All posts by Matthew Callan

Football

Winter Storms May Expose Unsuspecting Millions to Pro Bowl

probowl.jpgATLANTA–The Centers for Disease Control has issued warnings that rough winter weather may expose millions of unsuspecting Americans to the Pro Bowl.

“With large parts of the country crippled by historically cold temperatures and intense blizzards, most Americans will probably spend the majority of this weekend indoors,” said Dr. Frank Cowlin, a senior epidemiologist at the CDC. “Not venturing outside this weekend brings with it increased risk of catching the NFL’s completely unwatchable quote-unquote all-star game.”

Cowlins reports that accidentally viewing this mockery of a sporting event can have many side effects. “Some victims may experience a high fever, due to rage caused by watching millionaire athletes and corporate douchebags enjoy all-expense-paid trips to Hawaii they could have easily afforded while the rest of the nation freezes. Other afflicted persons may feel nausea brought on by the truly sickening, apathetic play of the participants as they engage in a cruel farce whose resemblance to the game of football is purely coincidental.”

The potential danger of such epidemics was first recognized in 2002, when a rainy Memorial Day weekend forced millions to see a FOX Game of the Week between the Cubs and Pirates and emergency rooms across the nation were clogged with the afflicted. Casualties totaled five dead and thousands maddened by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver-induced dementia.

“If you happen to accidentally tune into the Pro Bowl,” Cowlins continued, “it is recommended you leave your house immediately, regardless of conditions outside. In the CDC’s opinion, hypothermia and frostbite are preferable to watching this monstrous abortion of a game.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had no comment, but sources say he is looking into ways that he can fine the CDC.

Amazin Avenue, Baseball

Amazin’ Avenue Annual’s Potent Lineup

AAACover.jpgI’m contributing a few pieces to the Amazin’ Avenue Annual, a Mets-centric stat-friendly companion to the upcoming baseball season which should be out by March 1 (in both print and Kindle-y versions). I was already excited about this, but I got doubly-triply-quadruply excited when the outside contributors were officially announced yesterday, and it’s a fearsome lineup indeed.

Who, you ask? Why, Ken Davidoff from Newsday. Deadspin editor emeritus WIll Leitch. SNY blogger/sandwich enthusiast Ted Berg. Greg Prince and Jason Fry from Faith and Fear in Flushing, my favorite Mets blog I don’t write for.

But best of all, the book will include Joe Posnanski. Yes, that Joe Posnanski, the best baseball writer there is by a country mile. SI.com scribe, author of The Machine, and, again, the best baseball writer there is. His blog posts are always a treat to read, in spite of–actually, because of–their enormous lengths. Kinda like what Bill Simmons would be like if he dialed down the douche from 11 to 0 and excised the Karate Kid references.

Knowing that I’m going to have work in the same book as Joe Posnanski is at once humbling and terrifying. It’s like living on the same street as a famous architect; you feel like you have to keep your house in tip-top shape if Frank Lloyd Wright is just down the block.

So if my prose won’t get you to purchase this tome, I hope some of the aforementioned heavyweights will. And also Joe Posnanski because JOE POSNANSKI. C’MON ALREADY.

In conclusion, Joe Posnanski.

Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: I’m Done

Frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa returns to recap the Jets’ disappointing loss in yet another AFC championship. I was a little nervous when I couldn’t get in touch with him right after the game, but his shift supervisor told me he was just taking his semi-annual one month paid vacation.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI am done with this team. Absolutely done. Finished. Kaput. Ceased. Ended. Drawn to a close. Terminated. I’m so angry, I bought a thesaurus just so’s I could find new ways of sayin “done,” which is what I am.

You give so much to a team. You wear all their gear that your buddy who works at Modell’s threw in the backa your pickup. You go to every damn game, through thick and thin, good weather and bad, so long as your other buddy can sneak you into the Meadowlands through one of the service entrances. You go through the trouble of splittin your neighbor’s cable line so’s you can get Sunday Ticket.

And for what? Just so’s they can rip your heart again and again, and one or two further times. The time has come for me to say, enough. No more. That is all. I’m through…Sorry, but ever since I got this thesaurus, I can’t put it down. It’s quite riveting.

I ain’t no fair-weather fan, neither. Me and this team go way back. Me and my old man used to drive out to Shea every Sunday and whip empty airliners of Stoli at the opposing QB, and if necessary the Jets’ QB. Dad was never prouder of me than the day I brained Don Maynard with a D cell. And If dad couldn’t get a ticket, he’d fake a limp and say he was a wounded vet, and the ushers would just wave him in. That’s where I learned the value of hard work.

I know I said I was done in 1983, when the Jets couldn’t do a damn thing against those pretty boy Dolphins. I know I said I was done in 1986, when that pretty boy Gastineau roughed up Bernie Kosar. I know I said I was done in 1998, with all those damn turnovers in Denver givin pretty boy Elway his last hurrah. And I know I said I was done last year, when that pretty boy Peyton Manning took down that pretty boy Sanchez.

This ain’t like when I said I was done with the Mets after 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010, and how I plan on sayin I’m done with em after 2011. This is gonna stick, brother. The Jets bring me nothin but pain, and I don’t need that in my life no more. I can’t walk back into work and face my loudmouth Giants fan supervisor. Thinks he’s so high and mighty. God damn choir boy only got caught fakin a workman’s comp injury twice

On second thought, I bet I could claim Jets fandom as a crippling condition and get some time off for that. Or at least some scrips.

No! I’m stickin to my guns. I’m done and that’s that. And if the Jets don’t draft a big time receiver this April, I’m gonna beat Mike Tannenbaum with a shovel on fire.