Monthly Archives: February 2011

Pointless Nostalgia

When Insanely Violent Trading Cards Attack!

dino_wrapper.jpgI have a pretty good memory for idiotic things that were aimed at my demographic as a kid, even the most obscure stuff. Every few days I get the theme song to Kidd Video or Galaxy High stuck in my head. Ask me some time about my deep, sincere obsession with a short-lived series of toys called Spy Tech. Go on, ask me. I dare you.

But last weekend, my cousin reminded me of one item of my youth that I’d completely forgotten about. It’s possible this never crossed my radar, but it’s also possible I may have blocked it out of my mind as a defense mechanism. The thing I’m alluding to is Dinosaurs Attack!, a series of trading cards created by Topps in 1988.

The series was meant to be an homage to Mars Attacks!, the trading cards from the early 1960s depicting an alien invasion, which caused parental conniptions for their violent imagery (and thus became highly sought after collectors’ items). I would say Dinosaurs Attack! was a rip-off of this earlier serial, except that it was devised by the same creative team, Len Brown and Woody Gelman. Or at least it was according to Bob Heffner’s Dinosaurs Attack! Home Page, a lo-fi site dedicated to their memory, which passes for scholarship on this subject. (Bob doesn’t cite his sources, so take that with a grain of salt.)

Brown and Gelman longed to recapture the glory of their first big success. Topps must have had a lot of faith in their ability to do so, since they actually aired commercials for this series, which was unprecedented for non-sports trading cards. (Sadly, I cannot find any video of this online.) In a financial sense, the effort failed, since the cards sold poorly. If Topps hoped Dinosaurs Attack! would attract the kind of parental outrage (and resulting publicity) Mars Attacks! did back in the 1960s, they were disappointed in that regard too. They didn’t even attract the kind of tsk-tsk-ing Topps received a few years earlier for Garbage Pail Kids.

However, on the artistic front, they were completely successful, because Dinosaurs Attacks! is the most depraved, gruesome, twisted, pitch-black thing I’ve ever seen intended for children.
Continue reading When Insanely Violent Trading Cards Attack! →

Football, Skitch Hanson

Skitch Hanson’s Big Adventure

I was hoping to get Skitch Hanson to write a post on the Super Bowl, like he’s done for this site for several years running. Unfortunately, it seems like Skitch has taken the proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque on his way to The Big Game. According to his Twitter feed in the last 24 hours or so, he’s gotten way off course, as you can see below.

I sure hope he gets out of this pickle okay! But if you want to see if he does, you should probably catch Skitch on Twitter here.

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Football

NFL Offers Preemptive Apology for Halftime Show

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–NFL commissioner Roger Goodell offered an apology for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. His comments acknowledged that the show, which will feature a performance by the Black Eyed Peas, will be “totally unacceptable in every possible way.”

“We’re not 100 percent sure exactly what’s going to happen on Sunday, but we do know it’s going to be unwatchable,” Goodell said at press conference at Cowboy Stadium. “So I want to apologize in advance for foisting this on the American public.”

“I know that, generally speaking, people don’t expect all that much from our halftime show. Even so, I think this sets the bar almost unspeakably low.”

The commissioner leaned over to place his hand extremely close to the ground, then reconsidered. “Actually, I think you’d have to dig a trench to put the bar as low as we’ve set it.”

“I know this will be especially tough to deal with, since in recent years we’ve had a few artists whose performances didn’t made viewers want to kick in their TVs, such as Prince and Bruce Springsteen. If those entertaining displays got anyone’s hopes up for this year, I sincerely apologize.”

Goodell explained that the NFL was forced to take on the Black Eyed Peas because the chart-busting group’s appearances had been shared among other major sports leagues for the past few years. “We dodged a bullet for a while. I thought the NBA would be stuck with them for a few more seasons, but now it’s time for us to take one for the team,” he said with a shrug.

The Black Eyed Peas attended the press conference and were mere feet away from Goodell as he made these remarks, but the band seemed oblivious to them, spending the majority of the press conference making inscrutable arm movements and hand gestures.

“If we bear down and sit tight, I think we can all make it through this,” Goodell said. “Switch over the Puppy Bowl, go on a beer run, start a second half box pool among your guests, whatever it takes. I know we can do this, people.”

When asked if the Black Eyed Peas would play “My Humps,” Goodell sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair nervously. “Look, I don’t like this any more than you do,” he said, before trailing off mumbling.

Goodell then ceded the podium to Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am, who screamed “LOUDER!” into the microphone, while his bandmate, Fergie, writhed in an unappealing, grotesque parody of feminine sexuality, until all reporters fled from the room, blood pouring from their ears and eyes.