ability to play as well in the NFL as he did in college, for reasons that have nothing to do with a lack of melanin.)

The question is not “Will he get picked at all?”, but “Will he get picked in the first round?” Basically, it’s a question of whether he gets ridiculous first round money or slightly less ridiculous second/third round money.

Is there a perception that white guys can’t be running backs in the NFL? Yes. That’s a stereotype, but it’s not prejudice. Stereotyping is when you say something dumb and racist. Prejudice is when you won’t let certain people move into your neighborhood. Words can be hurtful, but they don’t compare to someone not allowing you basic human rights.

Gerhart will get a chance with some team. He’ll get a very good chance, in fact, because he will likely be a high-round draft pick, which means both big bucks and high expectations. He won’t have to play in a separate, all-white league. He won’t have to move to another country where he can freely ply his trade as a running back. If he takes the field for an NFL team, he won’t have garbage thrown at him and receive death threats against his family.

And if he fails? It will be because he just wasn’t good enough, not because there was a vast conspiracy keeping him down. Oh, and he’ll have a degree from Stanford to fall back on, which, last time I checked, was kind of a big deal.

Don’t worry, sportswriters. No matter what happens with Gerhart, I think white guys will make it through okay.