I cannot think of Thanksgiving without also thinking of the annual Turkey Day marathons that once came with them. In the early/mid 1990s, Comedy Central would turn over its broadcasting day to a non-stop showing of Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favoritest show ever.
If I recall correctly, it was a Turkey Day Marathon that turned me on to MST3K in the first place. I didn’t even have cable, but an older cousin hipped me to its basic premise, and it certainly sounded like it was up my alley. One Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house, I just happened to flip on Comedy Central as they were airing the “Crash of the Moons” episode. It was love at first sight.
My grandfather, who did not cuss lightly, wondered “What the hell is this?” with genuine bewilderment. But he still indulged my obsession by allowing me to set up a timer recording on his VCR, so I could tape it every night at midnight and bring it home to watch.
“I don’t get that show at all,” Grampa would say, but he let me monopolize his TV (and cable box) anyway. He was a saint.
I am decidedly a Joel partisan; his shows had a goofiness and silliness that kept them from being too mean-spirited, and I think that was lost when he left. However, my favorite Turkey Day bumpers might be these from the Mike Era, which bring back many characters from over the years: Mr. B Natural, The Kitten with the Whip, and Pitch, among others. Plus, Mike reprises two classic roles: the preternaturally ebullient Jack Perkins, and crooner Michael Feinstein (much to the delight of Dr. Forrester).
The results of my first Internet Gauntlet throwing remain inconclusive. However, I still feel confident hurling another one. Because that’s what leaders do, they charge right ahead, regardless of results or consequences.
Around Thanksgiving, a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of gravy. And when I think of gravy, I inevitably think of an ad that aired during my childhood. This commercial always cracked up both of my grandparents, possibly because it featured an elderly couple who (barely) resembled themselves.
The ad in question was for Heinz Homestyle Gravy. The narrator regaled the aforementioned couple with all of the preparation and care that went into the making of their product, insisting it was just as good as gravy you could make in your own kitchen. With each point the narrator made, the wife responded, “Oh really?” At the very end of the ad, when the narrator insists it’s exactly the same as homemade, the husband quips, “Oh yeah? Where are the lumps?” As he chuckles, the wife shoots him a withering look, and he croaks out a sheepish, “oh no…” realizing he is now in the doghouse.
There are versions of this ad on the internets. Here’s the most common example:
But I declare this version the most ripe of shit from bulls. This is not the original ad. How do I know? Because the original was longer, for one thing; this video is 15 seconds long, and I’m sure the original was a standard 30 second spot.
Secondly, I distinctly remember one key aspect of the joke at the end, something that made it so funny. In the original version, the husband still has a smile on his face, and is looking right at his wife, when he says “oh no…” That made it much funnier than this redux version, where the husband mugs, double-takes, and speaks right into the camera. The earlier version had subtlety. Don’t try to pass off this Velveeta as fine cheddar, Heinz.
So the Internet Gauntlet I am now throwing: Somebody find me the original, 30-second version of this ad. I know it’s lurking out there somewhere. You have the power to bring this to light! You are the people we’ve been waiting for!
As a kid, the highlight and lowlight of every holiday season for me was the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was the highlight because, duh, huge balloons. It was the lowlight because, even to a child, it had some truly cringe-tacular moments.
For some strange reason, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has always (or at least always in my lifetime) simultaneously tried to appeal to both kids and Broadway aficionados. Why did they try to do this? I don’t know, because Times Square is sort of close to Herald Square? Makes as much sense as any other explanation.
They also tried to shoehorn various celebrities into the festivities. Some were established, or at least recognizable. Some were clearly being foisted on the show by some agent hoping to establish a client. (If a singer was “performing” his/her “smash hit single”, it was a virtual guaranteed said single hadn’t even been pressed yet.)
Regardless of their status, said celebrity would probably be inserted into some sort of float or setpiece in which their presence was superfluous at best. And often asked to sing, even if (often especially if) they were not known as a singer. (“Here to perform a medley from Damn Yankees, please welcome Abe Vigoda!”)
This was extremely frustrating to a little kid. When you’d see the opening credits for the Parade and see something you loved teased as coming up soon, naturally you thought that said thing would be presented in a form you loved. If you were told Masters of the Universe would appear, you assumed they would resemble the cartoon you watched every day. You didn’t expect guys in weird, foamy costumes fake-sword fighting on a 15-foot float.
In that spirit, I present this video from the 1989 (first captured and shared with the world by the excellent X-Entertainment.com, which has a plethora of Thanksgiving Parade videos and period commercials as well). It features a float by Marvel Entertainment, full of all your favorite Marvel characters, and of course Melba Moore too, because…huh?
Ms. Moore sings “I Need a Hero,” addressing many of the lyrics to Captain America and Spider-Man (who’s too busy crouching to pay her much attention). She had a few hits in the 1980s. “I Need a Hero” was not one of them. This is something the Parade is notorious for doing, having some random person sing a random song in a random setting, thus assuring that everyone involved looks intensely uncomfortable.
Compared to some performances I’ve seen, Moore is in Laurence Olivier territory. She’s game enough to get caught in web-type-thing and climb through a manhole. But no one else has much room to maneuver, and the Marvel heroes and villains don’t fight so much as they lightly tap each other and shift from one foot to the other. The Hulk in particular looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
By the end of the video, everyone is bopping along to the beat, regardless of affiliation. You can see both Doctor Doom and Luke Cage rockin’ out as the song fades away. Moore has united them all with her R&B song stylings.
Weird? Of course, but no weirder than the Marvel float from 1987, which did not include Moore or any other practitioners of the quiet storm arts. It was just a lot of low-impact aerobics, featuring the exact same float seen above, most of the same heroes, and the soundtrack from Back to the Future.
Captain America is prominently featured, as he saves Wolverine from being shoved by bad guys, zaps Doctor Doom to death, and briefly passes by RoboCop without comment (and before you say RoboCop wasn’t part of the Marvel Universe, he was, smart guy).
Two things that confuse me more than the presence of RoboCop: Why does Dr. Strange look like Frank Zappa, and why is The Hulk a bad guy?