The NFL has provided free pre-draft entertainment for attendees. It can be found within a 15-block radius of Radio City Music Hall, where sweaty out of towners in Browns and Rams jerseys struggle to adjust to the local New York custom of Walking to Places.- Cam Newton remains the consensus favorite to be the #1 pick, but teams may have soured on him after he appeared on that idiotic Jon Gruden QB Camp monstrosity.
- NFL insiders think this might be the year someone finally decides to take Chris Berman out.
- Rumor has it Jets coach Rex Ryan may make an appearance to join Gang Green fans in hurling obscenities at whoever the team drafts.
- NFL rules state that a team must draft the player commissioner Goodell reads at the podium, even if he reads the wrong name by mistake. That’s how the Cardinals wound up drafting Marisa Tomei in 1990.
- Four millionaire sportscasters have been given an all-expenses-paid trip to Manhattan just so they all can say “This guy knows how to play the game” three times an hour. Just thought you’d like to know that.
- By federal law, all players eligible for the draft must allow ESPN cameras into their home and provide the entire crew with a reasonable lunch-type meal. Simply putting out snacks is not acceptable (see ESPN vs. Tavaris Jackson and Good Guys Catering, 2006).
- The draft concludes on Sunday when “Mr. Irrelevant” is chosen, and Mel Kuiper is placed back into his cryogenic freeze chamber for another 11 months.
- Remember when nobody picked Brady Quinn for, like, forever? That was hilarious.
- Roger Goodell is completely okay with spending money on this self-love fest while giving nothing to catastrophically concussed retired players. Just thought you’d like to know that, too.
- ESPN’s broadcast day will be given over to post-draft wrap-up and debriefing until LeBron dunks something or the next Yankees-Red Sox game, whichever comes first.
All posts by Matthew Callan
God Bless America, and Monkeys
A tweet from funnymun Paul F. Tompkins alerted me to this video, which is simply titled “Greatest Speech Ever”. Care to disagree? If you watch this and don’t find it the Greatest Speech Ever, I will seriously doubt your greatness judgment abilities.
Part of me wants to break this video down piece by piece, along with the words of master orator Tim “Wild Thing” Lepard. But is that the proper response in the face of such exquisite art as this? Shouldn’t we just stand back and admire it? I say yes, we should. (Though if you need more info on Mr. Lepard, you can learn more here, or at your local library I’m sure.)
Not much more to say, except to share this comment on the video’s YouTube page:
Me too, sipentiumde. Me too.
Nation’s Bookies Reject NFL’s Appeal
THE POOL HALL–In a huge blow to commissioner Roger Goodell’s efforts to extend the NFL lockout, the league’s appeal of a federal judge’s ruling has been rejected by a council of the nation’s bookies. In affirming the lower court’s decision, the bookies stated that “it’s in the best interest of everyone that we get this shit done, pronto.”
“Training don’t start, preseason don’t start,” said council member Joey Legs at a press conference convened inside Cue Shotz Pool Hall, next to the one working pay phone. “Preseason don’t start, can’t start makin’ odds. I don’t make odds, people don’t bet, I’m broke. Cuz whether I make money or I don’t, I still gotta kick upstairs. The Big Man don’t wanna hear about no lockout. Simple, right? Yeah, real simple, ya fuckwads.”
“We got the fuckin draft starting tonight,” said council member Frankie Beans, who emerged from bathroom mid press conference. “You know how many people woulda come to me with first round picks if it weren’t for this lockout shit. Madon’!”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell vowed he would appeal the bookies’ decision, but the council believed it was in the league’s best interest to drop any further legal challenges. “Why does this asshole think people watch football, cuz it’s fun?” said council member Danny. “They watch it cuz they all got paychecks ridin on it. What, this ginger asswipe don’t wanna make money.”
Nonetheless, Goddell promised he would go forward with more appeals of the federal court’s decision, and also said, “the ‘ginger asswipe’ remark was unnecessary. I ain’t been nothin but straight with Danny.”
With the NFL matter ruled on, the bookies’ council will now turn its attention to when the hell you plan on getting them their money.