2010 NFC East Preview, with X47-21A

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Monsanto’s experiment number X47-21A, also known as the Cow-Boy.

cowman.jpgDespite my appearance, I enjoy football as much as any other red-blooded American male. I say ‘male’ rather than ‘man’ because I can not technically call myself a man. I’m not sure what I can call myself, as what I am exactly has not yet been determined by the FDA. Also, the UN has yet to decide if I have a right to exist, but until then, I will continue to watch the ol’ pigskin being tossed around.

Of course, it’s not an actual pigskin. The NFL uses a synthetic pigskin, made from a real synthetic pig. One of them used to stay in the same lab as me. His name was Gerald. I was real proud when he got into a Chargers-Raiders game a few seasons ago.

I watch lots of football in my room on the Monsanto Dynamic Solutions campus. I like it almost as much as when Dr. Tarsus allows me to stretch and graze in my lawn-pen. Naturally, people assume I’m a Cowboys fan, but I like the Texans better. We see them more often in our local market, and I love Andre Johnson. He moves like a gazelle. In fact, he moves a lot like this half-gazelle/half-jaguar creature that used to live here, last seen leaping the walls in a vain attempt at freedom. I heard they had to call in black helicopters to take him down.

However, I can recognize the Cowboys’ strengths, and I feel they shall prevail in the NFC East this season. I’m afraid they have too many offensive weapons, and their defense is too formidable, to be overtaken in what may shape up to be a weak division. Tony Romo finally proved he can win a playoff game, and though he faltered against Minnesota in the divisional round, he gained a lot of valuable experience.

I know there’s a lot of Cowboys haters out there, but please don’t shoot the messenger! I’ve gotten enough shots today as it is. I require 37 daily injections so my four stomachs won’t consume themselves.

There used to be a nice lady in a white coat who fed me from a bottle and stroked the nape of my neck. She is gone now.

I look up and down this division and see so many question marks. The Giants’ defense has been wracked by injury and ineffectiveness, and Eli Manning–despite having a Super Bowl ring–makes mistakes that a quarterback of his experience really should not. Much like my old keeper, Dr. Crenshaw, was devoured by his worst mistake, the fearsome Raptor-Man.

The Redskins, I’m afraid, having little going for them to begin with, and they certainly don’t need the Albert Haynesworth mess distracting them even further. Donovan McNabb might have something left in the tank, but who knows how long he can stay healthy.

I’d also like to call on Washington to eschew their racist nickname, as it is degrading and dehumanizing. I know what it’s like to be dehumanized, or at least to be never fully humanized.

As for the Eagles, regardless of the year McNabb has, I believe they will miss him. Relying on Kevin Kolb or Michael Vick to turn in a solid season is like relying on my fingers to stop reforming themselves into hooves.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke played on me and me alone.

I can’t say how far the Cowboys will go this year. Injuries can ruin any team’s chances, and perhaps some young rookie will emerge and energize another team into contention. But I think it’s safe to say they’re the team to beat in the NFC East. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to submit to my thrice daily nutrient-rich spine injection to prepare for the blood quickening.

2010 AFC East Preview, by Sean from Massapequa

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. First up, frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa will preview the AFC East.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI know I normally write about baseball on this site, but trust me, I know my football. I work for the City, which gives me plenty a time to dick around on the internet and do my research. And according to my research, there’s only four words you need to know about the AFC East this year: J-E-T-S!

Normally, those are letters, but when you’re talkin about the Jets, each letter is so powerful it becomes its own word. There’s a term for this in science, but I forget what it is.

Now that Darelle Revis has finally signed an extension, there is no stopping this team. NONE. We got Revis, we got Sanchez, we got LDT, we got Santonio Holmes, and we got Rex Ryan, the best damn coach this team has ever had. Ya hear that, Weeb Ewbank? Screw you and that weird-ass name a yours.

We are gonna stomp the whole damn league this year. You heard Rex on Hard Knocks, didn’t you? And if you did hear him, what did he say? I can’t watch that show now that the next door neighbor I’m stealin cable from don’t get HBO no more.

Who’s standing in the Jets’ way? The Patriots? They got nothin cept Tom Brady, and what’s he done? Yeah, three Super Bowl rings, but that was all cuz of the secret cameras they was usin. You know when Brady was hurt most a the year in 2008? Commissioner Goodell secretly suspended him for installing a surveillance system in the visitor’s locker room. Just like when Michael Jordan “played baseball” for a year. That is a known fact.

The Dolphins? We took Jason Taylor away from them schmucks, they’re done. Yeah, I guess Brandon Marshall should be pretty good this season hookin up with Chad Henne, but here’s what I’m sayin: what if he’s not? You won’t hear the liberal media reportin that.

As for Buffalo, sometimes I think it’s kinda sad what’s happened to them. They went to four Super Bowls in a row, and now they’re just a joke. But then I remembered I bet on the Bills in every one a dem Super Bowls, so fuck em. If I ever see Jim Kelly in the street, I’m gonna make him eat a brick.

Yup, the Jets are gonna have a banner year. Not that I’m gonna get to see much of it. I used to get into all the games for free thanks to my buddy, Tony. His company took care a the sanitation at Giants Stadium. All’s I had to do was wear an orange jacket and pick up a coupla plastic beer cups.

But now that the Meadowlands got a brand new arena, the Jets don’t wanna give a break to small, local business owners with no-bid contracts no more. I guess Tony’s RICO conviction didn’t help, neither. Hey, find me a trash hauler in Jersey that hasn’t killed a few guys, I dare you!

The Jets gotta do it this year. Cuz after the last four years of the Mets shitting the bed, this is all I got to look forward to. That’s right, Jets: win it all or I end it all! And you’re gonna have a lotta blood on your hands, Jets, cuz I fully intend to take out a lot of innocent people with me.

J-ET-S! JETS! JETS JETS!

Pointless Nostalgia Video: Malt Likka

Leapfrogging on last week’s journey into the depths of wine product, The Wife pointed me to an ad she remembered from her youth. In it, Urban Folk are urged to combine their own brand of wine product with grapefruit juice. Take a peek.

Yes, Thunderbird–renowned as the booze of choice for hobos, derelicts, and hopeless alcoholics–mixes well with grapefruit juice. Just pour it straight down the neck of the bottle. You know, just like all normal, non-transient people do. And make sure you shake it up nice and long. That’s not gonna spray everywhere the second you take your thumb out of the opening.

This ad hails from the difficult childhood of Ethnic Ads. Some time in the 70s, companies finally figured out that black people bought stuff and thus merited their own targeted advertising. But since they also didn’t figure black people merited actual jobs at these agencies, you got spots like the weird, quasi-racist one you see above.

Despite being the official sponsor of the DTs, Thunderbird was once considered classy enough to have James Mason for a spokesman. Yes, the star of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Lolita, and Heaven Can Wait, shilling for the booze whose very name screams Hey buddy, got some change? Although if you look at his filmography, it’s not too much of a stretch. Apparently Mr. Mason once guested on several episodes of something called Schlitz Playhouse. Of particular note, their performance of Paint Your Wagon (With Vomit).

All this talk of premium malt beverages reminded me of one of the worst ads I’ve ever seen. This ran in the early-to-mid 90s. It opened on a city street, obviously meant to look “ghetto”. And if that wasn’t a big enough cue, the viewer was also treated to a thugged-out guy sitting in a recliner, in the middle of said street. Next to his chair, a bucket of ice.

THUG: Some people, they take the bull by the horns…

[Cut to footage of rodeo rider. Cut back.]

THUG: But round my way, there’s only one way to grab the bull…

[Reaches into ice bucket, pulls out bottle of Bull Malt Liquor.]

THUG:…by the neck…

[Thug yanks recliner lever so the leg rest pops up. After very long pause:]

THUG: CHILLLLLLLLLLLL….

I couldn’t believe this thing ever aired. It was so racist and almost fear-mongering, I figured it was either written by the KKK or Lee Atwater.

I scoured the Internets for this all last night, to no avail. (I’m pretty sure I have it on a VHS tape somewhere, as I’m almost positive it ran during a late night showing of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I have neither the time nor the stamina to search for it at this time.) Then I tweeted and facebooked about it, hoping folks might no what I was talking about.

No dice, but tweeter DonCheech did point me to this ad, which was in the same category of racisosity. All this ad for Schlitz Malt Liquor needs is someone shuffling off at the end, croaking “Feets don’t fail me now!”

Of course, the gold standard of malt liquor commercials were the smooth moves laid on by one Mr. Billy Dee Williams when he shilled for Colt 45 in the 80s. I shan’t post any of those ads, but I will show you this clip from the AMAZING Looney Tunes 50th Anniversary Special that ran in 1985. In it, various celebrities spoke of Bugs, Daffy, et al as if they were real actors they’d worked with (Bill Murray’s segments were especially transcendent).

In this clip, Billy Dee is clearly playing off of his Colt 45 ad persona. His little hand gestures and quiet smiles at the cacophonous music of Carl Stalling is a triumph of understatement.